Jenny Downham: You Against Me

‘I want to save you from being destroyed in court, that’s why I’m being tough.’

This is my father. I am his child. He loves me .

‘Tom’s only hope is to undermine your evidence, and given that you have no physical evidence, it comes down to your word against his. Do you understand?’

She nodded. The police had said the same thing. Though they’d also said, What you’re doing is very brave and Karyn McKenzie will be very grateful .

Dad said, ‘In order to give Tom his best chance, I have to get him a brilliant barrister. And if I get him a brilliant barrister, you’ll be torn apart. There’s a last opportunity here, Ellie, and that’s why I’m coming down hard on you. I want you to cast your mind back carefully over everything this Mikey boy said and did, and if there’s anything that might be construed as overly persuasive, I want you to tell me.’

‘Overly persuasive?’

Annoyance crossed his face. ‘Has he threatened you?’

‘No.’

‘Has he blackmailed you? Has he got pictures of you on his phone for instance, or taken something of yours that you want back?’

‘No.’

‘Are you sure? Because if he has, we can get this whole thing turned right around. We can say he made you go to the police and told you what to say in order to protect his sister. We can say your original statement was true and this new one is false.’

She’d seen this look in her father’s eyes so many times – like he knew everything, could read minds, predict the future and was absolutely right in all respects. She swallowed hard and steeled herself against it.

‘He didn’t threaten me, Dad. He’s not blackmailing me and the new statement is true.’

He threw his hands up in despair. ‘Well, there’s nothing I can do for you then, is there? It’s going to be your word against your brother’s and I can tell you now, I won’t stand by and watch him rot in jail.’

‘What’s going on?’ Mum stood in the doorway.

Dad shot her a look of utter frustration. ‘Nothing. I’m going to get the car out of the garage.’

She moved to one side to let him pass, waited for the front door to shut, then plonked herself on the sofa with a sigh. ‘Am I a terrible mother?’

‘No, Mum.’

‘Tom might think so.’

‘He doesn’t.’

She smiled sadly. ‘Maybe I’m just a terrible wife then.’

Her temperature had changed. She was colder since going upstairs and Ellie could feel the difference between their hands.

‘Your father’s been very thorough,’ Mum said. ‘Even in here. I didn’t notice him packing those CDs away, did you?’

She nodded over at the spaces in the rack. There were gaps in the DVD collection too, rifts in the bookshelf, like teeth had been removed all over the lounge.

‘Tom won’t be away for long,’ Ellie whispered. ‘He’ll come back soon.’

‘Well, I hope Ben’s mother doesn’t think we’re crazy sending him there with so many things. I hope she realizes your father simply wants him to feel secure.’ Mum stroked Ellie’s hand absentmindedly. ‘There isn’t really an alternative, not if we want him to be nearby. He could stay in a hotel, I suppose, but what sort of life is that? He’d be lonely in a hotel, wouldn’t he?’

Over and over she stroked, in the same spot with her thumb. It was uncomfortable, as if she’d rasp down to the bone.

‘Anyway,’ Mum said, ‘he’s getting his last few things together up there, so I’ll make him some sandwiches in a minute and he can eat them in the car. I don’t want them saying we sent him away hungry.’

‘Mum?’

‘Perhaps I should pack him some snacks for later, some crisps and things. Then it would be like he was going on a sleepover.’ She smiled as if she didn’t really believe it. ‘I spoke to Ben’s mother on the phone – did I tell you? She was very reassuring. She’s a nice woman actually, I thought that when I met her at the party – we were chatting most of the night. Anyway, Dad’s going to give them money, so they won’t be out of pocket. It helps that they live out of town, I suppose, makes it less daunting for them. Your father thinks there may be media attention when the court case starts, and I’d hate them to feel awkward.’

‘Mum, are you OK?’

She took a breath in and held it, blinked several times. ‘You know, I can’t help thinking that if we’d stayed in London, this wouldn’t’ve happened.’

Ellie passed her a tissue and watched silently as she dabbed at her face.

‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to get upset.’ She leaned forward, gripping her stomach as if it hurt. ‘He seemed so vulnerable up there, packing his things away. I looked at him and I thought, How could he harm anyone? He’s just a boy .’ She stared at the carpet, at her feet, still in her gardening shoes from earlier. Scuffed old familiar garden shoes. ‘I still remember his first steps, his first words, all of it.’

Ellie passed her another tissue. ‘Here.’

‘He had such beautiful golden curls. You won’t remember of course, you weren’t born, but they were stunning.’ She wiped her face roughly with the tissue. ‘Oh God, I want to be stronger than this. I don’t want him to see me like this when he comes down.’ She turned to Ellie suddenly, as if seeing her for the first time. ‘I know you love him and I know you wouldn’t have done this if you didn’t have to, but he’s not a monster, Ellie. I don’t want anyone thinking that.’

‘I know.’

‘He’s just a scared little boy. He’s my scared little boy.’

Ellie nodded very slowly. ‘I don’t want anything bad to happen to him either.’

‘I know you don’t.’

‘Maybe I handled this all wrong, but what I said in the police station was true. It is what I saw, Mum, it truly is.’

She nodded, patted Ellie’s hand again. ‘Well, that’s all right then.’

Dad marched back in. ‘I’m going to start packing the car.’

‘You do that,’ Mum said, smiling through tears at him. ‘I’ll go and make some sandwiches.’

He frowned at her, but she went off to the kitchen before he could say anything, so he frowned at Ellie instead.

‘You should go to your room,’ he told her. ‘You shouldn’t be here when Tom comes down.’

‘Can’t I say goodbye?’

‘No, you’re a witness for the police. If your brother so much as speaks a word to you, you could twist it and say he tried to pressurize you. He’d have his bail revoked and be back in jail quicker than I could spit.’

‘I wouldn’t do that.’

‘Wouldn’t you? I don’t know what you’re capable of any more.’

She crept up the stairs, holding on tight to the banister. Across the landing, Tom’s door was shut. She went to the bathroom and rinsed her face, dried it at the mirror. It was the first time she’d seen herself for hours. She looked tired and older. She rubbed her face to check she was real. Yes, she was Ellie Parker, the girl who betrayed her family.

Maybe Dad was right and she was capable of anything.

She didn’t knock, simply opened Tom’s bedroom door and went in. He was sprawled on the bed, sorting through stuff in a shoebox; photos and bits of paper were scattered all over the duvet. There was a new darkness in his eyes, like something inside him had broken and spilled.

‘Shut the door,’ he said.

She stood with her back against it and watched him sift through photos. He glanced at several quickly, stopped at one and examined it thoroughly before passing it to her. ‘Remember this?’

It was the four of them in Austria on a skiing holiday. Ellie was about ten, wearing the whole outfit – salopettes, goggles, everything. Tom was next to her. Both of them had massive grins on their faces.