Roberto Bolaño - The Savage Detectives

For hours I looked for an Arab. It was as if every Arab had vanished into thin air. At last, without realizing it, I ended up right back where I'd come from, next to the yellow stone. It was nighttime and it was cold, thank God, but I couldn't sleep, I was hungry and there was no water left in my canteen. What do I do? I asked myself. What do I do now, Blessed Virgin? From far away came the muffled sound of the machines the Jews used to make their atomic bombs. When I woke up, I was unbearably hungry. The Beersheba Jews were still working in their secret installations, but I couldn't keep spying on them without so much as a crust of bread. My whole body ached. My neck and my arms were sunburned. It had been I don't know how many days since I took a shit. But I could still walk! I could still jump and move my arms like windmills! So I got up and my shadow got up with me (the two of us had been kneeling, praying) and I set off toward the desert café. I think I started to sing. That's how I am. I walk. I sing. When I woke up, I was in a jail cell. Someone had brought my backpack and tossed it beside my cot. One of my eyes hurt, my chin hurt, my burns stung. Someone had kicked me in the gut, I think, but my gut didn't hurt.

Water, I said. It was dark in the cell. I listened for the sound of the Jews' machines, but I couldn't hear anything. Water, I said, I'm thirsty. Something moved in the dark. A scorpion? I thought. A giant scorpion? I thought. A hand gripped me by the back of the neck. It tugged. Then I felt the rim of a cup on my lips and then the water. Then I slept and I dreamed of Franz-Josefs-Kai and the Aspern Bridge. When I opened my eyes I saw Ulises in the other cot. He was awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking. I greeted him in English. Good morning, I said. Good morning, he replied. Do they give you food in this jail? I asked. They give you food, he answered. I got up and looked for my shoes. I had them on. I decided to take a walk around the cell. I decided to explore. The ceiling was dark, blackened. Damp or soot. Possibly both. The walls were white. There were inscriptions on them, I saw. Drawings on the wall to my left and writing on the wall to my right. The Koran? Messages? News of the underground factory? In the back wall there was a window. On the other side of the window there was a yard. On the other side of the yard was the desert. In the fourth wall there was a door. The door was made of bars, and through the bars there was a corridor. There was no one in the corridor. I turned and went over to my good friend Ulises. My name is Heimito, I said, and I'm from Vienna. He said that his name was Ulises Lima and that he was from Mexico City.

A little while later, they brought us breakfast. Where are we? I asked the guard. In the factory? But the guard left us the food and went away. I wolfed mine down. My good friend Ulises gave me half his breakfast and I ate that too. I could have gone on eating all morning. Then I started to reconnoiter the cell. I started to reconnoiter the inscriptions on the walls. The drawings. It was hopeless. The messages were indecipherable. I took a pen out of my backpack and kneeled by the wall on the right. I drew a dwarf with an enormous penis. An erect penis. Then I drew another dwarf with an enormous penis. Then I drew a breast. Then I wrote: Heimito K. Then I got tired and went back to my cot. My good friend Ulises had gone to sleep, so I tried not to make noise so I wouldn't wake him up. I got in bed and started to think. I thought about the underground factories where the Jews built their atomic bombs. I thought about a soccer match. I thought about a mountain. It was cold and snowing. I thought about the scorpions. I thought about a plate full of sausages. I thought about the church in the Alpen Garten, near the Jacquingasse. I fell asleep. I woke up. I fell asleep again. I slept until I heard my good friend Ulises's voice. Then I woke up again. A guard pushed us along the corridor. We came out into the yard. I think the sun recognized me immediately. My bones hurt. But not the burns, so I walked and did some exercise. My good friend Ulises sat against the wall quietly, not moving, as I swung my arms and raised my knees. I heard laughter. A few Arabs, sitting on the ground in the corner, were laughing. I ignored them. One two, one two, one two. I worked the stiffness out of my joints. When I glanced at the shady corner again, the Arabs were gone. I got down on the ground. I kneeled. For a second I thought about staying like that. On my knees. But then I got down on the ground and did five push-ups. I did ten push-ups. I did fifteen push-ups. My whole body hurt. When I got up I saw that the Arabs were sitting on the ground around my good friend Ulises. I walked toward them. Slowly. Thinking. Maybe they weren't trying to hurt him. Maybe they were Mexicans lost in Beersheba. When my good friend Ulises saw me, he said: let there be peace. And I understood.

I sat on the ground next to him, with my back against the wall, and for a second my blue eyes met the dark eyes of the Arabs. I was panting. I panted hard and closed my eyes! I heard my good friend Ulises speaking English, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. The Arabs were speaking English, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. My good friend Ulises laughed. The Arabs laughed. I understood their laughter and I stopped panting. I fell asleep. When I woke up, my good friend Ulises and I were alone. A guard led us to our cell. They brought us food. With my meal they brought two tablets. For the fever, they said. I didn't take them. My good friend Ulises told me to throw them down the hole. But where does that hole lead? To the sewers, said my good friend Ulises. How can I be sure? What if it leads to a warehouse? And what if everything ends up on a huge, wet table where even the smallest things we throw away are cataloged? I crushed the tablets between my fingers and threw the powder out the window. We went to sleep. When I woke up, my good friend Ulises was reading. I asked him what book he was reading. Ezra Pound's Selected Poems . Read something to me, I said. I didn't understand any of it. I stopped trying. They came for me and questioned me. They looked at my passport. They asked me questions. They laughed. When I got back to my cell I got down on the floor and did push-ups. Three, nine, twelve. Then I sat on the floor, by the wall on my right, and I drew a dwarf with an enormous penis. When I was done, I drew another one. And then I drew the stuff coming out of one of the penises. And then I didn't feel like drawing anymore and I started to study the other inscriptions. Left to right and right to left. I don't understand Arabic. My good friend Ulises didn't either. Still, I read. I found some words. I racked my brains. The burns on my neck started to hurt again. Words. Words. My good friend Ulises gave me water. I felt his hands under my arms, pulling me, hauling me up. Then I fell asleep.

When I woke up, the guard took us to the showers. He gave us each a piece of soap and told us to shower. This guard seemed to be a friend of Ulises's. They didn't speak English together. They spoke Spanish. I kept careful watch. The Jews are always trying to trick you. I was sorry to have to keep watch, but it was my duty. When something is your duty, there's nothing you can do about it. As I washed my face I pretended to close my eyes. I pretended to fall. I pretended to exercise. But the only thing I was really doing was taking a look at my good friend Ulises's penis. He wasn't circumcised. I was sorry I'd made a mistake, sorry I'd doubted him. But I only did what I had to do. That night they gave us soup. And vegetable stew. My good friend Ulises gave me half his food. Why won't you eat? I said. It's good. You have to feed yourself. You have to exercise. I'm not hungry, he said, you eat. When the lights went out, the moon came into our cell. I looked out the window. In the desert, past the yard, the hyenas were singing. A small, dark, restless group. Darker than the night. And they were laughing too. I felt a tickle in the soles of my feet. Don't mess with me, I thought.