David Sedaris - Barrel Fever and Other Stories

"What did you do after you lost your job at the cafeteria?" Chastity Bono asked.

And I said, "Nothing, just sort of hung around the house."

Michael Douglas asked what my parents had to say about that, and I said, "Well, you know my parents." And then I realized that no, these celebritiesdidn't know my parents. In my movie,Don's Story, my parents are played by Charles Bronson and Don Rickles. I think they both did a fantastic job especially Don Rickles, who played the part of my mother. Quite a few actresses were eager for that role, but as director I chose Don Rickles not because my mother is funny far from it and not to boost Mr. Rickles's career, but because, ha ha, you put a wig on that guy and he looks just exactly like her. Ha ha. And Charles Bronson what can I say? He's one of the best in the business. And that's the funny thing about show business, that it's a constant learning experience. . for everybody. Last year when those celebrities asked what my parents were like, I had a hard time coming up with the words.

I lost my job at the KandW at the age of twenty-one and for the next fourteen years my parents never, for one moment, let up on me. They were all the time trying to make me feel bad for being myself and not working. If I had a nickel for every time they pounded on my bedroom door screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?" I'd have several million dollars. Well, ha ha, I guess now I do have several million dollars but I would have had it a lot sooner.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?"

And I'd say that I was planning to take Hollywood by storm and they'd yell, "YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND. YOU'RE INSANE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? INSANE. COME OUT OF THAT ROOM AND GET A JOB. YOUR BROTHER HAS A JOB AND HE'S MISSING HIS LEFT HAND IF HE CAN WORK SO CAN YOU. DO YOU HEAR ME? COME OUT OF THAT BEDROOM."

"That must have been very difficult for you," Dr. Joyce Brothers said. And I admitted that, yes, it was. Then someone asked what kind of a lock I had on my bedroom door and Brandon Tartikoff caught my eye and made a cutting gesture against his throat and, ha ha, even though I'd been in Hollywood for less than two hours I knew what that meant, which probably has a lot to do with why I've walked away with tonight's Best Director award. "Cut!" Thanks, Brandon.

I hated saying goodbye to all of my wonderful new show business friends but it was time to go so Brandon led me out the door to our waiting limo. And just as I was settling into the backseat I saw Barbara Streisand turn to Vincent Price and say, "I like that kid. He's a survivor."

So are you, Barbara. So are you.

We left the party and went to a restaurant named Spago, where Brandon and I spent the next several hours talking and eating spaghetti. He seemed so interested in every aspect of my life and was full of questions.

"So tell me, Don, after you left the cafeteria you mean to say you did absolutelynothing for the next fourteen years? God, that's fascinating."

I noticed people at the surrounding tables perk up and try to listen in on our conversation so Brandon had us moved to a private booth.

"What was your day like? When would you wake up?"

I told him I'd usually open my eyes at around one-thirty or two but wouldn't get out of bed until two forty-five, when my mother put on her fluorescent vest and left the house to do volunteer crosswalk service at Brooks Elementary. Then I'd go downstairs and root around the kitchen and watch TV until around four o'clock, when her car would pull up in the drive-way, at which point I'd go back to my room and lock the door and stare at my hands until around five-thirty.

"I noticed your hands," Brandon said. "They're really special. When was the last time you trimmed your fingernails?"

"Nineteen eighty-three, eighty-four."

"Do you everwash your hands?" he asked.

"Maybe," I said. "Maybe not." I wasn't being difficult just mysterious.

Just then the waiter delivered our check and he said, "I noticed your hands the moment you walked in. They're fascinating. Hands tell so much about a person. I think you should get a job here!"

"Back off," Brandon said. "I think Don's had enough restaurant work to last him the rest of his life."

When we got back to the limo Brandon asked if I had a place to stay and when I confessed that I did not he used his car phone and made a reservation at the Beverly Wilshire hotel. Then he said, "So, all right, Don, say it's five-thirty and you've spent the late afternoon looking at your hands. Then what?"

I told him that then my father would come home, from work and, ha ha, Oh, Lord, I could hear him all the way upstairs. "WHERE IS HE? WHAT'S HE DONE TODAY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HIM?" Then he'd look in the refrigerator and start yelling, "GODDAMN HIM. WHERE THE HELL IS THAT LEFTOVER STUFFING FROM LAST NIGHT? GODDAMN IT. HEY YOU UP THERE I'M TALKING TO YOU."

"That's a very funny impersonation," Brandon said. "I mean, I don't know the man from Adam, but I can picture him perfectly. Do more, please."

"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? HERE I'VE GOT A FULL-GROWN SON WHO WON'T FIND A JOB WON'T EVEN LEAVE THE GODDAMNED HOUSE AND COMES DOWN HERE WHEN MY BACK IS TURNED AND EATS MY STUFFING. I WORKED HARD FOR THAT STUFFING. DO YOU HEAR ME? FROM NOW ON THIS KITCHEN IS OFF-LIMITS TO YOU, MISTER. NO MORE FOOD FOR YOU. YOU'LL BE EATING THE INSULATION OUT OF YOUR WALLS BY THE TIME I'M FINISHED WITH YOU, GODDAMN YOU."

Then he'd come pounding on my door and I'd put on my headphones and listen to records in order to drown him out.

"Did you have a big music library?" Brandon asked.

I told him that I had two records, Uriah Heap's "Look at Yourself" and "Don't Look Down" by The Ozark Mountain Daredevils both records I had bought while working at the cafeteria.

"Those are really great records," Brandon said. We arrived at the hotel and checked in to the room, which was, ha ha, really big, with a living room and a bedroom and curtains and a coffee table. I just couldn't get over it. Brandon went over to the bar and poured us a nightcap and said, "All right, Don, so you listen to your records then what?"

I explained that I'd listen to the records until after my parents fell asleep, usually around eleven-thirty or twelve, and then I'd go downstairs and see what I could find for supper. After about 1986 my parents would just cook enough food for the two of them, but I could always find a little something. Sometimes it might be just a couple handfuls of raw macaroni or a half-stick of butter, but it was always something. Then I'd root around for change in my mother's purse or under the sofa cushions.

"Every night?"

"Every night, and over the years it really, ha ha, added up. Then I'd watch TV until the regular programming went off the air and the pattern shows came on. I'd watch maybe a few hours of the pattern to clear my mind and then I'd go to bed and start all over again the next day."

Brandon offered me a lit cigarette and looked down at his nightcap, asking, "Why did you leave, Don? Why?"

I told him I left the day after my father put padlocks on the refrigerator and all the kitchen cabinets. At that point I counted my change, scratched and ripped up every piece of furniture in the house, and walked out the door to meet my destiny.

Brandon shook his head and said, "Don, this story has every thing. "

And I signed a contract that very night. It was just that simple just the way I always thought it would be.

And I'd like to thank Brandon for recognizing my abilities and giving me complete artistic control from casting right on up. I'd like to thank Uriah Heap and The Ozark Mountain Daredevils for providing the musical score. I'd like to thank all the members of the academy for their votes but, most of all I'd like to thank the citizens of this country for making Don's story the number-one top box office draw that it is because, let me tell you, academy or no academy, it is your continuing support, loyalty, and devotion that make this award so heavy and meaningful. Certain people might be watching this broadcast with rage and jealousy certain people who have mistreated and underestimated me are probably wishing they had the chance to take it all back and start over again with a fresh slate but I'm afraid it's too late for that. It's something I wouldn't mind talking about but I see our host off to the side of the stage pointing to his watch and so I'll take that as a hint and say good night, thank you, I love you.