Robert Pirsig - Lila. An Inquiry Into Morals

Her shoes were getting all squishy. Like her clothes and this box of shirts. Maybe she should just stop walking and wait for the rain to stop. But then she wouldn’t get to the castle. Until she got to the castle there was nowhere to stop.

Why didn’t she ever learn not to get mad at people? You always think someone’s going to come along and save you but this time it was too late. Some nice man’s going to come along and save you. Like the Captain there. You always think that, don’t you? But they’re all gone now, Lila. The Captain was the last one. There won’t be any more, Lila. He was the last one.

That’s what the one in the window was telling her.

These shirts she bought for the Captain were getting all wet. He wouldn’t even pay her for them now. Maybe if she could stand in a doorway or something until the rain stopped she could keep the shirts dry. She should have kept the bag they were in. That would have kept them dry. Then she could take the shirts back to the store and she could get some money for a taxi. But she needed a taxi to get back to the store. Besides the store was closed by this time.

The receipt was in the billfold. Maybe they would remember her. No they wouldn’t… Maybe there’ll be some money in the boat. She could just go in and look through all the drawers and places like that. But then she remembered she couldn’t get in the boat. She didn’t have the combination. She’d just have to wait until the Captain came to let her in. But then if he was there she couldn’t look through all the drawers. Maybe he’d give her some money then. No, he was really mad. He wouldn’t give her anything.

Maybe she would walk all night and not find the river. Probably she’d passed the castle. She’d walk and walk and never find it. She couldn’t even ask where the boat was. She didn’t remember the name of the place the boat was at. She just thought it was in this direction.

Maybe she would never find it and she would just walk and walk, on and on.

Then the Captain would just go and sail away and she would never see him again. With all her things! He was going to take her suitcase! All her things! Everything she owned was in there!

She didn’t see any sign of the river. She should ask someone where the boat place on the river is but she didn’t know what to ask for. The buildings changed slowly as she walked. She didn’t know any of them.

Someone was coming on a bicycle. He went right by. It was getting quieter and quieter here now. It looked like a better neighborhood, but you never know. This is where they come.

She must have gone too far. She didn’t remember this neighborhood. She should have stayed close to the river. Soon she’d be up in Harlem somewhere and she didn’t want to be there. Not at night. Some of the windows had iron over them and barbed wire underneath.

There wasn’t any castle. The castle would be skinny with a green pointed top that looked like a space ship, but there wasn’t any.

Why did she have to go and call the Captain names and get him mad like that? Now she didn’t know what she was going to do. If she’d just been mealy-mouthed with him instead of telling him off she’d be on her way to Florida now.

She shouldn’t have tried to get him to take Jamie along. She could see how he got uptight the moment she said it. She should have kept her mouth shut.

She shouldn’t have argued with him. If you don’t sneak around and say mealy-mouthed things they’ll get you for that. They’ll make you pay. They’ve all got to show you how big and strong they are. If you ever dare breathe that you don’t think they’re as big and strong as they pretend, they hate you. They can’t take that. That’s what they’ve got to have. Jamie made him look weak. That’s what he didn’t like.

All she wanted to do was show the Captain what she was like really. He wanted to know all about her, he said. He wanted to see what she was really like. So she tried to show him and see what happened. Jamie saw what he was like too. He saw it right away.

You mustn’t ever tell their secret about how weak they are. They think you don’t see. If you tell them they get mad. Then they really hate you. Then they call you names. That’s what they did in Rochester. But she was telling them the truth. That’s why they said she was sick. They don’t want to hear the truth. If you tell them, they’ll try to do things to you.

Her feet were hurting bad. She should take her shoes off and walk barefoot. Even if it was cold. It would feel good to walk barefoot. She would walk for a while more. Then if she didn’t see the river she should maybe take them off. Maybe she would take everything off.

She remembered when she walked home and it started to rain. It was her new dress. She tried to stand under trees and she felt terrible. She knew she would catch it at home and she did. Her clothes were so soaked it was like she’d been swimming in them. The shoes made squeeze sounds when she walked, and she sat down by the gutter with her new dress and cried and just let the water pour all around her. Then she felt better.

Maybe she should sit down now. No, not here. Not yet.

She put one hand against a sign post and took off one shoe and then the other. That felt better. It felt good to walk on her bare feet.

She’d like to take everything off. Just take everything off. Then somebody’d stop and help her. It’s the clothes that make them think you’re not really there. If she took all her clothes off then they’d see she was really here.

'You’ll never find happiness this way, Lila.' Her mother’s face always came back at times like this. Her little pin-eyes. Her mother was always right. There were only two things that made her happy, being right and thinking about how much better she was than everybody else. If you did something good she didn’t say anything. But if you did something bad, she told you about it, over and over again.

But you’re not doing anything wrong, you know. You’re not hurting anybody and you’re not stealing anything, you know, and still people just hate you for it.

If you really love people they’ll kill you for it. You have to hate them and then pretend you love them. Then they respect you. But what’s the purpose of living if all you can do is hate people and have them hate you? She was so sick and tired of this world where everybody is supposed to hate everybody else.

How could they keep going day after day with all this hate? It never stopped. See, now she was getting into it too. Now they got her going too. That’s how it works. Now they got her into it and she couldn’t get out. She kept trying to get out but she couldn’t get out. There’s nothing left. They took it all away.

They just want to dirty you. That’s what they want to do. Just dirty you so you’ll be like them. Shooting their filth into you and then say, Look, Lila, you’re a whore! You’re a slut!

They just hate it when people make love. And then they’ll go to a fist fight where somebody’s really hurt and all covered with blood and they’ll just love that. Or a war and stuff like that. They’re all mixed up and they’re trying to take it out on you so you get mixed up too. They want to mix you up just like they are and then you’ll be all mixed up too and then they’ll like you. They’ll say, Lila, you’re really good. They’re the ones who’re really crazy. They don’t know you, Lila. Nobody knows you. They’ll never know you! But boy oh boy, do you ever know them!

They’re always so calm afterward. That’s when they start thinking about how to leave you. The minute before they come you’re the Queen of the World but the minute after you’re just garbage.

Like the Captain there. Now he had his fun. Now he just wanted her to go. Now he’s going to take his boat and his money and everything down to Florida and leave her here.