Iris Murdoch - The Book And The Brotherhood

`This must be some sort of awful joke,' said Rose, 'or else a wicked premeditated insult.' She felt angry, she felt cornered. The electrical field, perceptible when he had first entered the room, increased in intensity, surrounded her and made her tremble, almost shake.

Crimond, now a little more relaxed, said in an explanatory tone, 'You know that I am not joking or trying to insult you, A proposal of marriage is not usually regarded as an insult.'

`But – you must be totally out of touch with reality! I can't understand how you can suddenly say this! It can't be any thing to do with me! You must be doing it as a sort of crazy revenge, against Gerard, or against Jean, to hurt them – except you can't – it's something horrible -'

‘Rose,' said Crimond, 'it's not horrible, and it's not any of things you say -'

‘You can't imagine that I could take such a "proposal" seriously! Are you so impertinent – or so naive? I don't know I don't like you. You have wantonly damaged the life and destroyed the happiness of my best friend, whom you appeared to be so madly in love with! And now you come to me this insulting nonsense!'

‘I can imagine,' said Crimond, 'that you may resent the proximity of my relations with your friend -'

‘I don't "resent the proximity" – really, you are outrageous! I cannot interpret you except as false and wicked – there isn't any- any context- which could make what you say otherwise!'

‘You argue well -'

‘I'm not arguing!'

‘What you say, and what you imply, deserves an answer. And this is just what I want to offer you. Of course I was in love with Jean. But my relation with her was animpossibility – we twice tried to live it, and proved it twice impossible.'

‘Because she was married -'

‘No ,that was nothing. Because of the peculiar, the particular, intensity of our relationship. I could explain this at more length-‘

‘Please do not!'

‘We attained an apex – after that we were bound to destroy each other. We both realised it. I was devouring her being and makig her less. And after a time, she would have hated me. It was better to leave it behind as something perfect, and finished with. It was doomed.'

‘So you parted by agreement – it was not just that you left her?’ Rose could not help asking that question. In the midst of her fear and anger she could not help feeling a stirring of curiosity. It was all so extremely unexpected.

Crimond said thoughtfully after a moment, 'Essentially it was mutual. I thought there was a certain solution. I expect she has told you.'

‘She has told me nothing.'

‘I will tell you perhaps later on.'

'Mr Crimond,' said Rose, 'there is no later on. I want you to go away and I won't see you again.'

Crimond ignored this. 'My feeling, my love for Jean nothing to do with what I want to discuss with you. Of course this shock tactic – I admit it is a shock tactic – needs to be talked over, to be understood -'

`I do not know what to think about you,' said Rose. 'I am now again inclined to think you are mad, unbalanced anyway. There is something vulgarly called being on the rebound. I think you are in a state of shock because of the ending – if it is the ending- of your long involvement with Jean. This together perhaps with finishing your book has temporarily unhinged you – this is the most charitable explanation of your tiresome and upsetting approach to me.'

`I did not mean to upset you – or rather I did – but not in an unpleasant way. I have always had a unique feeling for you, a unique sense of your being. Only two women have ever interested me. Jean was one, you are the other. I saw you before I saw Jean. I loved you before I loved Jean – No, let me go on. Of course this was a silent captive love, something inward and abstract. I had at once assumed you to unattainable. Perhaps I was wrong -'

`Really -'

`I had the impression that you liked me. But I had not the courage to speak to you. I never expressed my love in any way. I regretted this later. I regret it now. Much later on I loved Jean, imagining that to be the only real love of which I was capable. Again I was wrong. My love for you had not died in captivity. But I never thought I could release it – until now – when I am brave enough to appear before you and ask you to believe me. Surely you can understand such a thing?'

`Please don't give me these explanations,' said Rose. 'You are half out of your mind because Jean is gone, and you want me to console you because you think you remember something you felt when you were twenty! A proposal of marriage in this situation is senseless.'

`I thought,' said Crimond, looking at her intently, 'that you were then, and are not now, indifferent to me.'

‘I was, I am!'

‘I thought this at our last meeting.'

‘Our last meeting? You mean when I came to your house to find out?’

‘To find out if I was still alive. You were relieved.'

‘Yes, but because of Jean, not because of you! And of course I didn't want to find you dead on the floor. I never cared for you, I find your ideas abhorrent -'

‘Oh my ideas – but my person -'

The word 'person', sounding suddenly so archaic, almost made Rose laugh. 'Your person – are you suggesting -?'

‘I mean my whole being. Look, Rose, don't be angry with me, and please forgive me for the suddenness, the shock – I couldn't do it any other way. We have neither of us been married, nothing prevents us from thinking in these terms. Love has to be awakened. I want to awaken yours. I think you are capable of loving me.'

There was a moment's silence. Rose said, ‘I don't believe this stuff about the past, it's a fantasy, which occurred to you a few days ago, it's part of your own state of'shock, and I'm sure, whether you admit or not, that this visit is really a revenge on Jean, and an attack on Gerard.'

They were silent for a moment, staring at each other across the table. Rose saw her hands trembling, and hid them on her knees.

Crimond murmured, `It isn't so, it isn't so-' He went on, `I felt it necessary to say what I have said. I hope you will, when you reflect, see how utterly serious it is, and must be. Naturally I don't expect any clear response from you now. Let us wait a while and talk of it again. I said at the beginning simply that I wanted to know you better. And I felt in honesty that I couldn’t say just that without saying all the rest as well. But that the rest is said, and I certainly do not and will not unsay it, let us return to that first idea. Please, let us know each other better. That cannot be an offensive idea. I suggest that we meet again in a week orso -'

‘You persist in misunderstanding me,' said Rose, 'and you evidently don't listen to me!'

`Perhaps you find me rather – provincial – but -'

`Oh don't drag that in! If you think it's class -! It's perfectly simple, I don't like you!'

`I don't believe that,' said Crimond, and he flushed and drew back his thin lips to show his teeth. 'As for Gerard, what has he ever given you in return for your caring for him so -?'

Rose stood up and Crimond at once stood too. She was relieved to find herself more eloquently angry. 'How dare you speak like that of Gerard! You're envious of him, you’re spiteful to him and insulting to me. You seem to imagine that I feel friendly, even warmly, towards you – I do not! And what your ridiculous "proposal" amounts to is that after brink madly in love with Jean and wrecking her marriage you suddenly drop her and run to me in order to get your revenge on everybody, and – and you offer – you exhibit – some crazy feeling you have – it certainly isn't love – which consists of spite and vanity and sentimental nostalgia and inferiority complex – people thinking you're "provincial" – and you expect me to console you and – and justify you – oh, and what conceit, to imagine that I once cared for you and still do -'