Arthur Golden - Memoirs of a Geisha

After two more years of parties and outings-all the while continuing with my studies and participating in dance performances whenever I could-I made the shift from being an apprentice to being a geisha. This was in the summer of 1938, when I was eighteen years old. We call this change “turning the collar,” because an apprentice wears a red collar while a geisha wears a white one. Though if you were to see an apprentice and a geisha side by side, their collars would be the last thing you’d notice. The apprentice, with her elaborate, long-sleeved kimono and dangling obi, would probably make you think of a Japanese doll, whereas the geisha would look simpler, perhaps, but also more womanly.

The day I turned my collar was one of the happiest days of Mother’s life; or at least, she acted more pleased than I’d ever seen her. I didn’t understand it at the time, but it’s perfectly clear to me now what she was thinking. You see, a geisha, unlike an apprentice, is available to a man for more than just pouring his tea, provided the terms are suitable. Because of my connection with Mameha and my popularity in Gion, my standing was such that Mother had plenty of cause for excitement-excitement being, in Mother’s case, just another word for money.

Since moving to New York I’ve learned what the word “geisha” really means to most Westerners. From time to time at elegant parties, I’ve been introduced to some young woman or other in a splendid dress and jewelry. When she learns I was once a geisha in Kyoto, she forms her mouth into a sort of smile, although the corners don’t turn up quite as they should. She has no idea what to say! And then the burden of conversation falls to the man or woman who has introduced us-because I’ve never really learned much English, even after all these years. Of course, by this time there’s little point even in trying, because this woman is thinking, “My goodness… I’m talking with a prostitute…” A moment later she’s rescued by her escort, a wealthy man a good thirty or forty years older than she is. Well, I often find myself wondering why she can’t sense how much we really have in common. She is a kept woman, you see, and in my day, so was I.

I’m sure there are a great many things I don’t know about these young women in their splendid dresses, but I often have the feeling that without their wealthy husbands or boyfriends, many of them would be struggling to get by and might not have the same proud opinions of themselves. And of course the same thing is true for a first-class geisha. It is all very well for a geisha to go from party to party and be popular with a great many men; but a geisha who wishes to become a star is completely dependent on having a danna . Even Mameha, who became famous on her own because of an advertising campaign, would soon have lost her standing and been just another geisha if the Baron hadn’t covered the expenses to advance her career.

No more than three weeks after I turned my collar, Mother came to me one day while I was eating a quick lunch in the reception room, and sat across the table a long while puffing on her pipe. I’d been reading a magazine, but I stopped out of politeness-even though Mother didn’t seem at first to have much to say to me. After a time she put down her pipe and said, “You shouldn’t eat those yellow pickles. They’ll rot your teeth. Look at what they did to mine.”

It had never occurred to me that Mother believed her stained teeth had anything to do with eating pickles. When she’d finished giving me a good view of her mouth, she picked up her pipe again and took in a puff of smoke.

“Auntie loves yellow pickles, ma’am,” I said, “and her teeth are fine.”

“Who cares if Auntie’s teeth are fine? She doesn’t make money from having a pretty little mouth. Tell the cook not to give them to you. Anyway, I didn’t come here to talk with you about pickles. I came to tell you that this time next month you’ll have a danna .”

“A danna ? But, Mother, I’m only eighteen…”

“Hatsumomo didn’t have a danna until she was twenty. And of course, that didn’t last… You ought to be very pleased.”

“Oh, I am very pleased. But won’t it require a lot of my time to keep a danna happy? Mameha thinks I should establish my reputation first, just for a few years.”

“Mameha! What does she know about business? The next time I want to know when to giggle at a party, I’ll go and ask her.”

Nowadays young girls, even in Japan, are accustomed to jumping up from the table and shouting at their mothers, but in my day we bowed and said, “Yes, ma’am,” and apologized for having been troublesome; and that’s exactly how I responded.

“Leave the business decisions to me,” Mother went on. “Only a fool would pass up an offer like the one Nobu Toshikazu has made.”

My heart nearly stopped when I heard this. I suppose it was obvious that Nobu would one day propose himself as my danna . After all, he’d made an offer for my mizuage several years earlier, and since then had certainly asked for my company more frequently than any other man. I can’t pretend I hadn’t thought of this possibility; but that isn’t to say I’d ever believed it was the course my life would really take. On the day I first met Nobu at the sumo tournament, my almanac reading had been, “A balance of good and bad can open the door to destiny.” Nearly every day since, I’d thought of it in one way or another. Good and bad… well, it was Mameha and Hatsumomo; it was my adoption by Mother and the mizuage that had brought it about; and of course it was the Chairman and Nobu. I don’t mean to suggest I disliked Nobu. Quite the opposite. But to become his mistress would have closed off my life from the Chairman forever.

Mother must have noticed something of the shock I felt at hearing her words-or in any case, she wasn’t pleased at my reaction. But before she could respond we heard a noise in the hallway outside like someone suppressing a cough, and in a moment Hatsumomo stepped into the open doorway. She was holding a bowl of rice, which was very rude of her-she never should have walked away from the table with it. When she’d swallowed, she let out a laugh.

“Mother!” she said. “Are you trying to make me choke?” Apparently she’d been listening to our conversation while she ate her lunch. “So the famous Sayuri is going to have Nobu Toshikazu for her danna ,” she went on. “Isn’t that sweet!”

“If you’ve come here to say something useful, then say it,” Mother told her.

“Yes, I have,” Hatsumomo said gravely, and she came and knelt at the table. “Sayuri-san, you may not realize it, but one of the things that goes on between a geisha and her danna can cause the geisha to become pregnant, do you understand? And a man will become very upset if his mistress gives birth to another man’s child. In your case, you must be especially careful, because Nobu will know at once, if the child should happen to have two arms like the rest of us, that it can’t possibly be his!”

Hatsumomo thought her little joke was very funny.

“Perhaps you should cut off one of your arms, Hatsumomo,” said Mother, “if it will make you as successful as Nobu Toshikazu has been.”

“And probably it would help, too, if my face looked like this!” she said, smiling, and picked up her rice bowl so we could see what was in it. She was eating rice mixed with red adzuki beans and, in a sickening way, it did look like blistered skin.

As the afternoon progressed I began to feel dizzy, with a strange buzzing in my head, and soon made my way to Mameha’s apartment to talk with her. I sat at her table sipping at my chilled barley tea-for we were in the heat of summer-and trying not to let her see how I felt. Reaching the Chairman was the one hope that had motivated me all through my training. If my life would be nothing more than Nobu, and dance recitals, and evening after evening in Gion, I couldn’t think why I had struggled so.