Jenny Downham: You Against Me

‘It was Christmas Eve,’ he said, ‘and the hotel was laying on a visit from Santa – sleigh ride, reindeer, the works. You remember?’

She nodded, passed it back. He put it on top of the suitcase, picked up a fresh handful from the box and shuffled through them.

‘I didn’t do it to hurt you,’ she said.

He passed her another photo. ‘You on a farm. That horse stood on your foot.’

It was winter again – different country, different year. She was twelve and the horse had broken three of her toes. She barely glanced at it, didn’t take it from him. She had to get through this; she was determined.

‘I had to say what really happened. I couldn’t hold it in any more.’

‘Evidently.’

‘Please say it’s OK.’

‘You want me to say I don’t mind?’ His voice was low, hardly more than a whisper. ‘How do you want me to answer?’

‘I want you to say you understand.’

He stood up, walked over to the window and opened the curtains an inch to look out. ‘You know Dad’s going to hire some top-quality barrister and make you look like a liar.’

‘He told me.’

‘I bet he did.’ He turned from the window and looked at her in such a soft and terrible way that she barely recognized him. ‘The barrister will ask you really personal stuff. He’ll want to know everything you did with Karyn’s brother and every word that passed between you. He’ll say her brother threatened you, and if you say he didn’t, the barrister will say he seduced you and you’re completely gullible. And if you say that’s not how it was either, then you’ll leave him no option but to make out you’re a slut and a liar.’

‘Dad said that too.’

He shook his head. ‘I don’t want them to do that to you.’

‘Then don’t let them.’

‘There’s only one way to stop them though, isn’t there?’

She nodded.

He watched her steadily for a second, as if he was weighing it up. ‘I’m not brave enough.’

She went over and hugged him. He smelled of cigarettes and her arms reached all the way round. She closed her eyes and held him, and eventually he put his arms round her too.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I’m so sorry.’

She held him closer. ‘It’s OK. Whatever you do, I’ll always love you.’

The rough brush of his skin on her cheek was shocking as he buried himself in her shoulder and a great sob welled up from deep inside him.

‘I’m scared,’ he said. ‘I’m really fucking scared!’

She held him closer as he cried, huge sobs racking through him, like a child. She was crying too now, to be with him like this. She stroked his back. They stood swaying together. Her brother, her beautiful crying brother.

The door opened. ‘What the hell’s going on?’

Tom pulled away, wiped his hands quickly over his face. ‘Nothing. We’re saying goodbye.’

Dad strode across the room. ‘What have you done to him? What did I tell you about coming in here?’ He gripped Tom’s shoulders and made him look at him. ‘You have to be stronger than this.’

Tom winced under his scrutiny. ‘I can’t do it to her, Dad.’

‘You can. You have to.’

He shook his head. ‘You said yourself, it’ll be terrible. You said they’ll break her apart.’

‘Nonsense, it won’t be like that at all.’

‘You said they’ll make her stand in front of everyone and ask her really personal questions.’

Dad grimaced, turned to Ellie and pointed at the door. ‘Go to your room, Eleanor.’

She didn’t move. Tom stood looking from one to the other, fresh tears sliding down his face. It was as if he’d been punctured, losing air and energy. ‘Really, Dad, I can’t do it. I shouldn’t’ve done any of it. It’s all my fault.’

‘So, you’re going to plead guilty, are you?’ Dad dragged him to the bed and made him sit down. ‘You’ll get three or four years in prison, you’ll be on the sex offenders register and come out as a convicted rapist. Is that what you want?’

‘No, but I don’t want this either.’

Dad got a hanky from his pocket and shoved it at him. ‘It’s a ridiculous step to plead guilty, when the conviction rate is so low. You have every chance of getting off.’

Tom listened so hard he forgot to breathe. He listened with every fibre, like he was falling from a mountain and Dad was yelling survival instructions.

‘This new statement means nothing,’ Dad went on, ‘not really, the police said as much. There’s no physical evidence, is there? No photos or videos, or texts, only her word against yours. The incentives for you to plead guilty are non-existent.’

He talked statistics and attrition rates and made everything seem so polarized – two foolish girls, one misunderstood boy. Tom made the occasional effort to struggle against it, but the simplicity of Dad’s argument was overwhelming. In court, the barrister would discredit both girls. Karyn wanted to sleep with Tom and regretted it later. Ellie was love-struck by Mikey and would do anything for him. Karyn got drunk and partied too hard. Ellie got seduced and betrayed her family.

There was a hush in the room when Dad finally ran out of words. Ellie noticed a change in herself too, as if her mind had been washed. She felt very cold and still inside.

‘Eleanor?’ Dad whispered into the silence. ‘I told you to leave.’

She nodded goodbye to Tom and he nodded back at her, like polite strangers bidding farewell in a hotel lobby. She closed the door very gently behind her.

Mikey threw a stone. It missed Ellie’s bedroom window, hit the drainpipe and ricocheted off into a bush. He wasn’t giving up though, not until he’d spoken to her.

He found another stone and lobbed that. It clipped the edge of the window. He waited, crouching on the grass in the quiet garden. But nothing moved. Nothing happened. He rooted around, found a bigger stone and swung his arm back.

The door was yanked open.

Shit! Not Ellie, but her mum. ‘What on earth are you doing?’

‘Is Ellie in?’

Her mum stepped out onto the porch in her dressing gown and slippers. ‘Are you throwing stones at my windows?’

‘They didn’t break.’

‘That’s hardly the point.’

‘Is she in?’

‘Have you heard of a telephone?’

‘She doesn’t pick up.’

‘And what does that tell you?’

It told him Ellie was unhappy, same as he was. It told him they needed to speak.

Her mum folded her arms at him. ‘How did you get in? If you climbed our gate, that’s trespass.’

‘I just want to see her.’

‘And throwing stones at windows is criminal damage, so I suggest you leave before I call the police.’

Behind her, on the floor at the bottom of the stairs, was a black leather briefcase that gleamed. Maybe Ellie’s dad had an early morning visit to the barrister planned. They had a good one, Karyn said; a famous one who never lost a case. Police, fathers, barristers – they weren’t going to put him off.

He took a step back to check out the top-floor windows. ‘Ellie!’ he yelled.

‘Stop it,’ her mum hissed, ‘or I’ll get my husband.’

‘Ellie!’

‘I mean it, stop it now!’

It was a total shock when Ellie appeared in the doorway, suddenly there, behind her mother. She was in her pyjamas. She looked knackered, her eyes bruised with tiredness. He wanted to pick her up and carry her to safety.

She said, ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I had to see you.’

‘Has something happened?’

Her mum barred the door with her arm. ‘Inside!’

Ellie ignored her. ‘Is Karyn OK?’

‘We have to talk.’

Her mum tried to nudge her. ‘Dad’s only in the shower. If he comes down, there’ll be hell to pay.’