Salman Rushdie - Luka and the Fire of Life

It would be difficult, Luka realised, to ride on the Elephant Birds the way his brother Haroun had once ridden on a big, telepathic, mechanical hoopoe; for one thing, he wasn’t sure that Bear and Dog would be able to hold on. ‘Excuse me, Elephant Birds,’ he called out, ‘would you be so good as to help us, please?’

‘Excellent manners,’ said the larger of the two Elephant Birds. ‘That always makes such a difference.’ He had a deep, majestic voice; obviously an Elephant Drake, Luka thought. ‘We can’t fly, you know,’ said the Drake’s companion in ladylike tones. ‘Don’t ask us to fly you anywhere. Our heads are too heavy.’

‘That must be because you remember so much,’ Luka said, and the Elephant Duck preened her feathers with the tip of her trunk. ‘He’s a flatterer, too,’ she said. ‘Quite the little charmer.’

‘You’ll be wanting us to tow you upriver, no doubt,’ said the Elephant Drake.

‘You needn’t look so surprised,’ said the Elephant Duck. ‘We do follow the news, you know. We do try to keep up.’

‘It’s probably a good thing they don’t bother with the Present where you’re going,’ added the Elephant Drake. ‘Up there they only interest themselves in Eternity. This may give you a helpful element of surprise.’

‘And if I may say so,’ said the Elephant Duck, ‘you’re going to need all the help you can get.’

A short while later the two Elephant Birds had been harnessed to the Argo and began pulling it smoothly upstream. ‘What about the Eddies?’ Luka wondered. ‘Oh,’ said the Elephant Drake, ‘no Eddyfish would dare trifle with us. It would be against the natural order of things. There is a natural order of things, you know.’ His companion giggled. ‘What he means,’ she explained to Luka, ‘is that we eat Eddyfish for breakfast.’ ‘And lunch and dinner,’ said the Elephant Drake. ‘So they give us a wide berth. Now then: where was it you wanted to go? – No, no, don’t remind me! – Ah, yes, now I recall.’

The Mists of Time were getting closer when the Argo passed a strange, sad land on the River’s right bank. Its territory was barred to River travellers by high barbed-wire fences, and when Luka did finally see a scary-looking border post, with its floodlights on high pylons and its tall reconnaissance towers containing lookout guards wearing mirrored sunglasses and carrying powerful military binoculars and automatic weapons, he was struck by a large sign reading YOU ARE AT THE FRONTIER OF THE RESPECTORATE OF I. MIND YOUR MANNERS. ‘What kind of a place is this?’ he asked Nobodaddy. ‘It doesn’t look very Magical to me.’

Nobodaddy’s expression contained a familiar mixture of amusement and scorn. ‘I’m sorry to say that the World of Magic is not immune to Infestations,’ he said. ‘And this part of it has been overrun, in recent times, by Rats.’

‘Rats?’ Luka cried in alarm, and now he realised what was wrong with those lookouts and border guards. They weren’t people at all, but giant rodents! Dog the bear growled angrily, but Bear the dog, who was a gentle-hearted soul, looked upset. ‘Let’s move on,’ he suggested quietly, but Luka shook his head. ‘I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m starving,’ he said. ‘Rats or no Rats, we have to go ashore, because we all need something to eat. Well, all of us except you,’ he added to Nobodaddy in an aside. Nobodaddy shrugged Rashid Khalifa’s familiar shrug and smiled Rashid Khalifa’s familiar smile and said, ‘Very well, if we must, we must. It’s been a while since I passed through the O-Fence.’ He saw Luka’s frown and explained, ‘This barbed-wire contraption. The O-Fence goes all around the Respectorate of I – it gives the place, you could say, its I-dentity – and, as the sign warns you, many of its present occupants take Offence very sharply indeed.’

‘We don’t plan to be rude,’ Luka said. ‘We just want lunch.’

The four travellers entered the border post, leaving the Argo in the care of the Elephant Drake and Elephant Duck, who passed the time diving for Eddyfish and other morsels. Inside the border post, standing at a counter behind a locked metal grille, was a large grey Rat in uniform: a Border Rat. ‘Papers,’ it said in a squeaky, Ratty voice. ‘We don’t have any papers,’ Luka honestly replied. The Border Rat went into a frenzy of screeches and squawks. ‘Absurd!’ it finally yelled. ‘Everybody has papers of some sort. Turn out your pockets.’ And so Luka emptied his pockets and found there, among the usual clutter of marbles, swap cards, elastic bands and game chips, three sweets still in their wrappers and two small, folded paper airplanes. ‘I never heard anything so rude,’ the Border Rat cried. ‘First he says he has no papers. Then it turns out he has papers. You’re lucky I’m the understanding kind. Hand over your papers and be grateful I’m in such a good mood.’ Nobodaddy nudged Luka, who regretfully handed over the swap cards, the airplanes and the orange sweets in their transparent wrapping. ‘Will that do?’ he asked.’ ‘Only because I’m the forgiving type,’ the Border Rat replied, pocketing the objects carefully. He unlocked the grille and allowed the travellers to pass through to the other side. ‘A word of warning,’ he said. ‘Here in the Respectorate we expect visitors to behave. We’re very thin-skinned. If you prick us, we bleed, and then we make you bleed double: is that clear?’

‘Absolutely clear,’ said Luka politely.

‘Absolutely clear what?’ the Border Rat screeched.

‘Absolutely clear, sir ,’ Nobodaddy answered. ‘Don’t worry, sir. We will most definitely mind our p’s and q’s. Sir.’

‘What about the other twenty-four letters of the alphabet?’ asked the Border Rat. ‘You can do a lot of damage with those, and never use a q or a p.’

‘We’ll mind the other letters also,’ said Luka, adding, quickly, ‘sir.’

‘Are any of you female?’ the Border Rat abruptly demanded. ‘That dog, is she a bitch? That bear, is she a… bearess? A bearina? A bearette?’

‘Bearina indeed,’ said Dog the bear. ‘Now I’m the one that’s offended.’

‘And I,’ said Bear the dog. ‘Not that I have anything against bitches.’

‘The nerve!’ squeaked the Border Rat. ‘That you say you are offended, insults me mortally. And if you insult one Rat mortally, you offend all Rats gravely. And a grave offence to all Rats is a funeral crime, a crime punishable by -’

‘We apologise, sir,’ said Nobodaddy hurriedly. ‘May we go now?’

‘Oh, very well,’ said the Border Rat, subsiding. ‘But mind your manners. I don’t want to have to send for the Respecto- Rats.’ Luka didn’t like the sound of those.

They came through the border post and found themselves in a grey street: the houses, the curtains at the windows, the clothing worn by Rats and people alike (yes, there were people here, Luka was relieved to see), all grey. The Rats were grey too and the people had acquired a greyish pallor. Overhead, grey clouds allowed a neutral sunlight to filter through. ‘They developed a Colour Problem here a little while ago,’ Nobodaddy said. ‘The Rats who hated the colour yellow because of its, well, cheesiness were confronted by the Rats who disliked the colour red because of its similarity to blood. In the end all colours, being offensive to someone or other, were banned by the Rathouse – that’s the parliament, by the way, although nobody votes for it, it votes for itself, and it basically does what the Over-Rat says.’

‘And who chooses the Over-Rat?’ Luka asked.

‘He chooses himself,’ said Nobodaddy. ‘Actually he chooses himself over and over again, he does it more or less every day, because he likes doing it so much. It’s known as being Over- Rat-ed.’