Miasha: Secret Society

I was on cloud nine. Nothing made me happier than great sex and money, and that’s what O, James, and Tariq were good for. With the three of them, I was having shit my way, and playing the game was giving me more and more of a rush. I couldn’t wait to see what the new year had in store for me. Or maybe I could.

In 2002, Tina and me brought the New Year in together like always. But instead of club and barhoppin’ in Philly, we went to Vegas to hook up with these white guys named Terry and Derrek from L.A. They were some rich-ass investors who Tina met at a Sixers game last season. Khalil got locked up for drug trafficking right around Christmas, shortly after we got back from Jamaica, so she was interested in broadening her horizons. She came to the realization that the type of guys she was used to dealing with would only end up where Khalil was, or dead, and she needed stability.

Terry and Derrek were twins. They looked all right, but they were old and it showed. Derrek was for Tina. He was short, buff, and bald. I called him Mr. Clean behind his back. My dude Terry was similar to Derrek in height, but he was less buff and more flabby, and he was only bald in the middle. Both of them dressed very well, in Italian-made suits, expensive jewelry, and silk and cashmere shit, which compensated for what they lacked in the physical department.

We met up with Terry and Derrek at the MGM Grand Hotel on the strip. They already had a room for us. It was a huge two-bedroom suite on the top floor. Our view was off the hook. We could see the whole strip and at night-it was a sight to see. So many bright lights, fancy cars, and people. Guys and girls filled the streets, walking, driving, or posted up on the strip. It was exciting. Every bone in my body anticipated action. Tina and me were turning so many heads, and if we were selfish and careless bitches we could have jumped in one of them Ferraris quick, right in front of Terry and Derrek. But that wasn’t our steez. And besides, Terry and Derrek gave us no reasons to. They were both filthy rich and had no problem peelin’ off. We were like their trophies, and they kept us polished and lookin’ good. We drank, partied, and fucked a lot, and we even did some shopping at the Venetian. It was fun as hell out there, but when the week was up I was ready to go home. I missed my house. That is, until I got there.

The first thing I noticed when I walked through my front door was the blinking on my answering machine. I checked the caller ID first and saw that James had called me about a thousand times. I told all my dudes that I was going to Vegas with Tina for a few days, so I didn’t know why James blew up my phone. Besides, he was in Houston negotiating a contract with the Rockets. What would he be all pressed to get in touch with me for? I thought.

Most of the messages were short. “Babe, it’s me, holla back,” “Babe, pick up the phone,” “Celess, where you at,” etc., etc., etc. But the last one was long and detailed.

“Celess, what’s up with you? I heard some wild stuff about you. You need to call me as soon as possible, because if what I found out is true you’re goin’ to have some serious problems.”

I called James back on his cell. He answered on the first ring.

“Yo, what’s up?” he whined.

“Hey, baby,” I said. “What’s up?”

“You didn’t get my message?”

“Yeah, what’s up, what hater told you somethin’?” I asked, trying to convince him that it was a lie before even knowing what the hell he was going to tell me.

“Yo, I’m at an NBA party, right, and these broads come over and try to holla at me and this other bull. So the one broad had a fuckin’ Adam’s apple and shit, right? So the bull I was with cursed the broads out. Then he started tellin’ me about these two joons from Philly who be playin’ dudes the same way. They dress and live like women, but they really men.”

I would have liked to have passed out. Fuck! I thought. I was already trying to work up a plan. But before I went jumping to conclusions, I waited for James to finish.

“Then dude said yall names, Tina and Ce-fuckin’less. Yo, say it ain’t so, Celess,” James pleaded.

“What?” I yelled. “A man? That is some insane shit, James. I can’t believe you’re bringing me this high drama!” I was trying to play it off. I didn’t know what else to do.

“But yo right, I started thinking,” James said, “and we never fucked in the light. And you always make me hit it from the back. What? I be puttin’ it in ya ass? And yo, you ain’t never ask me to eat you out or nothin’.”

“If I remember correctly, you told me you didn’t eat pussy!” I shot back at him.

“Yeah, but I tell every joon that and it don’t keep them from asking me to make an exception. Just tell me what the fuck is goin’ on, please.”

James sounded like he was going to cry. I was actually starting to feel bad. I never thought I would have to come clean to anybody before. I thought it would either come down to them finding out during sex and liking it so much that they wouldn’t care, or I would stop dealing with them before they could ever figure it out. Tina didn’t school me to this part of the game. I didn’t know whether to continue denying it or just apologize and beg for his forgiveness. I knew that I would not be able to get away with denying it because as soon as he came back to Philly he would be checking for a penis. So I decided to just tell him the truth.

“Look, James, I’m sorry,” I started out, then I immediately started crying.

“You bitch! You fuckin’ dirty bitch! How the fuck could you do this shit to me, Celess? Is ya fuckin’ name even Celess?”

“James, I’m so sorry. I knew you wouldn’t have got with me if you knew, and I was feeling you,” I whined.

“Bitch, is you crazy? You damn right I wouldn’t have got with you! You a fuckin’ man! I’m not fuckin’ gay! You’s a crazy bitch! You know what yo, don’t fuckin’ call me! If you see me anywhere, don’t fuckin’ say shit to me! If you even fuckin’ look my way I will fuckin’ hurt you! I swear to God!”

Click.

I held the phone to my ear even after James had hung up. I listened to the dial tone while I cried and felt sorry for myself. I knew I should not have done that to James and he was the one who deserved sympathy, but this made me realize that I would never sincerely get what I wanted. I would never be a woman, no matter how dressed up I got or how much makeup I wore or how many hormones I took.

I needed to get out of the house. I needed a drink. I called Tina.

“What? Well, who the fuck told him that? Who in the NBA found out about us?” Tina asked.

We were in her black-on-black GS 400, a gift from her white friend Derrek, on our way to Main Street in Manayunk.

“I don’t know. I didn’t ask him all that,” I said, still crying.

“Girl, wipe your eyes. Don’t be crying over no man. Shit, James was the brokest of the three, anyway,” she said frankly.

“That’s not the point, though, Tina,” I explained. “I really hurt him. He sounded like he was going to cry.”

“Well, you know what, they do it to women all the time, play with their hearts. He’ll get over it.”

“But what you gonna do about Khalil?”

“What about Khalil?”

“You know James is gonna tell him, if he didn’t already,” I explained.

“Khalil is doin’ time. James ain’t gonna be in touch with him for a minute. Especially with James going to the NBA, him and Khalil will probably lose touch.”

Tina had all the answers, but she didn’t understand. Yeah, she’d been dressing up since she was fourteen, but she never been in my or James’s situation before. She never even came close to a guy finding out about her. Hell, when I met her I thought she was a girl. It was ninth grade. We had a class together. She was dressed so fly. I admired her. I was still playing a straight role to a certain extent. I dressed like a regular guy. I acted like a regular guy. But I wasn’t a regular guy on the inside and Tina could sense that. When she told me she was a dude, I flipped out. I didn’t believe her. It came down to her showing me her dick. It wasn’t on some gay shit either, because I was not at all attracted to her. She was too pretty and looked too much like a girl. I wanted to do the same thing she was doing. I wanted to live my life as a girl. I figured it would be much easier on me messing with guys as a girl than as a guy. But now I didn’t know what to think. I felt fucked up.