Robert Pirsig - Lila. An Inquiry Into Morals

The funeral would be a pretense. How are you going to bring someone back to reality when the reality you bring them back to is a deliberate fake? That’s no good. He had never gone along with that fakery in the mental hospital and he was sure it wouldn’t work now. Santa Claus stuff. Sooner or later the lie breaks down… and then what’s your next move?

Phædrus continued to think about it, leaning first one way and then another, until he got to a sign that indicated he was back at Horseshoe Cove.

When the cove came into view his boat was there all right, but another boat was alongside of it, rafted on.

A wave of very un-mystic anxiety came over him.

As he got closer Phædrus saw that it was Rigel’s boat. What a relief. But Rigel was supposed to be going to Connecticut. What was he doing here?

Then Phædrus remembered Lila had said Rigel was coming. How had she known that?

When Phædrus got to the dinghy he set down his tote bags of groceries and began to untie its painter from the steel spike in the log.

Wait! he heard.

He turned and saw Rigel standing on deck of his boat, his hands cupped over his mouth.

I’m coming ashore, Rigel shouted.

Phædrus stopped untying the dinghy. He watched Rigel get down into his boat’s dinghy. He wondered why Rigel didn’t just wait for him to get there.

He watched Rigel row the short distance, looking over his shoulder slowly, his aristocratic features becoming closer and more distinct. He was smiling. When he got the boat beached, Phædrus helped him lift it up onto the sand.

I just thought I’d come ashore and talk for a while with you, Rigel said. His smile was formal, calculated — a lawyer’s smile.

What’s up? Phædrus asked.

Well, first of all I’m here to collect some money, Rigel said. I paid your bill back at the marina.

My God, Phædrus said, I completely forgot about that.

Well, they didn’t, Rigel said, and brought out a receipt from his pocket.

While Phædrus looked at the receipt and fished out his billfold, Rigel said, I gave them a little extra to calm them down. They thought it was some sort of a drug transaction and didn’t want to be involved in it. As soon as you were gone they calmed down and forgot about the whole thing.

That’s good, Phædrus said.

As Phædrus paid him, Rigel asked, What have you been doing?

I’ve just been getting some groceries, Phædrus said, enough to get us to Atlantic City, at least.

Oh, Richard Rigel said. That’s good.

There was a pause and his face became a little tense.

Where’s Bill Capella? Phædrus asked.

He had to go back, Rigel said.

That’s too bad.

Rigel seemed to wait for him to go on talking but somehow he wasn’t in the mood. As neither one of them said anything Rigel seemed to get visibly nervous.

Why don’t we go for a walk for a while, Rigel said, down this path here.

Well, you can if you want, Phædrus said. I just want to get back to the boat. I’ve been going all day.

There are some things I’d like to talk about, Rigel said.

Like what?

Important things.

Rigel had always seemed bothered by something he wasn’t talking about but now it seemed even worse. His verbal language and his body language seemed to go in different directions.

You remember our conversation about Lila back in Kingston?

Yes, Phædrus replied, I remember it well. He tried to say it flatly but it sounded sarcastic anyway.

Since then, Rigel said, what you said has been going round and round in my mind.

Is that right?

I can’t seem to stop thinking about it, and I’d like to talk about it some more and since we can’t very well do that with Lila present, I thought perhaps we could go for a walk.

Phædrus shrugged. He retied the painter of the dinghy to the rusty spike and then with Rigel headed up the path away from the road.

The path in this direction was carpeted with wood shavings, and as they continued walking he saw it changed to a covering of fine black stone. A sign on one side that he hadn’t noticed before said US Interior Dept. The marsh with the old day beacon in it looked the same as before but the white egret was gone.

You remember that you said Lila has quality, Rigel said.

That’s right.

Would you mind telling me just how you came to that conclusion?

Oh, for God’s sake, Phædrus thought. It wasn’t a conclusion, he said. It was a perception.

How did you come to it?

I didn’t "come" to it.

They continued to walk quietly. Rigel’s hands were clenched. He could almost hear wheels going around in his head.

Then he said exasperatedly, What was there to perceive!

The Quality, Phædrus said.

Oh, you’re being ridiculous, Rigel said.

They continued to walk.

Rigel said, Did she tell you something that night? Is that why you think she has Quality? You know she’s mentally ill, don’t you?

Yes.

I just wanted to be sure. I’m never much sure of anything where she’s involved. Did she tell you she’s been chasing me all the way across New York ever since I left Rochester?

No, she didn’t tell me that.

Every damn bar. Every damned restaurant, wherever I turned there was Lila. I told her I didn’t want anything to do with her. That case with Jim was over and I was done with it, but by now I’m sure you know how well she listens.

Phædrus nodded without adding anything.

The reason she came to that bar in Kingston was because she knew I was there. That was no accident, you know, her taking up with you in the bar that night. She saw you were a friend of mine. I tried to warn you but you weren’t listening.

Phædrus remembered now that Lila had asked a lot of questions about Rigel in the bar. That was true.

Then he remembered something else: I was so drunk it’s hard to remember anything that happened, he said, but I vaguely remember one thing. Just as we were crossing the deck of your boat to get to ours I told her to be very quiet, not to make any noise because you were probably sleeping right under the deck. She said, "Where?" and I pointed to the spot and then she picked up her suitcase way up over her head and slammed it down with all her might right on that spot.

I remember that! Rigel said. It was like an explosion!

Why did she do it?

Because I wasn’t having anything more to do with her! Rigel said.

Why was she chasing you?

Oh, that goes back forever.

To the second grade, she said.

Rigel suddenly looked at him with an almost frightened look. Whatever he was so nervous about had something to do with this.

She said she was the only one who was nice to you, Phædrus continued.

That’s not true, Rigel said.

Ahead, overgrown by bushes, was some unidentifiable concrete wreckage, like a modern sculpture growing in weeds. Rusted metal bolts emerged from concrete slabs broken up by goldenrod. It looked like the base of two steel cranes.

She’s different from what she used to be, Rigel said.

You wouldn’t believe it now, but back in grade school Lila Blewitt was the most serene, pleasant-natured girl you could ever meet. That’s why I was so shocked when you said she had "quality." I wondered if you saw something there.