Alison Strobel - The Heart of Memory

After a catnap she brought her bags upstairs, then sat on the floor of the closet and cut the tags off her new clothes, frowning at each one. When was the last time she’d purchased anything larger than a size 8? Or anything that didn’t say “Dry Clean Only” on the care label? Only her new blue pantsuit required that. Shaun would be glad to know her new wardrobe would need less maintenance. He was so edgy about money these days.

She was craving a piece of strawberry cake. Who would have guessed chocolate would ever be replaced? Yet another little quirk that separated her from her old self. It seemed that every day revealed yet another change that made her stop and wonder, or brought a new thought she never would have come up with before. At this rate she’d be a completely different person by the time her transplant anniversary rolled around. Either that or she’d be committed somewhere as being insane.

These were the weird little things no one told you about when you got a transplant. She didn’t even see people on the forum talking about it. And because of that, she was afraid to bring it up. What if the surgery had triggered something psychological? What if she really was going crazy?

Or what if she truly was becoming another person? Could that really happen? What would that mean for her marriage, her relationship with Jessie? She chuckled to herself as she dropped another tag into the trash. That was the one relationship that might actually benefit from her being someone else. She and Jessie had nowhere to go but up.

But Shaun… he’d married the Old Savannah. He hadn’t banked on that woman waking up one day and being fundamentally different. Could she really expect him to stay with her? Could anyone fault him for wanting out?

She stood and heaved the mound of clothing into the laundry basket, then pulled on her pajamas and crawled into bed. The stories she’d read and heard about transplant patients always made it sound like their lives started fresh after their surgery. No one ever talked about their life falling apart. But that was what was happening. She couldn’t control the changes she was experiencing, and she couldn’t figure out how to go back to being who she was. And she didn’t want this new self any more than Shaun would. So where did that leave her?

SHAUN BRACED HIMSELF AS HE eased open the door and poked his head into the kitchen. It was dark, the sink empty, no smells of food. The tension in his shoulders remained as he cased out the lower level. All was silent, and he suspected Savannah may already be asleep. He heaved a deep breath and went back to the kitchen to fix himself a quick dinner before going to bed himself.

Ever since he’d realized Savannah had added receipts to his doctored reimbursement form, Shaun had lived in perpetual fear, just waiting for the day she’d confront him on it. So far she had not done anything to indicate that she’d noticed, but he wasn’t about to let down his guard. It made him even more reluctant to come home in the evenings, and he’d taken to killing time in the empty office or at the library just to avoid any unnecessary face time.

After dinner, which he ate with one ear listening for signs of life upstairs, he decided to turn in and get up early so he could be out of the house before Savannah awoke. When he went to the closet to get his pajamas, he saw unfamiliar clothes in the laundry basket. He pulled out a few pieces – a plain dark green long-sleeved T-shirt, a pair of cargo pants. It was the kind of clothing he saw on Jessie, not Savannah. They smelled new. She actually bought this stuff?

I wonder how much it all cost…

He tried not to begrudge her the shopping trip. He hadn’t said anything, but she had definitely gained weight thanks to the prednisone, and he knew she wasn’t wearing Jessie’s old clothes these days just for the heck of it. For someone who had always been so careful about her appearance, she was probably really bothered by the weight gain.

Or maybe she wasn’t. Who could predict Savannah’s reaction to anything these days?

At least she’d gone out. She’d been staying awfully close to home lately. He’d almost asked her, twice, why she wasn’t at least going for a walk and getting the exercise her doctor recommended, but he’d stopped himself. He didn’t feel like it was his business – didn’t feel like he knew her well enough anymore to ask questions like that.

It was just one more bit of evidence that Savannah was not who she once was. He’d expected some depression, maybe some anxiety over getting sick. He’d known to watch for exhaustion, for overexertion when she tried to do things she’d been able to do without a problem before. Tammy had prepped them both well for those kinds of changes. But he hadn’t expected her to suddenly turn into some hermit, or to come home from the mall with a wardrobe more suited to camping than to public speaking. He hadn’t expected the loss of grace, both in movement and attitude. The bluntness, the brooding, the lack of focus. Or the anger. Even when she was engaged in a completely neutral activity – eating dinner, brushing her teeth – she had a furrow in her brow and a narrowness in her eyes. People who didn’t know her well probably wouldn’t see it, and he wondered if Marisa had even picked up on it. It was subtle, but clearly evident to him-as was the prickly energy that seemed to emanate from her like radiant heat.

She wasn’t the woman he’d married. It was eerie, like an alien takeover of her body. She looked basically the same, save for the weight and the clothes. But when she talked, it was like a ventriloquist was throwing her voice and putting words in her mouth. When would it stop? When would she go back to being the sparkly, energetic, happy Savannah he’d always loved?

And what would happen if she didn’t?

He didn’t like to think about that, and not just because he’d never imagined being in a place where he’d actually consider a divorce. He didn’t like to think about it because he was scared at how relieved the thought of divorce made him feel.

JESSIE USED TO BE ABLE to sneak home and back to school without anyone knowing she’d been there. Not that she did it often, or really had any reason to – other than avoiding Savannah. But these days it was impossible to stop in undetected. Savannah was always there. Jessie had a feeling she’d spent more time in their house since her transplant than she had all the years before that put together. She didn’t get it. Savannah usually went stir crazy after a day inside. Two solid weeks was unheard of.

She eased her key into the locked front door and turned it as quietly as she could. She winced at the thunk of the deadbolt, then at the sound of the weather stripping on the doorjamb giving up its hold on the door as she gently pushed it open. She had the door closed and was halfway up the stairs before her mother’s voice called out, “Is that you, Jessie?”

She sighed. “Yeah, Mom,” she called back. “Just grabbing a couple things.” Stealth no longer necessary, she jogged up the stairs to her room and began rummaging through her closet, looking for the fall shirts she hadn’t needed until this past week. She found two, but two were missing-her two favorites, in fact. Are they back in the dorm and I just didn’t see them?

She went down to find her mom. Maybe she’d seen them.

Savannah was on the couch, legs crossed as a table for her laptop. She was wearing one of the shirts Jessie had been looking for. “Oh my gosh. You’re wearing my clothes?”

Savannah jumped. “I, um-well, yes. They’re comfortable.”

“I know. That’s why I wear them. But you always said they were unfeminine.”

Was her mother actually blushing? “Well, I just… changed my mind. Besides, nothing of mine fits anymore. I had to buy new clothes but I didn’t want to get too many, in case I figured out how to lose this weight. Your things fit me better.”