Christopher Moore: The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove

“No!”

Theo wrapped his arms around her, pinning her arms to her side, and lifted her off the ground, then held her kicking as he braced for gunfire. But none came.

Burton was climbing to his feet just below them, focused on the Sea Beast as it passed. “Shoot that thing! Shoot it! Shoot it!”

The SWAT commander had rolled out of the way and come up with his weapon ready, but with people hanging all over the beast, he didn’t know where to shoot, so instead let his weapon fall to his side as he stared in amazement.

Burton drew a pistol and began running after the Sea Beast. Below, two of the SWAT team had already broken into a run from behind the Blazers just as the Sea Beast bowled them over. The other two were pinned underneath one of the crushed vehicles. As they fell, each pilgrim jumped to his feet and ran after the Sea Beast, who was making a beeline across the grassy terrace toward the white station wagon.

Theo watched as the car stopped, Blues slide notes still screaming out of the back, and Estelle Boyet crawled out of the driver’s seat and ran around to the back. The guitar playing stopped for a second as the passenger side opened, and out stepped Catfish Jefferson, holding a Fender Stratocaster.

“Let me go!” Molly screamed. “I’ve got to save him! I’ve got to save him!”

Theo yanked her back toward the cave. When he was able to look again, someone he didn’t immediately recognize had crawled out of the station wagon, and Catfish handed him the guitar.

Sheriff Burton was running after the Sea Beast, waving his weapon around, trying to get an angle to shoot without hitting one of the pilgrims. He stopped, dropped to one knee, steadied his aim, and fired. The Sea Beast roared and whipped around, throwing the last of the pilgrims into a tumble in the grass.

Molly whipped her head back into Theo’s chin at the same time she drove a heel into his knee. Theo let go of her and she rushed over the rocks and down toward the monster.

Estelle had brought the car right to the edge of the drop-off to the rocky beach. Catfish looked at the surf beating on the rocks below, then at his guitar cords coiled in the front seat, then at the rocks again. They just might be long enough. But the dragon was going to get to them before he could find out.

“Hurry!” Estelle shouted.

Catfish stood mesmerized by the charging monster, not a hundred yards away.

“Go,” he said weakly, “get yourself out of here.”

“No!” said Winston Krauss. “You promised.”

There was a gunshot and the Sea Beast whipped around in his tracks, bringing Catfish to his senses. “Let’s go,” he said to Winston. Then he looked at Estelle over the top of the car and winked. “You go on. This ain’t your time.”

Catfish played a few notes on the Stratocaster and then ambled after Winston to the surf. The pharmacist ran into the water up to his knees, then turned around. Catfish was having trouble climbing over the rocks to the water while keeping the guitar cord from catching.

“That’s far enough,” Catfish said. He walked into the surf and stood next to Winston, keeping the guitar high to keep any spray off of it.

“Give it,” Winston demanded.

“You ain’t got a lick a sense, do you?”

“Give it,” Winston repeated.

Catfish played four bars of “Green Onions” on the Strat, the notes still blaring out of the amp in the station wagon, then draped the strap around Winston’s neck and handed him a guitar pick. “Have fun,” Catfish said.

“Oh, I will,” Winston said, a lascivious grin crossing his face. “You know I will.”

“Play!” Catfish said as he turned and ran up the beach. He saw Estelle already making her way away down the shore away from the commotion. Behind him, the sour, rattling notes began to emanate from the amp in the station wagon as gunshots filled the air.

The sheriff fired three more times as he backed away from the Sea Beast, missing not only the monster but the entire North American continent. Molly threw herself sideways from a full run into the back of Burton’s knees and cut his legs out from under him. She came up in a crouch, putting herself between Burton and the Sea Beast. The sheriff thought he heard the song “Green Onions” and shook his head to clear a hallucination. The Sea Beast roared again and the sheriff vaulted into a crouch, ready to fire, but instead of a sea monster in front of him, he saw a woman in a leather bikini. He looked over his shoulder and watched the Sea Beast snap up the white station wagon in its jaws and toss it aside. The guitar sounds stopped and the Sea Beast slid over the bluff to the beach. Seeing that the danger was gone, he trained his sights on the woman. People were streaming by him on either side after the monster, wailing like a crowd of banshees.

Molly looked over her shoulder and saw Steve going into the water, then turned back to Burton. “Go ahead, you prick. I don’t care.”

“You got it,” Burton said.

He was just beating on the guitar strings now, but it didn’t matter. The amplifier wasn’t working anymore and this beautiful creature was coming to him. Winston was so turned on he thought he’d explode. She was coming to him, his dream lover, and he yanked the guitar from around his neck, ready to receive her.

“Oh, come on, baby. Come to papa,” he said.

The Sea Beast charged into the water, throwing spray fifty feet in the air, then snapped his jaws over Winston, severing the pharmacist’s body into two sleazy pieces. The Sea Beast swallowed Winston’s legs and roared, then snapped up the remaining piece and dove under the sea.

“I don’t think so, Sheriff,” Sheridan said.

Burton looked over his shoulder without taking the gun off Molly. Sheridan had his M-16 trained on the sheriff’s back. “Don’t fuck with me, Sheridan. You’re in this with me.”

“I’m not in this. Lower your weapon, sir.”

Burton lowered the pistol and turned toward Sheridan. Molly started to leap forward and the SWAT commander pointed the M-16 at her. “Right there,” he said. She stopped.

The pilgrims were all standing at the shore now, wailing as they looked out. Molly gestured in that direction and Sheridan nodded. She ran toward the shoreline.

“What now?” Burton asked.

“I don’t know,” said Sheridan, “but no one has been shot here, and I have a feeling that there’s going to be a lot of attention around this event, so no one is going to get shot.”

“You wimp.”

“Whatever,” Sheridan said.

“Hey, Burton!” Theo Crowe was running down the hill toward them. “You hear that?”

When they looked up, Theo ducked behind one of the wrecked Blazers and pointed toward the southern sky. “Film at eleven.”

Burton could hear them now: helicopters. He looked to the south and saw the two dots coming over the horizon. Two of the SWAT team members were topping the next hill. They had started running when the monster first came out of the cave. The other two were still pinned under one of the overturned Blazers. He turned back to Sheridan. The big cop was watching the approaching helicopters. “Game over,” Sheridan said. “Guess it’s time to start thinking about my deal with the D.A.”

Burton shot him in the face, then broke for the far side of the rocks to his Eldorado before the others had time to figure out what had happened.

Theo came up behind Molly and touched her lightly on the shoulder. When she turned, he could see tears streaming down her cheeks. Then she returned to staring out to sea with the others. She said, “All I ever wanted is to feel special. To feel like something set me apart.”