Anne Tyler - Searching for Caleb

"No."

"Well, I wish it sometimes, Duncan Peck."

"No doubt you do," said Duncan.

"And if you ever walk off again, you realize I won't follow. I'll have them declare you legally dead, I'll remarry right away."

"Of course," he said serenely.

There was no way to win a fight with that man.

She stormed out of the shop and then stood on the sidewalk, wondering what to do with herself. Everything seemed irritating. The sunlight was too sharp for her eyes. The traffic was too noisy, a swarm of gigantic glaring station wagons. She hated the way the women drivers were poised at the Main Street traffic light, all lifting their arms simultaneously to orchestrate their hairdos. She turned in the other direction, toward home, which was not where she wanted to be but she couldn't think of any place else.

In the kitchen, her grandfather was washing the dishes. Periodically he had these spells of trying to make the house look cared for. He wore around his waist a striped linen dishtowel with an enormous charred hole in its center. He bent over the sink, unaware of Justine's presence, doggedly scrubbing a saucepan with a piece of dried gourd that Duncan had grown two years ago after reading about its scouring properties. The gourd looked like a chunk of hardened beige seaweed. From time to time he stopped scrubbing and examined it, frowning, as if he found it difficult to believe. Then he rinsed the saucepan and plodded over to the table with it, head bowed, shoulders hunched. "Hello, Grandfather," Justine said. "Grandfather?"

He started and looked up. "Eh?"

"You don't have to wash the dishes."

"I'd like to know what we'd eat off tonight if I didn't."

"We could always go to the diner," Justine said.

"Ha."

He dried the saucepan on a corner of his apron. Then he set it on a stack of meticulously cleaned, polished plates and trudged back to the sink. He was so stooped that, from behind, his head seemed to disappear. All Justine saw was his rounded shoulders, the elastic X of his suspenders in the hollow of his spine, and his trousers draped and formless as if he had no seat. Nowadays, everywhere Justine looked she found something to make her sad.

She would have liked to write Meg another letter, but she had sent one just this morning. So she went instead to Meg's bedroom, to open her closet and stare at the row of shirtdresses that seemed to be leading a gentle muted life of their own. Someday soon, Meg said in her letters, she would stop by for the rest of her things or her parents could bring them when they came to visit. But Justine felt comforted by what was left behind and she would be sorry to see the room stripped. She took a deep breath of Meg's clean smell: Ivory soap and fresh-ironed fabric. She stroked the collar of the nearest dress, with its precise top-stitching, and then she lifted the cover of the sewing machine to admire Meg's mastery of such a complex, wheeled Invention. She would have opened bureau drawers, but Meg was particular about her privacy.

When Meg was a baby, Justine had realized for the first time that it was possible to die. She had felt suddenly fragile under the responsibility of staying alive to raise her daughter. (In those days, she expected to do it perfectly; she thought no one else could manage.) She developed a fear of fire that was so unfounded she couldn't even tell Duncan because of course he would laugh at her. Over and over again she imagined the salty smell of smoke in the air, or a flickering red glow reflected on the wall. If Duncan were home he could get them out of anything, but what if it happened in the daytime while he was at work? By herself she was so young and skinny and incompetent. Then gradually, she developed an escape plan. They were living in Uncle Ed Hodges's garage apartment at the time.

If fire broke out she could snatch up the baby, climb out on the kitchen window ledge, and make a long, desperate leap to the roof of Uncle Ed's back porch. Once she had pictured all this she relaxed, and eventually she forgot her fear completely. It was not till years later, returning to Uncle Ed's for a visit, that she saw that such a leap would have been insane. It was not only too far, it was also upward. She would have had to soar through the air like some surrealistic figure in a painting by Chagall, feet set neatly together and arms primly clasping the baby. But in those days, she might have managed anything. She was so necessary.

Even when Meg had left infancy, given up first Justine's breast and then her lap and finally gone to play in other rooms altogether, Justine had to be there. She had to be the feeder, the fixer, the sounding board for an endless stream of announcements. "Mama my dress is dirty, Sammy hit me, the violets are out. Mama there's a spider in my chocolate milk, a moth in my bath, a ladybug on the windowscreen. My stomach aches. My mosquito bites itch. Janie has a hamster, Edwin's in the asparagus, I broke the handle off my teapot, Melissa has a music box you can watch right through the glass." Justine nodded, barely listening; the only answer required was, "Yes, dear." Then Meg was satisfied, as if things came into existence only when she was certain her mother knew about them.

And now what? Justine had raised her daughter without dying after all; she was freed from her fears. But at night she woke up shaky and sad, and she pressed her face against Duncan's chest and said, "I'm not necessary any more."

"To me you are," he said. , He didn't see what she meant. He hadn't had that feeling of being essential to Meg in the first place; he couldn't know how it felt to lose it.

She wandered to other rooms, to hers and Duncan's with its unmade bed and scattered clothing, to the hall where she tripped over a stack of lumber.

Everything looked dusty and stale. She hung out the living room window to be revived by Ann-Campbell, who was taunting a playmate among the cucumber vines:

Little boy your teeth are green And your tongue it is rotting away.

Better gargle with some gasoline, Brush with Comet and vomit today.

She returned to the kitchen, feeling more cheerful. "Grandfather, let's take a trip," she said.

"A what?"

"A trip."

"But we don't have any leads right now, Justine."

"Why wait for leads? Oh, why won't anyone do anything? Are we just going to sit here? Am I going to get rooted to the living room couch?"

Her grandfather watched her, with his eyes wide and blank and his hands endlessly drying an Exxon coffee mug on the corner of his apron.

Justine took her grandfather to an afternoon concert in Palmfield, although she did not like classical music and her grandfather couldn't hear it. The two of them sat rigid in their seats, directing unblinking blue stares toward the outline of a set of car keys in the violin soloist's trouser pocket. Then they went home by bus with Justine as dissatisfied as ever, bored and melancholy. Each time strangers rose to leave she mourned them. Who knew in what way they might have affected her life?

She took Duncan, her grandfather, and Ann-Campbell Britt to the funeral of a chihuahua belonging to an old lady client. "What is this? Where are we going?" her grandfather kept asking. "Don't worry, just come," said Justine. "Why do you care? Just grab up your hearing aid and come, Grandfather. If you want things to happen you have to run a few blind errands, you know." So he came, grumbling, and they sat on folding chairs in a cow pasture that had recently been turned into a pets' memorial garden. "The casket cost one hundred and forty-five dollars," Justine whispered to Duncan. "It's all metal. But they could have settled for wood: thirty-two ninety-eight. Mrs. Bazley told me. She selected the hymns herself. The minister is fully ordained."

"Oh, excellent," said Duncan, "I wonder if he needs an assistant," and after the service he went up and offered Arthur Milsom's address to the minister. But Grandfather Peck wandered among the wreaths and urns looking baffled. Why had he been brought here? Justine could no longer tell him. She rode home beside Duncan without a word, swinging one foot and rapidly chewing coffee beans that she had taken to keeping in a tin container at the bottom of her bag.