Alison Strobel - The Heart of Memory

Jessie let out a snort. “That’s a bit twisted, given how much that ministry short-changed me out of a mom.” She gave Shaun a small grin. “You should have at least given me a sibling so I would have had someone to commiserate with-and someone else to help bear Mom’s expectations.”

“Well, we tried.”

“Eww, Dad. Gross.”

“No, no. I mean, your mom was pregnant, two other times. But she miscarried both times.”

Jessie’s eyes got wide. “Seriously? Why didn’t anyone ever tell me this?”

“Your mom took it really hard. She was absolutely devastated. I don’t think she’s ever really gotten over it.”

Jessie’s face fell. “Well now I feel bad.”

“Don’t, honey. You couldn’t have known. Anyway, that’s when she started writing her first book, to help her process the grief of that second loss. And things just took off from there. It’s not like she woke up one day and thought, ‘I’m going to build a nationally known ministry!’ She just had this idea for a book and wanted to use it to reach out to all the other women who were dealing with the same frustrations and confusions and fears that she had. And when it got bigger and bigger, she had no role model to look to for how to balance a job and motherhood. It just wasn’t done in her family, or in the culture she grew up in. So she did the best she could, and she screwed up, because that’s what parents do. She didn’t want to push you toward teaching and motherhood the way she was pushed, but she went too far in the other direction and tried to push you into a big career so you wouldn’t think teaching and motherhood were your only options. That’s parenthood for you: you learn from the mistakes of your parents and try not to pass those on, but then you end up making other mistakes instead. The best you can do as a kid is recognize your parents aren’t perfect and realize that you do in fact have your own opinion and destiny.”

Jessie was quiet for a moment, stirring her blended mocha with her straw. “So what mistakes did your parents make?”

Shaun chuckled. “My dad was an absent professor type, minus the intellect and education. Frankly, he was a bit of a laughingstock. He’d dream up all sorts of schemes and try to patent them or sell them to companies, rather than apply himself to a steady job. So we were poor and our family was looked down on, and I grew up wanting to make sure my own family never felt like that.”

Jessie smiled. “So, off I’ll go into my own life to screw up my own kids in my own unique way.”

He laughed. “Yes, exactly.”

“Maybe I ought to charge you for the therapy I end up needing.”

“Hey, if the money’s there I’ll gladly pay it.” His heart ached as he said the words, knowing the chances were slim to none that he’d be able to pay for the rest of her semester, much less therapy.

They talked for a while more, but Shaun was only half there, his thoughts having been turned once again to money. He called the Realtor the minute he was back in his car. “I know we had other places on the list to look at,” he said, “but I don’t want to waste any time. I’ll take the Mountain View suite.”

SAVANNAH HAD BEEN HIDING OUT at home for the last few days. She knew it was silly-what were the chances, really, of running into David? – but since she had no real reason to go out anyway, she let herself cater to her irrational fear. But it had been four days already, and even a now-raging introvert had to get out of the house some time. Besides, she needed new clothes.

Once parked at the mall, she cinched one of Shaun’s hats to a smaller size and pulled it low over her eyes, just to be safe. She headed on auto-pilot for Nordstrom’s, then found herself balking as it came into view. She had grown fond of the comfortable long-sleeved T’s and jeans she’d been borrowing from Jessie. The thought of going back to pantsuits made her twitchy.

She found a directory and scanned the list of stores, then found what she wanted and made her way to the next floor. She smiled when the Eddie Bauer came into view. The first rack of women’s clothing she came to had thick wool sweaters that beckoned to her. She went slowly around the store, selecting things on a comfort scale rather than by the look it created. By the time she was ready to check out, she had enough clothing to last her a week.

She got in the line, which was moving slowly; soon there were people behind her. Suddenly she heard, “Savannah Trover? Is that you?”

Every muscle tensed. She turned and saw a woman she thought she recognized from church – what was her name again? “Oh hey, hi there.”

“I thought that was you. How are you feeling?”

“Pretty well, thanks.”

“Oh, I’m so glad. We were all so worried about you when all that heart business happened.” She leaned in and her voice dropped a couple notches. “You know, I heard the other day that things weren’t going so well for you and Shaun. Is everything alright? Is there anything we can do for you?”

Savannah hoped her fear wasn’t plain on her face. She and Shaun were hardly out together anymore; who would have witnessed the way they could occupy close quarters without even interacting? “Not going well? What do you mean?”

“Well…” The woman looked uncomfortable and Savannah’s irritation grew. “I’d heard you were out on the town with someone-”

“Oh, good Lord.” The woman’s eyebrows shot up, but Savannah was too mad to apologize. “I was not out on the town with anyone. I went out to get some dinner, I was by myself, and I got into a conversation with someone because it was more pleasant than sitting alone. That was it. And you can tell whoever you heard that from that they should be more careful about how they talk about other people.”

“Next please.”

Savannah turned her back on the woman and set her clothes on the counter, thoughts spinning. What if Shaun got wind of this? Who else had seen her that night? Colleen wouldn’t have been the one to spread such a rumor – would she? Or was it the work of some busybody who happened to be in the right place at the right time?

She took her bag and headed for her car, her head not even turning to check out the window when she passed Ann Taylor. Divorce rumors – just what they needed. It looked like, one way or another, she was going to be responsible for the downfall of A &A.

She got in her car and pounded a fist on the steering wheel. How could she have been so stupid? What had she been thinking, going out alone like that? She hadn’t dined out alone once since getting married, and this was one of the reasons why. She had to be above reproach for her ministry; she had to get back out there and be as normal as possible so people didn’t get any ideas. It didn’t matter if she thought God was a joke; she had a family to support, employees depending on her to bring in their income, and she had to do whatever it took-like the book tour – to make sure she didn’t let them down.

She heaved a sigh and stashed her bag in the backseat, then headed back to the mall. She was going to need some new pantsuits. And after that she was going home, getting her laptop, and going to a coffee shop to work on her book tour talk. She was going to give her audience what they were expecting, even if it killed her.

SAVANNAH DROPPED HER LAPTOP BAG to the floor and allowed herself to collapse on the couch. Shopping and writing had drained her-yet another reality she never would have expected to encounter. Even though writing had always been difficult, doing it in public had always made it fun, and the conversations that broke up her time were always energizing. And shopping? Once upon a time it had been like a hobby. Now she felt like she could crawl into bed and not come out for a month.