Robert Pirsig - Lila. An Inquiry Into Morals

Lila still had her old address book. She could call up some old friends and maybe they would invite her over and they could talk about things. She could call them up and maybe they would be able to tell her where she could find a good room. They might even let her stay with them for a while. You could never tell.

She saw through the window that across the street the cat was gone.

The trouble with seeing all her old friends again was that she didn’t want to. It didn’t feel good to think about it. She didn’t want to talk to any of them. She wanted to be done with all that. She didn’t want to talk to anybody.

When the waitress came with the drink Lila gave her a big smile and a big thank you. The waitress smiled a little and then went away.

Lila took a sip of her drink. Oh, did that ever taste good!

She looked at the menu to see what to have to eat.

She ought to just get something cheap. The trouble was she was really hungry. Those steaks really looked good. And French fries. With all the calories. She had better be careful. She didn’t want to get into that. She already had too much of that. But it sure sounded good, anyway. She remembered the French fries she made on the boat. Oh, why did she ever tell him anything? She could be making French fries all the way down to Florida if only she had kept her mouth shut.

As she thought about this Lila saw a man’s face staring at her through the window. It startled her for a second. But then she thought, what’s the matter, Lila, you getting scared of men?

He wasn’t bad looking.

She smiled at him…

…He just looked at her. Then he looked away.

Then he looked at her again.

She winked to see what that would do.

He smiled a little bit and then pretended he was reading the menu in the window. She stared down at her own menu but watched out of the corner of her eye.

After a while he moved on. She waited to hear the door open, but it didn’t. He was gone.

She wondered if she said something that made Jamie angry. He was so different this time. Something was wrong. Something had happened to him, and that was why he wouldn’t give his address. He was the kind who didn’t tell you. He didn’t want to hurt your feelings. That was the way he was.

The Captain wouldn’t know anything about that. People like him never do. They just get it off and think they’ve done something big. That’s all they know how to do. That’s why they have to pay. You try to show them something and you just waste your time. They don’t know what you’re doing. The Captain never knew what she tried to do for him. That nerd never would. He probably wouldn’t even pay for the shirts.

She had to stop thinking about him.

The waitress came to take her order but Lila still hadn’t made up her mind. I guess I’m not ready yet, she said. She looked inside her glass. Why don’t you bring me another one of these?

She didn’t want to get boozy, she still had a lot of things to do, but this really felt good. It would be a long time until the next one, she thought.

She didn’t know what she would do next. It seemed like she’d done it all. She didn’t have as much strength any more, or something. She was tired.

Out the window she could see the street was already starting to get old and gray and dark. She wondered where the cat went to that was prowling in the dirt across the street.

She didn’t like the dark.

In Rochester it was even darker, she thought.

Maybe she could just go back to Rochester and get a regular job.

She couldn’t go back. They all hated her there. That’s why they fired her. Because she told them the truth.

Everybody wants to turn you into a servant. And when you won’t be a servant for them then you’re no good. Then you’re bad. No matter how hard you try to please them you’re still no good. You can never serve them enough. They’ve always got to have more. So it doesn’t matter; sooner or later they’re going to hate you no matter what you do.

She shouldn’t have left the Karma. If she just hadn’t got mad at George she’d still be there. On her way to Florida now. In Florida it was lighter. Because it was South. She sure had some happy times there. She’d still get there, but now she’d have to get some money first.

Maybe she could just go and tell the Captain she was sorry and he’d change his mind. She didn’t want to do that. Then she’d have to put up with his nerd talk all the way to Florida. She didn’t want to do that. Besides he already told her she had to get off his boat.

She wondered what he did in New York. She wondered where he was going tonight. He sure didn’t want to take her with him. She didn’t care. She didn’t want to go with him. But she knew why. As soon as any of their wife’s friends are around they get rid of Lila.

Anyway, it didn’t matter.

What was it she wanted to do? It was something but she didn’t know what.

There wasn’t anything she wanted to do. That was the trouble. She didn’t want to have anything more to do with people. She was tired of people. She just wanted to go off somewhere and be by herself and all alone.

The waitress came again. Lila ordered another drink. That wasn’t good. Not on an empty stomach. Her stomach still hurt. She should have taken some Empirin earlier.

Lila reached into her purse to get her Empirin. She couldn’t find them. That was funny. She knew they were right there. Her other pills weren’t there either! She felt around with her hand to find the round plastic bottle. She could always find it by its shape. It wasn’t there.

She poked harder and harder through the lipstick and mirror and cigarettes and Kleenexes.

She didn’t leave them in the boat because she took three this morning. She brought the purse up and looked inside. Then she looked in the other pocket of the purse. But they weren’t there.

Then Lila suddenly knew that the billfold wasn’t inside the purse either. She looked up and felt frightened. Outside the window the street had become darker.

She reached all through everything all over again, all her pockets, everywhere in her purse… but it was gone. It was really gone.

That was all the money she had!

Some other customers were coming in. They looked cold. Lila didn’t see the little old lady waitress. It looked like another waiter had come on duty in her place. He had a bow tie. She didn’t like his looks.

She still couldn’t believe it. How could she lose it? All her money was in there. It couldn’t possibly have dropped out. She had it this morning. She bought the shirts with it. She remembered because she put the receipt in the billfold in case she had to take them back. Now that was gone too.

The new waiter was looking over at her.

She remembered that friend of Jamie’s. He sat next to her. The purse was between them.

It had to be him. She knew there was something wrong about him the way he looked at her. Wait till she told Jamie.

Lila looked down at her glass. It was empty.

She didn’t have Jamie’s new number. He didn’t give it to her. What was she going to do now? She couldn’t even order dinner. She had to stop and think. She couldn’t even think straight. Is that why Jamie didn’t give her his number? So there was no way she could tell him?

So he could set her up?

The waiter came over.

I’m not ready yet, Lila told him.

He gave her a nothing look and went away.

Jamie wouldn’t have done that. When Jamie wanted money he just said so. He didn’t have to steal from her.

It was so hard to think. She wished she hadn’t had these drinks. There was a coin purse inside. He didn’t take that. She took it out and counted it. Two quarters, four nickels, and seven pennies.