Chuck Palahniuk - Tell All

At our next stop, the dressmaker’s, the cabstops for me to pick up the gown my Miss Kathie had altered. After that,we stop at the florist’s to buy the corsage of orchids that MissKathie’s nervous hands will fondle and finger tonight, as eight o’clockcomes and goes and her brown-eyed young beau doesn’t ring the doorbell.Before the clock strikes eight-thirty, Miss Kathie will ask me to pourher a drink. By the stroke of nine, she’ll swallow a Valium.By ten o’clock, these orchids will be shredded. By then, my Miss Kathiewill be drunken, despondent, but safe.

Our perspective cuts back and forth betweenthe bedside alarm clock and the roving taxi meter. Dollars and minutestick away. A countdown to tonight’s disaster. We stop by thehairdresser’s to collect the wig that’s been washed and set. We stop bythe hosier’s for the waist cincher and a new girdle. The cobbler’s, forthe high heels Miss Kathie wanted resoled. The bodice of the eveninggown feels crusted with beads and embroidery, rough as sandpaper orbrick inside its garment bag.

The camera follows me, dashing about,assembling all the ingredients—breathless as a mad scientist or agourmet chef—to create my masterpiece. My life’s work.

If most American women imagine Mary, Queen of Scotsor theEmpress Eugenieor Florence Nightingale,they picture Miss Kathie in a period costume standing in a two-shotwith John Garfieldor GabbyHayeson an MGMsoundstage. In thepublic mind, Miss Kathie, her face and voice, is collapsed with the Virgin Mary, Dolley Madisonand Eve,and I will not allow her to dissipate that legend. WilliamWyler, C. B. DeMilleand Howard Hawksmay have directed her in a picture or two, but I have directed MissKathie’s entire adult life. My efforts have made her the heroine, thehuman form of glory, for the past three generations of women. I coachedher to her greatest roles as Mrs. Ivanhoe, Mrs. KingArthurand Mrs. Sheriff of Nottingham.Under my tutelage, Miss Kathie will forever be synonymous with thecharacters of Mrs. Apollo, Mrs. Zeusand Mrs. Thor.

Now more than ever the world needs my MissKathie to personify their core values and ideals.

According to WalterWinchell, “menoposture” refers to the ramrod straight backbone ofa Joan Crawfordor an EthelBarrymore, a lady of a certain age whose spine never touches theback of any chair. A Helen Hayes, who standsstraight as a military cadet, her shoulders back in defiance of gravityand osteoporosis. That crucial age when older picture stars become what Hedda Hoppercalls “fossilidealized,” the livingexample of proper manners and discipline and self-restraint. Some Katharine Hepburnor Bette Davisillustration of noble hard work and Yankee ambition.

Miss Kathie has become the paragon I’vedesigned. She illustrates the choice we must make between giving theimpression of a very youthful, well-preserved older person, or appearingto be a very degraded, corrupt young person.

My work will not be distracted by somepanting, clutching, brown-eyed male. I have not labored my entirelifetime to build a monument for idiot little boys to urinate againstand knock down with their dirty hands.

The cab makes a quick stop at the cornernewsstand for cigarettes. Aspirin. Breath mints. In the same moment, the bedside clock strikesfour, and the alarm begins to buzz. One long movie-star hand reaches,the fingers searching, the wrist and forearm clashing with goldbracelets and charms.

At the curb outside the town house, I’mpassing a twenty-dollar bill to the cabdriver.

Inside, the alarm continues, buzzing andbuzzing, until my own hand enters the shot, pressing the button, whichceases the noise. In addition to the wig and white sable, I’ve broughtthe gown, the corsage, the shoes. I’ve filled an ice bucket and broughtclean towels and a bottle of chilled rubbing alcohol, everything asclean and sterile as if I were kneeling bedside to deliver a baby.

My fingers hold an ice cube, rubbing it in aslow arc below one violet eye to shrink Miss Kathie’s loose skin. Theice skims over Miss Kathie’s forehead, smoothing the wrinkles. Themelting water saturates the skin of her cheeks, bringing pink to thesurface. The cold shrinks the folds in her neck, drawing the skin tightalong her jawline.

Our preparation for tonight, all of her restand my work, as much fuss and sweat as my Miss Kathie would invest inany screen test or audition.

With one hand I’m blotting the melted water.Dabbing her face with cotton balls dipped in the cold rubbing alcohol,reducing the pores. Her skin now feels as frigid as the sable coatpreserved in cold storage. At one time, every fur-bearing animal in theworld lived in terror of Katherine Kenton.Like Roz Russellor BettyHutton, if Miss Kathie chose to wear a coat of red ermine or ahat trimmed in pelican feathers, no ermine or seabird was safe. Onephoto of her arriving at an awards dinner or premiere was enough to putmost animals onto the endangered species list.

This woman is Pocahontas.She is Athenaand Hera.Lying in this messy, unmade bed, eyes closed, this is Juliet Capulet. Blanche DuBois. Scarlett O’Hara.With ministrations of lipstick and eyeliner I give birth to Ophelia. To Marie Antoinette.Over the next trip of the larger hand around the face of the bedsideclock, I give form to Lucrezia Borgia. Takingshape at my fingertips, my touches of foundation and blush, here is Jocasta. Lying here, LadyWindermere. Opening her eyes, Cleopatra.Given flesh, a smile, swinging her sculpted legs off one side of thebed, this is Helen of Troy. Yawning andstretching, here is every beautiful woman across history.

My position is not that of a painter, asurgeon or a sculptor, but I perform all those duties. My job title: Pygmalion.

As the clock strikes seven, I’m hooking mycreation into her girdle, lacing the waist cincher. Her shoulders shrugthe gown over her head, and her hands smooth the skirts down each hip.

With the handle of a long rattail comb, I’mhooking and tucking her gray hair into the edges of her auburn wig whenMiss Kathie says, “Hush.”

Her violet eyes jumping to the clock, shesays, “Did you hear the doorbell just now?” Still tucking away stray hairs, I shake myhead, No.

When the clock strikes eight, the shoes areslipped onto her feet. The white sable draped across her shoulders. Herorchids, still chilled from the icebox, she cups them in her lap,sitting at the top of the stairs, looking down into the foyer, watchingthe street door. One diamond earring pushes forward, her head cocked tohear footsteps on the stoop. Maybe the muffled knock of a man’s glove onthe door, or the sound of the bell.

A whiskey later, Miss Kathie goes to theboudoir mantel and her violet eyes study the letter I forged. She takesthe paper and holds it, sitting again on the stairs. Another whiskeylater, she returns to her boudoir to fold the letter and tear it inhalf. She folds the page and tears it again, tears it again, and dropsthe fluttering pieces into the fireplace. The flames. One of mycreations destroying another. My counterfeit Medeaor Lady Macbeth, burning my false declarationof love.

True love is NOT out ofyour reach . Saturday replaced with Friday. Tomorrow, when Webster Carlton Westward IIIarrives for his actualdinner date, it will be too late to repair tonight’s broken heart.