Jenny Downham - You Against Me

The light left Ellie’s face. ‘Why did you do that?’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. Jacko told her we were seeing each other and she went mad and I got mad back and it just came out.’

‘Oh.’

‘And that’s not all. I’m sorry, but she knows you lied in your police statement.’

Ellie covered her face with her hands and collapsed backwards onto the grass. ‘Oh,’ she said again, but quieter this time.

He wanted to touch her, to take her hands from her face and kiss her. But he didn’t know if that was the right thing to do, so instead he lay down next to her and told her the whole story, from the moment he got home last night, to the moment he took the call from his mum half an hour ago. He tried to make it less dramatic, tried to find spaces in it where it didn’t sound important, but when he got to the bit about the cops wanting to haul Ellie in, there was no hiding.

‘They might come to the school,’ he said. ‘That’s why I had to find you. My mum wasn’t sure if they’d go to your house or come straight here.’

Ellie lay completely still, only her belly moving up and down.

He said, ‘Why aren’t you saying anything?’

From behind her hands she whispered, ‘You tricked me after all.’

‘I didn’t tell Karyn on purpose!’

‘You and me at the cottage – I absolutely fell for it.’

‘No, Ellie, this isn’t part of some plan to get information out of you. Yesterday was real. You have to believe me.’

‘I have to?’ She sat up. She looked different, harder. ‘Do you know how it feels to have no one you can trust?’

‘I didn’t trick you.’

‘So you say. Let’s look at the evidence, shall we? At the beginning you got to know me on purpose, so you could find stuff out about my brother. Then, when I discovered who you were, you did your big Oh no, you can trust me, I really like you speech and I fell for it. I did tell you stuff, and as soon as you heard it, you ran to Karyn with the details. Bit suspicious, wouldn’t you say?’ She narrowed her eyes at him. ‘You’re the world’s biggest trickster.’

‘You’re paranoid. I could just as easily say you’ve been tricking me.’

‘What! How did I trick you? That makes no sense.’

‘Maybe you wanted me to tell Karyn. Maybe you didn’t have the guts to tell the truth to the cops yourself, and now you can tell Mummy and Daddy that the scary boy from the housing estate forced it out of you.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous!’

‘I might be wrong.’

‘Yeah, you might be!’ She stood up. ‘I have to go.’ She took a couple of steps up the slope, then turned back to him. ‘I actually thought you liked me – isn’t that mad?’

‘I do like you. Blame me if you want, tell me I’m a total tosser, but don’t tell me I don’t like you. I really like you, Ellie.’

She smiled, a small glimmer of warmth. ‘Liar.’

‘Truth.’

She sank to the grass. ‘Are they going to arrest me?’

‘I don’t know. They probably just want to talk to you.’

She buried her face in her knees. He went and sat next to her, stroked her hair, wanted her to know he was sorry.

‘Don’t.’

‘Please, Ellie.’

‘No.’ She pushed him away. ‘I’m thinking. Leave me alone.’

Above them, the trees were beginning to do their thing. All the leaves looked like mouths about to open.

‘I’ve got Jacko’s car,’ he said. ‘I could drive us somewhere.’

She didn’t say anything.

‘We could disappear.’ It was a brilliant idea. The shit would hit the fan later – with Karyn, Mum, just about everyone in fact, and Jacko would be pissed off about the car – but it would make today easier. ‘We could hide out at your grandparents’ place.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

‘I’ve got money. We can buy food, loads of it, and go and live there for a while.’

‘No.’

‘Think about it, Ellie – just until the worst is over.’

‘Are you insane?’ She took her hands away from her face. ‘It isn’t going to be over , don’t you get it? Someone’s family’s going to be ruined – yours or mine, that’s the choice. We can’t run away. This is real life, Mikey!’

She sounded like she was talking to a kid, or someone stupid from another planet. He hated that.

She lay back on the grass and covered her face with her arm. He got out his tobacco, made a rollie and lay next to her. They were quiet for ages. He wondered if she was coming up with some clever plan, or maybe she was considering the running-away idea. It’d be good holing up in that cottage. They could stay there for weeks, making fires, talking, touching.

When he’d finished smoking, he nudged her with his elbow, very gently. ‘How you doing?’

‘My bones hurt.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘And everything’s gone very bright and light, like I’m floating.’

‘Maybe you’re in shock.’

He leaned over and kissed her neck.

‘Don’t,’ she said.

‘Don’t what?’

‘Don’t do that.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because we only met six times and now it’s over.’

‘Seven, and it’s not over.’

She looked at him desperately. ‘I don’t want it to end.’

‘Neither do I.’ He took her hand. ‘I’m sorry I told Karyn. I completely fucked up. But it doesn’t have to end.’

She blinked at him. ‘I think it does.’

He leaned over and kissed the tip of her nose. Very softly. Three times. She didn’t stop him. He rolled her onto him and held her there. She gave him her weight, tucked her chin into his neck, so they were warm and tangled. It was sunny, maybe the warmest day of the year so far. Shadows lengthened across the grass as Monday lunchtime turned into Monday afternoon.

‘What will they do to me?’ she said eventually.

‘Talk to you, that’s all.’

‘Where?’

‘At the police station.’

‘What will I tell them?’

‘The truth.’

‘I want to speak to my mum.’ She rolled off, picked up her coat and bag. ‘My dad won’t be home from work yet.’

‘I’ll take you.’

‘No, I’ll walk. I need time to get used to the idea.’

‘Ellie, you don’t have to do this by yourself.’

She smiled wearily at him. ‘Go back to work, Mikey, I don’t want you to lose your job as well. I’ll walk along the river, so no one sees me. Don’t worry, I can follow it all the way home.’

He walked with her down to the path. It was cooler closer to the water. There were some ducks. A swan curved its neck down to feed. They stopped to watch.

After a few moments, Ellie took a breath and turned to him. ‘Can I have a hug goodbye?’

He held out his arms and she gave him a strange half-hug. It was clumsy and sad and not what he thought was going to happen at all.

‘I’m going,’ she said, ‘before I change my mind.’

He looked for fear in her eyes, but it seemed to have gone, replaced by a strange calm.

Ellie walked up from the river, through the gate and across the lawn. Her mum was kneeling on a bit of old blanket, pushing a trowel into the flowerbeds.

Tell her, tell her, you have to tell her.

She sat back on her heels when she saw Ellie. ‘You’re home early.’ She wiped the sweat away from her forehead with her sleeve. Her gloves were all muddy and she had bits of leaf in her hair. ‘Or have I lost track of time? I’ve been out here most of the day and it’s been fantastic. Feels like summer now, wouldn’t you say? Look at all these green shoots thrusting up.’

Ellie feigned interest, because this would please her mum, because it would delay things, because words were hard to find.