Robert Pirsig - Lila. An Inquiry Into Morals

There was no one else on the street here but she had the feeling somebody was watching her. It seemed that if she turned her head suddenly she’d see somebody right behind her.

The dark buildings looked like some place she had never seen before. Some bad movie where people get killed.

What did she need to be so scared of? There was nothing to be afraid of. At least she wasn’t going to get robbed. All they’d get would be these shirts. That would be a laugh. Here, she’d say. Have some shirts. They wouldn’t know what to do.

She looked back suddenly to see what was following. There was nothing. Most of the windows were dark. In just a few there was some light behind some shades. There was an orange round little light in one window. It looked like a face.

Somebody had put a Jack O’Lantern in the window. Like the witch in the store window. Halloween.

Like that old bag lady yesterday who looked like a witch. She looked at Lila in a funny way. Like she recognized her. Maybe she was really a witch too! That’s why she had looked at her that way.

She didn’t want to be a witch. When she was little she wanted to wear the pirate costume but Em got to wear it instead. Lila had to wear the witch’s costume. That’s what the old bag lady looked like. Like the mask she wore on that witch’s costume when she was little. She didn’t want to wear it but her mother made her.

Her mother’s face came back. Lila, why can’t you be more like Emmaline?

I hate Emmaline! Lila said.

Em doesn’t hate you.

That’s what you think, Lila said. Lila knew what she really was like. Always getting what she wanted. Always playing up. That’s what her mother wanted.

Lies. Em got all the new dresses. Lila got to be the witch.

At her grandfather’s funeral her mother made her wear Em’s old blue dress, and gave all the blue and white plates to Emmaline. She saw a bee this morning on top of a car and she thought about the island and her grandfather.

She wished she was at the island now. Her grandfather had bees and he used to make toast with the honey from the bees and give her some. She remembered he always used to put it on a blue and white plate. Then the funeral came and they sold his house and gave the blue and white plates to Emmaline and Lila never saw the bees again. She used to think the bees went over to the island with her grandfather. And then sometimes they’d fly back and she’d see them again and they always knew where her grandfather was. That’s what she thought about this morning when she saw the bee on the car.

I told you you’ll never find happiness this way, Lila, her mother said. Her face had that little smile she always got when she made somebody feel bad.

I’m tired of hearing that, Mother, Lila answered. What happiness did you find?

Little pin-eyes, eyes, eyes…

Her mother thought Lila was going to hell because she was bad, but the island, when you went there, it didn’t matter whether you were bad. You just went there. It was in the picture on her grandfather’s wall.

The wind came around the corner and blew through her sweater and blew something into her eyes like sand or dirt or something so she couldn’t see. She had to stop and stand close to a brick wall and blink to get it out.

There! Around the corner of the building she saw it! It was following her! She concentrated on it and concentrated some more with all her might. She really was a witch because slowly the face started to appear. She could make things come to her.

But now she could see it wasn’t a man at all that was following. It was just a dog.

As soon as the dog saw that she saw it, it disappeared back behind the building.

She concentrated some more. After a while, slowly, it started to come again. She didn’t move but held her eyes on it and then slowly step by step it came toward her. By the time it was halfway across the street she saw who it was. It was Lucky! After all these years.

Oh Lucky, you’ve come back, she said. You’re all whole again.

She started to walk toward him. She wanted to reach down and pet him but Lucky backed away.

Don’t you know me, Lucky? Lila asked. You’re all whole again. Don’t you remember me?

It didn’t show where he got hit by the car.

How did you get back from the island, Lucky? Did you swim? Where is the island, Lucky? We must be getting close to it now. You show me the way.

But as soon as Lila walked toward him Lucky walked ahead of her and as she followed him she saw that his feet hardly touched the ground, as though he didn’t have any weight at all.

From the dark far down the street came a truck without any headlights on. It hardly made any sound either. Scary. When the truck got near a street light and she could see whose it was, her heart jumped. Now she was really scared. He was here! He’d found her.

The last time she saw that truck was when they towed it to the junk yard. All smashed up. Just like him. The blood was all over the door of the truck from where his head hung over it. In the morgue she never looked at him. They couldn’t make her look at him.

Here he came now, in his pick-up truck, right down that street there, and he’s going to open the door and say Get in!

Then he’ll know what to do. He’ll find that goddamned bastard friend of Jamie that took her money and he’ll make him give it back. Then he’ll smash him to pieces. With one hand. He knew how to do that. He was always smashing up somebody. The son-of-a-bitch… You shouldn’t say that about somebody when they’re dead. As soon as she’d said it the truck steered to hit Lucky.

But Lucky stepped out of the way.

The truck went right by and she saw it was who she thought it was. He looked at her like she was somebody he didn’t want to have anything to do with. But he knew who she was and she knew who he was and then he sped up and the truck was gone.

She remembered the blood. Everybody acted like they were so sorry for her. All the hypocrites said, Oh Lila, we’re so sorry! But they were just hypocrites. They hated him as much as she did. The bastard. You shouldn’t say that about dead people but that’s what he was. She said it to him when he was alive. No reason to change now. It was the truth.

When she got around the corner, there it was, the castle! Lucky found it! But it was off where she didn’t think it would be. But she saw she could turn here and then down there was the park and the cement place and she thought that the boats were there too.

What a good dog! He was always so good. Someone must have sent him from the island to show her the way. Now she could go to the boat and wait for the Captain and he would take her down the river to the island.

She didn’t remember the cement place very well. It was scary. It looked like something where the lions come out at you. And there were steps going out from the other side and you didn’t know who might be there waiting. She walked slowly, step by step…

She didn’t hear anything, but she was afraid…

She took another step closer. There was nothing else she could do. She had to go past it. She held her breath and looked around the corner…

There was the marina! And all the water of the river. It was all here! Oh, it felt so good to be back again.

She could hear the boat ropes going bing-bing-bing in the wind.

At the gate for the marina was a black man who said something to her but she couldn’t understand what he was saying. He kept waving his hands and pointed to her but he didn’t touch her when she walked past him to the boat.

She walked down the dock and there was the boat! Lucky had found the way.