Chuck Palahniuk - Tell All

The idealized lovers immediately vacate thebed and begin to dress. They towel off. Without speaking, Miss Kathieapplies lipstick. The specimen shines his shoes, buffing them with ahorsehair brush. In separate mirrors, each inspects their own teeth,checks their profile, snarls and uses a fingernail to pick a stray hairfrom within their respective cheeks. All of this physical businessconducted in dreamy slow motion.

Terry’s voice continues to read, “ ‘Perhapsit was Katherine’s primal nature which lured her to her doom. Inretrospect, she felt at ease only among a wider variety of sentientbeings, and this impulse once more prompted us to venture into societywith the ravenous, imprisoned residents of the CentralPark Zoo.…’ ”

The two lovers stroll, leaving the townhouse, walking west toward Fifth Avenue.Sunlight streams down from a clear blue sky. Songbirds twitter a brightchorus, and dazzling geraniums bloom, red and pink, in window boxes.Liveried doorman tip their hats, their gold braid flashing, as MissKathie passes. The idealized Miss Kathie, her face smooth, her feetgliding, almost floats along the sidewalk.

“ ‘To Katherine,’ ” continues the voice-over,“ ‘perhaps life itself occurred as a sort of prison she felt compelledto escape. A film star must feel akin to the beasts on display in anyzoo.…’ ”

In a tracking shot, we see the lovers wanderdown a path, wending their way into the park, past the pond filled withsea lions. Beside the colony of emperor penguins, the idealized Websterwaddles, heels together, to mimic the comic seabirds. The idealized MissKathie laughs, revealing her brilliant teeth and arching her willowy,slender throat. Suddenly, impulsively, she dashes ahead, out of theshot.

“ ‘Among the last endearments Katherineoffered me, she confided that I was in possession of the most gifted,skilled male equipment that had ever existed in all recorded humanhistory, ever.…’ ” The voice-over says, “ ‘Raspberries to thosegrouches who had branded her box-office poison…’ ”

As Miss Kathie slowly sprints along the path,her movie-star hair streaming in the air, we hear the voice of Terrence Terryread, “ ‘I bounded in pursuit of mysplendid beloved, declaring my devotion in a breathless publicproclamation. In that instant of greatest joy, I threw open my arms inorder to capture and embrace all the women she had been, Cinderellaand Harriet Tubmanand Mary Cassatt.…’ ”

In soft-focus slow motion, the idealized Webbruns, his arms outstretched. As he reaches Miss Kathie, she tumblesbackward, falling out of the shot.

In real time, we see the flash of pointedteeth. We hear guttural roars and hear bones breaking. A scream ringsout.

“ ‘At that instant,’ ” the voice-over reads, “‘my everything, my reason for living, the idol of millions, Katherine Kenton, loses her footing and plummetsinto the grizzly bear enclosure.…’ ”

Still reading from Love Slave , the voice of TerrenceTerrysays, “ ‘The end.’ ”

While my position is not that of a privatedetective or a bodyguard, for the present time my job tasks includeplundering Webb’s suitcase in search of the latest revisions to Love Slave . Later, Imust sneak the manuscript back to its hiding place between the launderedshirts and undershorts so the Webster specimen won’t realize we’resavvy to his ever-evolving plot.

The fantasy murder scene dissolves into thecurrent place and time. Once more we find ourselves in the hotelballroom crowded with elegant guests previously seen in the awardsceremony with the senator. Here is an entirely different event, whereinmy Miss Kathie is being awarded an honorary degree from Wasser College. On the same stage used earlier, inact one, scene nine, a distinguished man wears a tuxedo, standing at amicrophone. The shot begins with the same swish pan as before, graduallyslowing to a crane shot moving between the tables circled by seatedguests.

Used a second time, the effect will feel atouch clichéd, thus suggesting the tedium of even Miss Kathie’sseemingly glamorous life. How even lofty accolades become tiresome.Again, the upstage wall is filled with a shifting montage of vastblack-and-white film clips which show my Miss Kathie as Mrs. Caesar Augustus, as Mrs.Napoleon Bonaparte, as Mrs. Alexander theGreat. All the greatest roles of her illustrious career. Eventhis tribute montage is identical to the montage used in the previousscene, and as the same close-ups occur, her movie-star face begins toregister as something abstract, no longer a person or even a humanbeing, becoming a sort of trademark or logo. Symbolic and mythic as thefull moon.

Speaking at the microphone, the master ofceremonies says, “Although she left school in the sixth grade, Katherine Kentonhas earned a master’s degree inlife.…” Turning his head to one side, the speaker looks off stage right,saying, “She is a full tenured professor who has taught audiencesworldwide about love and perseverance and faith.…”

In an eye-line match, we reveal Miss Kathieand myself standing, hidden among the shadows in the stage-right wing.She stands frozen as a statue, shimmering in a beaded gown while I applytouches of powder to her neck, her décolletage, the point of her chin.At my feet, around me sit the bags and totes and vacuum bottles that allcontribute to creating this moment. The hairpieces and makeup andprescription drugs.

When Photoplay published the six-page pictorial showing Miss Kathie’s town houseinterior it was my hands that folded the sharp hospital corners on everybed. True, the photographs depicted Miss Kathie with an apron tiedaround her waist, kneeling to scrub the kitchen floor, but only afterI’d cleaned and waxed that tile. My hands create her eyes andcheekbones. I pluck and pencil her famous eyebrows. What you see iscollaboration. Only when we’re combined, together, do Miss Kathie and Imake one extraordinary person. Her body and my vision.

“As a teacher,” says the master ofceremonies, “ Katherine Kentonhas reachedinnumerable pupils with her lessons of patience and hard work.…”

Within this tedious monologue, we dissolve toflashback: a recent sunny day in the park. As in the earlier,soft-focus murder fantasy, Miss Kathie and WebsterCarlton Westward IIIstroll hand in hand toward the zoo. In amedium shot, we see Miss Kathie and Webb step to the rail whichsurrounds a pit full of pacing grizzly bears. Miss Kathie’s hands gripthe metal rail so tightly the knuckles glow white, her face frozen sonear the bears, only a vein, surfacing beneath the skin of her neck,pulses and squirms to betray her terror. We hear the ambient noise ofchildren singing. We hear lions and tigers roar. Hyenas laugh. Somejungle bird or howler monkey declares its existence, screeching amaniac’s gibberish. Our entire world, always doing battle against thesilence and obscurity of death.

Chirp, squawk, bray … George Gobel. Moo, meow, oink … Harold Lloyd.

Instead of soft focus, this flashback occursin grainy, echoing cinema verité. The only light source, the afternoonsun, flares in the camera lens, washing out the scene in brief flashes.The grizzlies stagger and bellow among the sharp rocks below. Fromoff-camera, a peacock screams and screams with the hysterical voice of awoman being stabbed to death.

On top of all these ambient animal sounds, westill faintly hear the master of ceremonies saying, “We bestow thishonorary PhD in humanities not so much in recognition of what she’slearned, but in gratitude—in our most earnest gratitude—for what Katherine Kentonhas taught us.…”