Iris Murdoch - The Book And The Brotherhood

'Get yourself out,' another voice said.

Can I? she wondered. Her body felt so weak, so beaten, and somehow entangled into the interior of the car limply like it dead snake. Bracing one foot against the dashboard and pulling at the steering wheel she began to arch herself upward She crawled upward, now holding the wheel with one hand and placing the other on the side of the open door. But lit arms were strengthless and she was unable to pull herself up Her head, her head which felt so hurt and strange, she muse aim it at the opening and not think about the pain in her foot. Getting past the steering wheel would be the difficulty. At one moment she felt she was kneeling, then, finding a foothold somewhere, perhaps in the passenger seat, she managed to, extend her left leg and moved upward displacing the driver's seat which suddenly gave way and fell back. Her head and then her arms emerged through the battered hole of the open door, which the torch light was now revealing to tier. Her arms took her weight for a second while her left foot found another quick perch, probably on the steering wheel, and she achieved a sitting position on the edge of the opening and very slowly, using her hands to lift them, pulled first one leg and then the other out of the car.

Crimond, not helping her, was standing a little distance away shining the torch upon her. He said, 'Can you walk?'

Jean half fell to the ground, steadied herself against the car, her hand questing over the twisted red metal so brightly revealed by the light. She thought, I must walk. She took one or two paces. Her right foot was hurting but it was serviceable. The pain in her head, absent while she was scrambling out, had returned. She said, 'Yes.'

'Walk then.' The beam of the torch turned away towords the road and Crimond's figure receded.

Jean, who had been absorbed in nursing herself back to life, cried out,'Oh wait, wait for me, please help me!' She hobbled after him. She could now see, in the ray of the torch, the brown thorny leafless hedge, the gap torn in the hedge, the tarmac beyond, and, as she took another step or two, the lights of Crimond's car revealing the five-barred gate and the end of the stone wall. He had turned his car to come back.

Crimond had leapt through the gap and was standing on the road. He said, 'I am going now. You may do as you please. I shall not see you again.'

Jean screamed. She cried, 'No, no – Crimond, don't leave me – take me with you, forgive me – I couldn't kill you, I love you, I'd die for you, but I couldn't kill you – oh take me home, take me home, you can't go away without me -'

' I mean what I say. You are nothing to me now. Go away, go to hell, it's finished.'

'You didn't mean us to die, you can't have done. I know you didn't, it was just a test, I did what I thought you blunted!'

Crimond began to walk towards his car, visible now in its headlights.

Jean got to the hedge but could not manage to get through it. She limped to the gate, but was unable to open it. Crimond was opening the door of his car.

‘Wait for me, oh my darling, wait, wait, don't leave me!'

You have left me. I have no more use for you. Don't come crawling after me and force me to kick you. It's finished, it's over .Can't you understand that I mean what I say?'

‘Crimond, I love you, you love me, we said our love was forever'

‘It would have been forever. Now it cannot be. Am I not suffering too? You have taken from me the only thing which I desired and which only you could have given me. This failure ends our pact.'

'I'll come with you, I'll come to you tomorrow, there's nothing in the world for me, only you!'

'Don't come near me again, now or tomorrow or in any future time. You are nothing to me now, nothing. Go away, wke your freedom, take your chance. We have already said goodbye, don't you remember? It is finished, you have chosen our way of finishing it. We could have killed each other but you have just succeeded in killing our love. That's what has died. Now go away from me, go anywhere you please, only don't come near me ever again. We are strangers forever, I never want to see you again.'

Crimond got into the car and switched on the engine.

Crying `No! No!' Jean struggled with the gate.

The car shot off back up the hill, then braked and began to turn. Jean, wailing, was fumbling with a ring and a chain.

The car returned down the hill gathering speed and disappeared into the dip. She saw its rear lights again on the hill crest, then nothing. The darkness and the silence resumed, and the moon and the stars reappeared.

Jean had opened the gate and stood upon the road. Shy stood a while; opening her mouth wide, throwing back her head, screaming and crying, tearing at her clothes and her hair and uttering sounds like a wild animal. Then she began to walk. She must get to London, a car would pick her up, Crimond would come back. She became aware of bodily pain and intense cold. Walking was difficult, was more difficult. She wept now, drooping her head, ready at every moment to fall on her knees. She stopped, still sobbing, to stand and look about her. The countryside was dark. No, it was not entirely dark, there was a light, the window of a house, a little way from the road. There was a path. She began to limp along the path. Only when she was quite close to it did she realise that the house was Boyars.

Rose Curtland was asleep. She was dreaming that she and Sinclair were at the Vatican playing three-handed bridge with the Pope. The Pope was uneasy because a fourth person who was expected had failed to come. At last a bell began to ring and they all ran toward the door, only there was a very heavy tapestry covering it which they had to get past. They struggled, almost suffocating, with the tapestry, and then crawled underneath it. They found themselves in a long completely white hall, at the far end of which, in a white robe, and wearing a white wig like a judge, Jenkin Riderhood was on a throne. As she and Sinclair walked slowly and solemnly towards him Rose felt very frightened.

The ringing went on. Rose woke up and realised that the telephone was ringing. She remembered the dream and her fear and felt a new fear now because of' the telephone. She switched on her lamp. It was nearly six o'clock. She got out of bed and ran to the telephone in the hallway, picking it up in the dark.

‘Hello.’

‘Miss Rose – it's Annushka – Mrs Cambus is here.'

'What?,

'I am very sorry to disturb you. Mrs Cambus is here and she want’s to speak to you.'

What's happened?'

After a moment Rose could hear Jean speaking, or rather she could hear Jean sobbing and trying to speak.

Jean, my darling, dear, dear Jean, what is it – oh don't grieve so – what is it, my dear heart – what's happened?'

Jean said at last, 'I want you to go- to see if Crimond – is all right.’

‘Of course I will. But you – are you all right? Dear, dear Jean, don’t cry so, I can't bear it.'

Jean said, trying to control her voice. 'I'm all right. I'm here- Annushka has been so kind – and the doctor -'

'The doctor?'

‘I’m perfectly all right-but I'm afraid – that Crimond may have killed himself-'

‘You've left him,' said Rose.

‘He's left me. But he could kill himself. He could shoot himself. ‘Could you go round -'

‘Yes, of course I will, at once. I'm sure he hasn't killed himself, he's not the sort – but I'll go, and then I'll telephone you. But, Jean, you're hurt, the doctor -?'

‘I've hurt my foot, it's nothing.'

'You stay there, don't move, Annushka will look after you, and when I've seen Crimond I'll drive down straightaway. You just stay there and rest, I'll be with you as soon as I can.’