Alison Strobel - The Heart of Memory

He certainly couldn’t go to bed now; he didn’t want to risk running into a steaming Savannah. He woke his computer, planning on returning a few emails he’d been putting off, but when he opened the program his mouth turned to cotton. Another email from her sat in the inbox. Fear won out and he closed the program without looking at the message. That was the last thing he wanted to think about. He’d read it tomorrow.

Maybe.

W HAT’S THAT AXIOM ABOUT THE best-laid plans? Or, even better- Man plans, God laughs. Well, if he’s laughing at this then he’s pretty cruel.

Those were the thoughts in Jessie’s head as Adam drove them back to school Sunday night. The weekend had been an absolute disaster. All her self-analyzing and resolutions aimed at improving things with Savannah had flown right out of her head during their first conversation. It was as though her mouth worked on autopilot. She hadn’t really wanted to fight, but the accusations came almost without her thinking them. Tears of practice, I suppose. An unfortunate form of muscle memory.

She’d kept herself out of sight for the rest of the weekend, spending as much time at Adam’s as she could. They needed the extra hands anyway, and it wasn’t like she was needed at home. Her dad worked most of the time, even on the weekend, and all her mother did was sit around on the computer-a new hobby, apparently. Jessie wondered if Savannah enjoyed the anonymity of internet forums as much as she did. She had actually been really curious about the forum Savannah was on, and would have liked to have talked with her about it. For once they had something in common. But she’d wrecked any chance of that with her opening salvo. Old habits die hard. Another fitting cliché

She’d just finished unpacking when her cell rang. Shaun’s name was on the screen. “Hey, Dad.”

“Hey yourself. Back at school?”

“Yeah, just a bit ago.”

“Didn’t get to see you much this weekend.”

Guilt tugged at her gut. “Yeah, I know. Adam’s family needed some help.”

“Well, I’m glad you could help them out. But I was hoping we’d get a chance to talk. I, um, heard you and your mother had an interesting conversation.”

Her defenses rose. “We talked, yes.”

“Sounds more like you ranted.”

“Seriously? You’re going to judge our whole conversation just from her view? That’s not fair.”

“I don’t really think it matters whose view it’s from, your mother doesn’t deserve to be called self-centered.”

“Even when it’s true?”

“Your mother is not self-centered. She’s focused.”

“Semantics, Dad.”

“Mind your tone, Jessie.”

She winced. “Sorry. But really, Dad, it’s not like I haven’t told you this stuff before. She just… I don’t know. And honestly, I was trying so hard to be agreeable, but it’s like my brain has these ruts from years of us butting heads, and the minute she says something that rubs me the wrong way I fall right into them and can’t get out. I end up arguing even though I don’t want to. Believe me – “ She swallowed back the lump that was forming in her throat. “I don’t want to fight with her. I don’t. And I really do want for us to get along. But it’s like it doesn’t matter what I do; it’s not gonna happen.”

His voice was softer when he spoke. “I understand, sweetheart. And I’m glad to hear that you’re trying and that you want things to change. They will. Change is hard, especially when the old way of doing things is so ingrained. Keep working at it, keep praying for a change of heart-it’ll come.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. And in the meantime, I think an apology would be a good idea.”

Her jaw dropped. “What?”

“You were pretty disrespectful, Jessie. And your mom is having a hard enough time right now.”

“Is she going to apologize to me?”

“Should we only apologize when we’re receiving an apology as well?”

“No, but that’s not the point.”

“Don’t worry about what your mother does or doesn’t do. Just do what you need to do.”

Anger made the tears start. “Yeah, I’ll think about it. Gotta go. Bye.” She ended the call and choked back a sob of frustration. This was not how she’d wanted to end her weekend.

She dialed Angie’s number. “Talk me down.”

“Uh oh. What happened?”

“Mom and I had a fight and Dad is totally taking her side and insisting I apologize, even though she isn’t going to apologize, as usual.”

“Oy. Details?”

Jessie laid out the conversation, sniffing her way through it and hating how hard it was to talk while crying.

“I’m so sorry, Jess,” Angie said when she finished her story. “I totally get why you’re so upset. But I think your dad is right.”

“What?!”

“Put on the big-girl panties and apologize. You know, that whole fifth commandment thing about honoring your parents.”

“I can’t believe you’re siding with my dad.”

“Oh, come on, Jess, you know I’m not siding with anyone. I really do get how angry you are, and I totally agree that your mom was out of line. But seriously, if you’re wanting to make things better with you guys and break out of the pattern you’re stuck in, then this is a good way to do it.”

Jessie rubbed her eyes and sniffed. “I hate it when you’re right.”

Angie chuckled. “Sorry.”

“I just… seriously, I feel like it’s all a lost cause. She’s never going to change. And I know I really tried only once to make things better, but I feel like it’s always going to be an uphill battle and that it’s not going to work in the end anyway, so why keep trying?”

“That’s uncharacteristically pessimistic of you.”

“I know. But I can’t help it.”

“Keep praying about it.”

Jessie sniffed again. “Yeah, I know. Hey, I gotta run. Dinner ends in twenty minutes and I haven’t eaten yet.”

“Okay, keep me posted.”

“Will do.” Jessie ended the call and mopped up her face with a tissue. She knew Angie was right, but she also felt like it was all for naught. It wasn’t like she hadn’t tried in the past to make things better. What had she been thinking? It hadn’t worked then, and she had no reason to think it would work now.

She thought about her life in ten years, about having her own children and what their relationship with Savannah would be like. Would Savannah treat them any differently? If she didn’t change, Jessie didn’t want to subject them to the same kind of subtle and not-so-subtle criticism that she’d lived with. And Savannah’s criticism of her wouldn’t suddenly end – it would just shift from her personal choices to her child-rearing choices. She’d read posts on the mothering forum about how some of those moms had to deal with their own parents butting in when it came to discipline and parenting and how damaging it was, to the point where they’d chosen to limit, or cut out altogether, the time their children spent with their grandparents. Granted, other circumstances were often at play that Jessie didn’t have to worry about-past abuse, mental health issues – but the thought of having the stress and arguments out of her life sure sounded appealing.

Though that would mean Mom was out of my life as well. That wasn’t possible without something extreme happening, and almost losing her mother had shown her she didn’t really want that. But if the expectation of seeing her as often as she currently did was removed, Jessie had a feeling she’d be a lot happier.

Her stomach rumbled. Tossing the tissue to the trash, she rolled off the bed and onto her feet. Out of habit she began to text Adam about meeting her for dinner, then erased the message. Better to eat alone. She had some thinking she had to do.