Winston Groom - Gump & Company

“Well, Gump, what do you think?”

“Nice view,” I says.

“Nice view my ass!” says Ivan. “This shit cost two hundred dollars a square foot to lease! This is prime real estate, my man! Now, your private secretary will be Miss Hudgins. And she is knock-dead gorgeous. And what I want you to do is, just sit at this desk here and when she brings you in some papers to sign, sign your name on them. You don’t need to bother to read them—they’ll just be a bunch of bullshit and details anyway. I’ve always thought bidness executives shouldn’t know too much about what’s going on in their bidness—you know what I mean?”

“Well, I dunno,” I says. “You know, I done got into a lot of trouble in my life doin stuff I didn’t know what it was.”

“Now, don’t worry any about that, Gump. All this is on the big-time up and up. It is the chance of a lifetime for you—and your son.” Ivan puts his arm around my shoulder an flashes a big ole toothy grin at me. “Want to ask anything else?”

“Yeah,” I says. “Where is the bathroom?”

“Bathroom? Your bathroom? Why, it’s right here through this door. You wondering if you got a private bathroom? Is that it?”

“Nope. I got to pee.”

At this, Ivan jumps back a little. “Ah, well, that is a rather straightforward way of putting it, I must say. But you go right ahead, Mr. Gump—in the privacy of your own bathroom.”

An so that’s what I did, but I was still wonderin if I was doin the right thing with this Ivan Bozosky. After all, seems I had heard some of his kind of shit before.

Anyway, Ivan, he gone off an left me in my new office. Big brass nameplate on the desk says Forrest Gump, President. I had just set down in the leather chair an put my feet up when the door opens an in walks a beautiful young woman. I figger this to be Miss Hudgins.

“Ah, Mr. Gump,” she says. “Welcome to the insider trading division of Bozosky Enterprises.”

Miss Hudgins is certainly a looker—enough to make your teeth chatter. She is tall an brunette with blue eyes an a big toothy smile an skirt so short that I am afraid her underpants might show if she bends over.

“Would you like some coffee or anything?” she ast.

“No. Thank you, though,” I says.

“Well, is there anything I can do for you? How about a CokeCola—or perhaps a whisky sour?”

“Thanks, but I really don’t want nothin.”

“Then perhaps you would like to see your new apartment.”

“My what?”

“Apartment. Mr. Bozosky has ordered you an apartment to live in, since you are president of the division.”

“I thought I was gonna stay here on the couch,” I says. “I mean, since there is a bathroom an all.”

“Heavens, no, Mr. Gump. Mr. Bozosky asked me to find you suitable living quarters over on Fifth Avenue. Something where you can entertain.”

“Who I’m gonna entertain?”

“Whoever,” Miss Hudgins says. “Will you be ready to go in, say, half an hour?”

“I am ready to go right now,” I says. “How we gonna get there?”

“Why, in your limousine, of course.”

In no time, we is down on the street gettin into a big ole black limousine. It is so big I think it cannot turn a corner, but the driver, whose name is Eddie, is so good that he can even drive right past the taxicabs by goin up on the curb, an in a few minutes we is arriving at my new apartment after scatterin people all over Madison Avenue. Miss Hudgins says we are now “uptown.”

The buildin is a big ole thing of white marble with a canopy an doormen dressed up like in one of them old-time movies. The sign out front say Helmsley Palace. As we is goin in the door, a woman wearin a fur coat come out walkin a poodle. She be eyein me pretty suspicious an lookin me up an down, account of I am still wearin my work clothes from Holy Land.

When we get off at the eighteenth floor, Miss Hudgins opens the door with a key. It is like goin in a mansion or somethin. They is crystal chandeliers an big gold-leaf mirrors an paintins on the walls. I see fireplaces an fancy furniture an tables with pitcher books on em. There is a library all paneled in wood an beautiful carpets on the floors. In the corner is a bar.

“You want to see your bedroom?” Miss Hudgins says.

I was so speechless, all I could do was nod.

We gone on in the bedroom, an let me say this: It was a sight. Big ole king-size bed with a covered top an fireplace an a TV set built into the wall. Miss Hudgins says it gets a hundrit channels. The bathroom is grander than that, marble floors an a glass shower with gold knobs an jets that spray in ever direction. There are even two toilets, although one is kinda funny lookin.

“What is that?” I ast, pointin to it.

“That, is a bidet,” she says.

“What’s it for? It ain’t got no seat on it.”

“Er, well, why don’t you just use the other one for now,” Miss Hudgins says. “We can talk about the bidet later.”

Like the sign out front announces, this place is a palace, an “Sooner or later,” Miss Hudgins says, “I imagaine you’re gonna get to meet the nice lady who owns it. She’s a friend of Mr. Bozosky. Her name is Leona.”

Anyway, Miss Hudgins says we got to go out an get me some new clothes that is “fittin for the president of one of Mr. Bozosky’s divisions.” We gone on over to a tailor shop called Mr. Squeegee’s, an is greeted at the door by Mr. Squeegee hissef. He is a little short fat guy with a Hitler-lookin mustache an a bald head.

“Ah, Mr. Gump. I have been expecting you,” he says.

Mr. Squeegee done showed me dozens of suits an jackets an pants an cloth patterns an materials—ties an even socks an underpants. Ever time I pick out somethin, Miss Hudgins says, “No, no—that won’t do,” an she picks out somethin else. Finally, Mr. Squeegee stands me in front of a mirror an begun to take my pants measurements.

“My, my, what a fine specimen you are!” he says.

“You got that right,” Miss Hudgins chimes in.

“By the way, Mr. Gump, what side do you dress on?”

“Side of what?” I ast.

“Side, Mr. Gump. Do you dress to the left or the right?”

“Huh?” I says. “I guess it don’t matter. I just put on my clothes, you know?”

“Well, er, Mr. Gump...”

“Just dress him for both sides,” Miss Hudgins say. “A man like Mr. Gump looks like he can swing any way he wants.”

“Right,” says Mr. Squeegee.

Next day, Eddie picked me up in the limousine an I gone on down to the office. I had just got there when Ivan Bozosky came in an says, “In a little while, let’s do lunch. I got somebody I want you to meet.”

All the rest of the mornin I signed the papers Miss Hudgins brought in. I must of signed twenty or thirty, an even though I sort of glanced at what was in a few, I could not understand a word that was in them. After a hour or two, my stomach begun to growl, an I started thinkin about my mama’s srimp Creole. Good ole Mama.

Pretty soon, Ivan come in an says it is time for lunch. A limo took us to a restaurant called The Four Seasons, an we is showed to a table where there is a tall skinny guy in a suit with a wolfish look on his face.

“Ah, Mr. Gump,” Ivan Bozosky says, “I want you to meet a friend of mine.”

The guy stands up an shook my hand.

Mike Mulligan is his name.

Mike Mulligan is apparently a stockbroker who Mr. Bozosky does some bidness with. Mike Mulligan deals in somethin he calls junk bonds, though what anybody would want with a bunch of junk is beyond me. Nevertheless, I get the impression that Mike Mulligan is some kind of big cheese.

After Ivan an Mike had done some chitchat, they get down to bidness with me.

“What will happen, Mr. Gump,” says Ivan Bozosky, “is that Mike, here, is going to give you a call from time to time. He will tell you the name of a company, an when he does, I want you to write it down. He will spell the name out very carefully, so you will not make any mistakes. When you have done that, give the name of the company to Miss Hudgins. She will know what to do with it.”