Sarah Mlynowski - Monkey Business

I possess strong interpersonal skills (two guys in my learning group want me) that I believe would be an asset to you. My experience demonstrates the ability to plan and execute in-depth seducing strategies, with results-oriented goals. I’m hoping the guy I’ve been hooking up with will dump his girlfriend over Thanksgiving. Why wouldn’t he, right? He’s obviously not too interested in her if he’s been hooking up with me. Not sleeping with me, mind you, as that’s where he arbitrarily draws the line. But I’m assuming he hasn’t wanted to break up with her over the phone (he’s sensitive and considerate) and will take care of it this weekend in person. I’m sure you agree that this is his best plan of action.

Should you also agree that my competencies would make a strong contribution to your organization, I would appreciate the opportunity to further discuss my experience and goals at your convenience. My résumé is attached for your review.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Kimmy Nailer

P. S. If you perform drug-testing for summer employment, don’t bother getting back to me. It’s a long story, but the guy I’ve been hooking up with smokes a lot of pot, and in order to prove to him that I’m more agreeable than the prude he actually does cross the line with back home, I’ve had to do some puffing myself. I wish I could tell you that although I smoke, I don’t inhale, but that would make me a liar as well as a boyfriend-poacher, and I do have some ethics, after all. Who knew?

Thursday, November 20, 7:00 p.m.

Iknock on Layla’s door to the rhythm of “The Sound of Music.” The-hills. Are-a-live. To-the-sound. Of-mu-(long pause)-sic.

“One sec!” She hollers, then opens the door, dressed in khakis and a Polo shirt. I love that this is her study outfit. Everyone else wears sweatpants and flannel to study in. Or maybe that’s just me. What’s the point in being uncomfortable?

“It’s Thursday night. Time to watch the student body drink and make fools of themselves,” I tell her.

She laughs and shakes her head. “Are you crazy, Jamie? There’s no time for a beer bash tonight. There’s a speaking event I want to go to, and do you realize how much work we have due next week? Job applications, Economics midterm, our group OB and Strategy cases, never mind the Economics assignment-”

“You can’t still be working on Economics. You’ve been doing it for ages.”

“It’s worth sixty percent of our final mark! Have you finished your applications?”

“Nah, I’m not applying anywhere through school.”

She throws her arms up in bewilderment. “What? Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to be a consultant or a banker or work for a pharmaceutical company. And those are the only companies hiring through LWBS.”

“Why don’t you?”

“They suck your soul. Did you see Harry Potter? Remember the dementors? I don’t want that to happen to me.”

“It’s not that bad,” she says quickly. “What do you want to do?”

“What do I want to do, what do I want to do.” I lean against the doorway. “I have no idea.” Sleep? Watch movies?

“Do you want to hear some fabulous female speakers in the auditorium?”

“Like who?”

“Megan Milton, CEO of E-World.”

“I’ve never bought anything off the Web.”

“Get out! Come with me and learn how safe it is.”

“Who else is speaking?”

“I think the woman who runs Body Shop and also some nonprofit female executives. Come on!”

Not a movie, but I wouldn’t mind spending some quality time with Layla. Last month I couldn’t stop thinking about Kimmy. Now I can’t stop thinking about Layla. Ever since our Halloween conversation, I can’t get her long blond hair out of my mind. I must be a flake. One day I’m proposing marriage to Kimmy on the bathroom wall, and the next day I’m fantasizing about another woman’s long bond hair dripping over my naked body.

If I thought Kimmy was out of my league, Layla isn’t even in the same hemisphere. At least Kimmy had the Jewish thing going, which I thought would give me an edge. A Jewish girl usually wants to marry a Jewish guy, right? But even if Layla isn’t into this whole caste system thing, she has her eye on someone else. Some WASP-y prince. I’d say my chances of wooing her are effectively zero.

Which is a good thing, I suppose, because if I brought her home for Hanukkah dinner, both my mother and bubbe would have a heart attack.

So instead, I’m going to take what I can get, friendship with Layla. “I think I’ll come along. Not sure if Megan can put on as entertaining a show as our beer-satiated classmates, but whatever.”

“Give me ten minutes to change, and I’ll meet you downstairs.”

She’s changing? The khakis and Polo top aren’t good enough? I look down at my sweatpants and fleece sweatshirt, and decide it wouldn’t hurt to spruce up a bit.

I change into black pants and a shirt I tuck in, and meet her downstairs. She’s wearing a striped pantsuit and looking fantastic. She’s holding a leather folder and a fountain pen. I’m assuming she’s planning on taking notes. Should be a wild and crazy night. Oh, what one does for “friendship.”

She puts her arm on my shoulder. “Jamie, I have to tell you something important.”

Is it possible? Does she like me?

“I worked for Rosen Brothers and we were the ones who recommended to personnel at your hospital to scale back. And ever since I found out you used to work there, I’ve been feeling horrendously guilty.”

Damn. Not what I was hoping for. “Don’t feel bad. The truth was, I wasn’t happy there, anyway. Working at a hospital wasn’t the right environment for me. I tend to absorb my surroundings, and I ended up feeling down most of the time. So getting laid off ended up being good for me.”

“Wow,” she says. “I feel a huge sense of relief.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“If I can ever do anything to help you get a job, let me know.”

I hold open the glass door. “Actually, Layla, I could use one favor.”

“Anything.” She tightens her coat around her.

I take a deep breath. “This is going to sound very strange. But for some reason, LWBS thinks I’m a woman.”

She stops walking and laughs. “Pardon me?”

“I don’t know why,” I lie. “It’s some sort of glitch in the system. Because of my name, I guess. I’ve tried calling and e-mailing so someone will fix it, but no one has gotten back to me. You have access to the main computer, since you’re on the applications committee. I was wondering if there was any way you could set things straight?”

“That’s hilarious. Are you on the WOB e-list and everything?”

“I am. I even got an e-mail for tonight.” I’ve gotten three e-mails from the Women of Business society. And trust me, I’d love to join. Talk about an easy place to pick up.

She considers it. “So all I would have to do is change the W to an M ?”

“Yup.” I try to sound casual, as though it’s no big deal.

“All right.” She exaggerates giving me a once-over. “You are, in fact, a man, aren’t you?”

“I’m all man, darlin’.” I’d certainly like to prove it to her.

Some of the speeches are interesting. Right now a woman named Danielle Grand is explaining her job as executive director at the nonprofit Girls Group in Danbury, which is about ten minutes away. “Girls Group sets up art, athletic, business and career-building programs for young women aged seven to seventeen, with the aim of building confidence, and teaching them that they can make positive contributions to the world,” she explains.