Alison Strobel - The Heart of Memory

She went through the check out, feeling oddly embarrassed with her purchase, then went back to the car with her hat pulled low. Once safe inside, she ripped open a box to read the instructions. Her heart sank when she read that it was better to wait until first thing in the morning. How would she ever make it that long?

She drove home, frustrated and utterly spent from all the activity. After stashing the boxes in her bathroom drawer, she crawled back into bed to try to sleep. But for the first time all week, sleep eluded her. She couldn’t stop thinking about the chance to hold a newborn again.

THE SLAM OF THE DOOR awoke her. She opened one eye to check the clock and sighed; she had just fallen asleep. She pulled the sheet up to her chin and shut her eyes again, but a knock at the door brought them back open. “Come in.”

Jessie appeared in the doorway, looking sheepish. “I woke you up; I’m sorry.”

“No, baby, that’s okay.” Savannah pushed herself upright and winced at the thudding that commenced in her head. “Did you need something?”

“I’m packing for school but can’t find my bedding. I went to the cleaners, thinking it was still there from when we brought it in back in May, but they didn’t have it. Do you know where it is?”

“Bedding, bedding…” Savannah swung her legs off the edge of the bed and stood. “I think I got it when I picked up some of my speaking suits. Let me check the closet.” Jessie followed her in, and Savannah glanced around to make sure there were no traces of her pregnancy test packaging around. The thought brought another to mind: Jessie was in her first real relationship, and while Adam was an upstanding young man, and Jessie herself had a smart head on her shoulders, Savannah knew there was no difference in hormones between them and any other twenty-year-olds.

And with that, Savannah realized in a panic she’d never talked to her daughter about sex. The public school had beaten her to it, and since Jessie hadn’t dated in junior high or high school, Savannah hadn’t seen the point in bringing up such an awkward subject. But now, with Jessie and Adam so serious, and heaven only knew what kind of supervision was going on at the college, Savannah knew she should probably bring it up.

She’d been lucky so far-Jessie had grown up just fine even though Savannah hadn’t been able to spend all the time with her during those years that she’d planned. But who knew what disasters might be avoided if she did the motherly thing and brought up the topic now, uncomfortable as it may be? It had been a long time since she and Jessie had engaged in a good heart-to-heart, and these opportunities came less and less frequently; she should grab this one while she still could.

“So, Jessie,” Savannah began, trying to sound casual as she examined the contents of her closet, “you and Adam are pretty serious, I know… May I ask what the two of you are doing to keep your relationship pure?”

Jessie’s eyes went wide before she sputtered, “What - pure? Oh my gosh, Mom, are you asking if we’re having sex?”

“No, no, no – I’m asking what you’re doing to make sure you don’t have sex.”

“No way, Mom. I am not having this conversation.” Jessie’s face was red. “I totally can’t believe you just went there.”

“Honey, listen, I was dating your father at your age, and I vividly remember wanting-”

“So help me, if you talk to me about having sex with Dad-”

“Good gracious, no!” Savannah was flustered. “I wasn’t going to give any details. I’m just saying I remember the temptation and how difficult it was to handle sometimes, and I wanted to make sure you had a plan in place to handle that temptation when it came your way.”

Jessie’s hands covered her face. “Gross, gross, gross. I cannot believe we’re having this conversation.” Her hands slid down her cheeks. “We’re not gonna have sex, Mom, okay?”

“Alright, honey, I’m glad you’re resolved not to. But listen, if you find yourself struggling you can always come and talk to me, okay?”

Jessie let out a snort. “Yeah, okay.”

“What do you mean, ‘Yeah, okay’?”

Jessie rolled her eyes. “Nothing.”

Savannah pulled the bedding, still in plastic, from the bottom of a pile of off-season clothing. “Not nothing. What?”

Her daughter’s eyes were focused on the striped duvet cover. “No offense, Mom, but you and I don’t really talk about that kind of thing.”

“Well, no, we haven’t-but we haven’t needed to, either.”

“That’s not what-never mind.” She took the bedding from Savannah’s arms. “Thanks for picking this up for me. Sorry I woke you up.”

“Honey, wait,” she said to Jessie’s retreating back. But she was out the door before Savannah could think of what else to say.

Jessie was inching further and further away. It hurt Savannah to see it, though in her heart she knew she was partly to blame. She just wasn’t around enough. She liked to think she was justified, at least somewhat-she did what she did for Jessie and her generation, for the Christian women they would become. They needed good role models, a culture that would allow them to be who God wanted them to be; Savannah was just trying to do her part to provide that for them.

The reasoning rang hollow when she tried to sort it out, so she didn’t often try, and she wasn’t going to attempt it now. Instead, she crawled back into bed and closed her eyes, fighting against the new maternal concerns that blossomed now for Jessie, and wondering who she would go to when she needed to talk.

JESSIE FELT THE FLAMES RISE in her cheeks as she shut herself in her bedroom. Sex was dead last on the list of things she’d ever want to discuss with her mother. Where on earth had that conversation come from? Were her thoughts that plain on her face? She’d never have expected her mother to be able to read her that well. It must just be coincidence. It’s got to be.

Regardless, it gave her that much more incentive to be more careful. Way more careful. The last person she’d want to find her out would be Savannah.

Not that there will be anything else to find out, Jessie reminded herself. Last night had been a total fluke; she and Adam had already agreed it wouldn’t happen again. Had the other couple they’d been doubling with not canceled, they wouldn’t have been alone at the drive-in, and they wouldn’t have started the make-out session that nearly claimed her chastity. It was why they never went out alone, why they limited themselves to holding hands after dark and always crammed a pillow between them when they were sitting together on the couch. Typically the fear of headlines screaming that Savannah Trover’s wanton daughter had gotten pregnant was motivation enough to abstain, but last night her thoughts had been very, very far away from her mother’s reputation.

Angie had fixed that the minute Jessie had called her for advice. “You guys what?! Girl, are you out of your mind? What if you got pregnant? Can you just imagine what that would look like for your mom?”

Jessie hadn’t taken her best friend’s admonishment very well. “Seriously? You’re bringing my mother up? Have you not been my friend for the past fifteen years? Do you really not know that she is the last person I want to think about right now? Thanks a lot, Ang. That’s just why I called you, so you could read me the riot act and make me feel even worse than I already do.”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Jess. Really. I’m just surprised; it’s so not like you to lose control like that.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just that I’m sick of always having to be in control for someone else and not for myself. Maybe I’m really not all that self-controlled. Maybe, if I didn’t have to worry about how someone else would be affected, I’d go totally nuts, be all crazy like that girl in Footloose.”