Chuck Palahniuk - Tell All

In the foreground, I sit on a white-paintedkitchen chair with my feet propped on a similar white-painted table, mylegs crossed at the ankle; my hands turn the pages of yet anotherscreenplay. Open across my lap is a screenplay about LillianHellmanstarring Lillian Hellmanwritten by Lillian Hellman.

Upstage, Miss Kathie’s feet appear on thesteps which descend from the second floor. Her pink slippers. The hem ofher pink dressing gown. The gown flutters, revealing a flash of smooththigh. Her hands appear, one clutching a ream of paper, her other handclutching a wad of black fabric. Even before her face appears in thedoorway, her voice calls, “Hazie …” Almost a shout, her voice says,“Someone telephoned me, just now, from the animal hospital.”

On the page, Lilly Hellman runs faster than aspeeding bullet. She’s more powerful than a locomotive and able to leaptall buildings in a single bound.

Standing in the doorway, Miss Kathie holdsthe black fabric, the ream of papers. She says, “ Loverboydid not die from eating chocolates …” and she throws the black fabriconto the kitchen table. There the fabric lies, creating a face of twoempty eyes and an open mouth. It’s a ski mask, identical to the onedescribed in Love Slave ,worn by the Yakuza assassin wielding the ice pick.

Miss Kathie says, “The very nice veterinarianexplained to me that Loverboywas poisonedwith cyanide.…”

Like so many others around here …

On the scripted page, Lilly Hellman parts the Red Seaand raises Lazarusfrom the dead. “After that,” she says, “I telephoned Groucho Marxand he says you never invited him tothe funeral.…” Her violet eyes flashing, she says, “Neither did youinvite Joan Fontaine, Sterling Haydenor Frank Borzage.”Her dulcet voice rising, MissKathie says, “The only person you did invitewas Webster Carlton Westward III.”

She swings the ream of paper she holds rolledin her fist, swatting the pages against the black ski mask, making thekitchen table jump. Miss Kathie screams, “I found this mask, tucked away— in your room.”

Such an accusation. My Miss Kathie says that Ipoisoned the Pekingese, then invited only the bright-eyed Webster tojoin us in the crypt so he could arrive bearing flowers at her moment ofgreatest emotional need. Throughout the past few months, while I’veseemed to be warning her against the Webster, she insists that I’veactually been aiding and abetting him. She claims I’ve been telling himwhen to arrive and how best to court her. After that, the Webster andmyself, the two of us poisoned Terry by accident. She says the Websterand myself are plotting to kill her.

Bark, honk, cluck … conspiracy. Oink, bray, tweet … treachery.

Moo, meow, whinny … collusion most foul.

On the screenplay page, Lilly Hellman turnswater to wine. She heals the lepers. She spins filthy straw into thepurest gold.

When my Miss Kathie pauses to take a breath, Itell her not to be ridiculous. Clearly, she’s mistaken. I am notscheming with the Webster to murder her.

“Then how do you explain this?” she says,offering the pages in her hand. Printed along the top margin of each, atitle. Typed there, it says, Paragon: AnAutobiography . Authored by Katherine Kenton.As told to Hazie Coogan. Shaking her head,she says, “I did not write this. In fact, I found it tucked under your mattress.…”

The story of her life. Written in her name.By someone else.

Flipping past the title page, she looks atme, her violet eyes twitching between me and the manuscript she holds.Her pink dressing gown trembles. From the kitchen table, the empty skimask stares up at the ceiling. “ ‘Chapter one,’ ” my Miss Kathie reads, “‘My life began in the truest and fullest sense the glorious day I firstmet my dearest friend, Hazie Coogan.…’ ”

We continue with the audio bridge of Katherine Kentonreading from the manuscript of Paragon , “ ‘… the glorious day I first met mydearest friend, Hazie Coogan…’ ”

Once more we see the two girls from thecasting office. In a soft-focus montage of quick cuts, the ugly girlcombs the long auburn hair of the pretty girl. Using a file, the uglygirl shapes the fingernails of the pretty girl, painting them with pinklacquer. Pursing her lips, the ugly girl blows air to dry the paintednails as if she were about to kiss the back of the pretty girl’s hand.

Miss Kathie’s movie-star voice continues, “‘… living and playing together, cavorting amidst the adoring legions ofour public …’ ”

In contrast, we see the girl with beady eyesand a beaky nose, watching as she tweezes the eyebrows above the violeteyes. The ugly girl kneels to scrape the dead skin off the pretty girl’sheels using a pumice stone. Like a charwoman, the ugly girl rocksforward and back with the effort to scrub the pretty girl’s bare backusing sea salt and elbow grease.

My Miss Kathie’s voice-over continues, “ ‘…living and playing together, working seemingly endless hours, Hazie and Ialways supported and urged each other forward in this festive endeavorwe so blithely refer to as life …’ ” She reads, “ ‘We lived so much likesisters that we even shared our wardrobes, wearing one another’s shoes,exchanging even our undergarments with complete freedom.…’ ”

As the montage continues, the ugly girlsweats over an ironing board, pressing the lace and frills on a blouse,then giving it to the pretty girl. The ugly girl bends to lather andshave one of the pretty girl’s long legs as it extends from a bathtuboverflowing with luminous bubbles.

“‘I scratched her back,’ ” the voice of MissKathie reads, “ ‘and Hazie scratched mine.…’ ” On-screen, the ugly girl delivers a breakfasttray to the pretty girl, who waits in bed.

“‘We made a special point to pamper eachother,’ ” says the voice-over.

In the continuing ironic montage, the prettygirl puts a cigarette between her own lips, and the ugly girl leansforward to light it. The pretty girl drops a dirty towel on the floor,and the ugly girl picks it up for the laundry. The pretty girl sprawlsin a chair, reading a screenplay, while the ugly girl vacuums the rugaround her.

The voice of Miss Kathie reads, “ ‘And as ourcareers began to bear fruit, we both savored the rewards of success andfame.…’ ”

As the montage progresses, we see the uglygirl become a woman, still plain-looking, but aging, gaining weight,turning gray, while the pretty girl stays much the same, slender, herskin smooth, her hair a constant, rich auburn. In quick cuts, the prettygirl weds a man, then weds a new man, then weds a third man, then afourth and fifth, while the ugly woman stands by, always burdened withluggage, shoulder bags, shopping bags.

In voice-over Miss Kathie says, “ ‘I oweeverything I’ve become, really everything I’ve attained and achieved, tono one except Hazie Coogan. …’ ”

As the ugly woman ages, we see her prettycounterpart laughing within a circle of reporters as they thrust radiomicrophones and photographers flash their cameras. The ugly woman alwaysstands outside the spotlight, offstage in the wings, off-camera in theshadows, holding the pretty woman’s fur coat.

Still reading from the manuscript of Paragon , Miss Kathie’s voice says, “ ‘We sharedthe trials and the tears. We shared the fears and the greatest joys.Living together, shouldering the same burdens, we kept each otheryoung.…’ ”