Robert Pirsig - Lila. An Inquiry Into Morals

What happened to change her?

I don’t know, Rigel said. I suppose the same thing happens to all of us. She grew up and she discovered the world is not the place we think it is when we are children.

Did you ever have sexual relations with her? Phædrus asked. It was a shot in the dark.

Rigel looked at him with surprise. Then he laughed deprecatingly. Everybody has! he said. You’re no exception in that regard!

Did she become pregnant after that? Phædrus asked.

Rigel shook his head and made a pushing-away motion. No, don’t jump to conclusions like that. That could have been anyone.

They walked on and Phædrus began to feel depressed. This path seemed to go on and on without getting anywhere. We’d better turn around, he said.

He was beginning to feel like the detective at the end of the murder mystery, except that the detective gets a feeling of satisfaction from having finally run some quarry to the ground, and Phædrus wasn’t getting any satisfaction from this at all.

He just really didn’t want to have anything to do with this person any more.

They turned around, and as they walked back Rigel said, There’s still one other question to be taken up.

What’s that?

Lila wants to go back with me.

Now?

Yes.

Where?

To Rochester. I know her family and friends and can get her taken care of.

Taken care of?

Certified.

Oh my God, Phædrus thought. Institutionalized.

A real wave of depression hit.

He just walked for a while, not saying anything because he didn’t want to say anything wrong.

Finally he said, I think that’s an exceptionally poor idea. She’s all right on my boat.

She wants to go back.

Because you talked her into it. Absolutely not!

The last time I talked to her she said she wants to go south, which is where we’re heading.

That isn’t what she wants, Rigel said.

I know what she wants, Phædrus said.

Now Rigel didn’t say anything.

They continued to walk and before long the boats were back in sight again.

Rigel said, I don’t know quite how to tell you this. But you’d better hear it.

Hear what?

Lila said she wants me to take her back to Rochester… He paused. … because you’re trying to kill her.

Phædrus looked at him. This time Rigel looked straight back at him and his nervousness seemed gone. So you see what the problem is, Rigel said.

That’s why I wanted to take this walk with you, Rigel continued. I didn’t expect this when I came down here. I just came to see if everything was all right. But under the circumstances… I rather got you into this… although I certainly tried not to…

I’ll talk to her, Phædrus said.

She’s already transferred her suitcase and other things onto my boat, Rigel said.

Then I’ll talk to her there! Phædrus said.

This was a real disaster coming. But blowing up now would just make it more likely. He got into his dinghy and Rigel let him row ahead. He tied off on his own boat, went aboard, and on the other side crossed over the life-lines to Rigel’s boat before he arrived.

When he looked down below he saw Lila’s poor bruised face looking up at him with a smile. Then the smile disappeared. Maybe she’d thought he was Rigel.

He went down below and sat across from her. Now she looked as nervous as Rigel had been.

Hello, he said.

Hello, she said back.

I hear you want to go back.

She looked down. Guilt. This was the first time he had ever seen her look guilty.

He said, I think that’s a very bad mistake.

She still looked down.

Why are you going back?

Lila looked up and then finally said, I wanted to go with you. You don’t know how bad. But now I’ve changed my mind. There are a lot of things I want to do first.

Phædrus said, There’s nothing but trouble waiting for you back there.

I know that, but they need me.

Who?

My mother and everybody.

He looked at her. Well, he wanted to ask, if they need you so badly then why the hell were you heading south in the first place? But he didn’t ask it. What’s changed? he wanted to ask. Did Rigel put you up to this? Who put you up to this? Do you know what’s going to happen to you back there? Is this some kind of suicide? My God, Lila, you haven’t done one single solitary smart thing since the moment I met you, do you know that? When are you going to start?

But he didn’t say all this. He just sat there like a child at a funeral, watching her.

There was really nothing more he could say. She wanted to go back; there was nothing he could do about it.

You’re absolutely sure? he said.

Lila looked at him for a long time. He waited for a flicker of doubt to appear and waited some more but she just sat there and then she said it so quietly he could hardly hear it… I’m all right… Then he thought for a while longer, wondering, in what he knew would be the last chance, if there was something missing that he should say.

He couldn’t think of anything.

Finally he got up and said, OK.

He climbed up to the deck where Rigel was standing. He said, She wants to go… When are you leaving?

Right now, Rigel said. She wants to leave right away and I think that, under the circumstances, it’s better.

As Phædrus watched him start up his boat’s engine he felt somewhat dumbstruck. He crossed over to his own boat, helped Rigel cast off the lines and then watched with a strange sort of paralysis as Rigel’s boat turned and then headed back north across the bay.

It was going to take a while to get all this sorted out.

An hour ago he was planning to spend the rest of his life taking care of Lila. As of this minute he was never going to see her again. Wham. Wham. Just like that.

His mind felt like the beach out there, all full of old tires and derelict hulls and bleach bottles after the hurricane had passed through.

He guessed what he needed now was some time and silence to get back to where he was before.

All these events seemed to have completely cut off his past. Whatever was, was gone. It was really behind him. The ocean was right here now, just on the other side of this sand barrier. Here, now, this was a whole new life starting. Soon there’d be no trace of his ever having been here.

The boat swung a little in the breeze. It seemed empty now. Silent. He was all alone again. It was as though Lila had never been here…

He supposed he should be overjoyed. He didn’t know why he felt so let down. This was what he wanted. He should be celebrating…

But it was really sad that she had to end it like that. Why did she tell Rigel he was trying to kill her? That was really bad. She knew he wasn’t trying to kill her. Her whole attitude when she talked to him wasn’t the attitude of someone who thought that… Of course he never heard her say he was going to kill her. He just heard Rigel say she said it… But Rigel wouldn’t have lied about something like that. She must have said something of the sort… What made it so sad was it was the first really immoral thing she had done to him in all that time he was with her. Sure, she called a him a lot of bad names and stuff. But that had been more a defense of herself than any overt wickedness. She had just been trying to tell him the truth. But this time she was lying. That’s why she wanted to get out of here so fast.