Christopher Buckley: Thank You for Smoking

"Uh-huh. I did meet some interesting people. Lot of bankers."

"So what are you doing now that you've finished the book?"

"I'm working for an organization called Clean Lungs 2000, Larry. It's a very fine organization that, basically, tries to get people to stop smoking."

"Satisfying work?"

"Oh, very. And I'm learning things. For instance, did you know that smoking causes impotence?" "No."

"It's a scientific fact, Larry. There's some very interesting research going on right now. Of course, the tobacco lobby doesn't want you to know that."

"In your book you depict your former boss, BR, Budd Rohrabacher, as a pretty devious person."

"May he rest in peace, he was a thorough swine, Larry."

"What about his assistant, Jeannette, the one the police suspect may have had something to do with his death by smoke inhalation."

"I understand from some former — from some people that she's probably in the Far East somewhere, working for an escort service that caters to particular tastes."

"Do you think that she killed him?"

"Who knows, Larry. These things do happen, of course. People get careless with cigarettes. Of course, the most careless thing you can do with any cigarette is to light it in the first place."

"The subtitle of the book— -Jujitsuing the Neo-Puritans —what does that mean?"

"Well, as you know, jujitsu is the Japanese art of self-defense in which you use your opponent's weight and strength against him. That was really all I ever had to do. Though I certainly don't advocate smoking, there are some very sanctimonious people lined up on the non-smoking side. So it was just a matter of giving them a little shove and putting my foot behind them. I was actually pretty good at it. It was the only thing I was ever really good at. Well, the Nazi war criminals were fairly normal, too. A lot of them were family types, you know, take the kids to the zoo on Sundays. Mondays, go back to exterminating people, invading countries, goose-stepping. The new head of the Academy of Tobacco Studies, for instance, is very big in the Boy Scouts, the Kiwanis, Rotary International, Elks. If you met him and didn't know what he did, you'd probably think, nice guy, regular sort."

"You dedicate the book to two people: Doak Boykin—'the Captain'—former chairman of the board of the tobacco lobby, and Lorne Lutch, the former Tumbleweed brand model."

"Fine people, Larry. I think they should be forgiven for their role in tobacco, because they were of a previous generation that didn't really know just how bad it was for you. And by the end of their lives, they both saw the light, as it were, and regretted their. well, they felt badly about it. I spoke to the Captain the night before he died and he told me as much. As for Lorne, who died a couple of years ago— BR actually sent me out there with a briefcase full of five hundred thousand dollars cash to bribe him to stop denouncing tobacco, and you know what he did — this is in the book — he kicked me right out of there."

"That's a lot of temptation, five hundred grand." "It certainly was, Larry. Courageous man."

"We're going to take some calls. Winston-Salem, North Carolina, you're on Larry King."

"Larry, I want to say that I think that man is lower than the slime on a catfish's belly. And I apologize to the catfish."

"Nick, care to comment?"

"Not really, Larry."

"Emotional issue."