Jenny Downham - You Against Me

‘I can’t help it, it’s as simple as that. I can’t do anything to stop it.’ He took a breath. ‘Like you can’t help being addicted to your car.’

Jacko frowned. ‘She’s like a car?’

‘No, man. She’s – I dunno…’ He ran a hand through his hair, tried to think exactly what it was that Ellie did to him. It felt important to get it right. ‘She shines.’

‘Like a car?’

‘Stop taking the piss.’ He sat on the bench and looked Jacko in the eye. ‘When I was growing up, I had this fantasy of a perfect girl. She never really had a face, but she had a great body and she liked everything about me.’ He felt himself flush, but knew it was important to carry on. ‘When I first saw Ellie, I knew it was her – she was my fantasy. I didn’t want it to be true, but every time I met her it was obvious, and the funny thing was that she was better than the fantasy, like I got more stuff than I’d imagined.’

Jacko blew smoke out in a long thin line towards the harbour. ‘Like what?’

He listed them on his fingers. ‘She makes me laugh, she knows stuff, she listens. She surprises me, you know – like, she can be calm one minute, then totally out there the next? What else? She’s drop-dead gorgeous, she’s a mystery. I dunno, man, this sounds like bollocks.’

Jacko’s eyes softened slightly, and Mikey dared to carry on.

‘I thought I could keep away from her, but I couldn’t. Whenever I wasn’t with her, I’d think about her. I tried fancying other girls, and couldn’t. I mean, I’d literally walk down the street and try and imagine other girls naked and it didn’t do it for me, I didn’t want them. And when I thought Ellie set me up for a kicking and when I didn’t see her for ages and thought she didn’t care, I went nuts. I didn’t want to get up, or go to work or anything, and I’m sorry about that, mate, I can see how crap it was for you, but I was terrified I’d never see her again. I like her that much.’

There, he’d said it out loud and Jacko could think what he wanted. But instead of yelling at him, or taking the piss, Jacko grinned. ‘Thank God for that.’

‘What?’

‘That’s the first time you’ve told me the truth in weeks.’ He reached into his pocket and pulled out the car keys. ‘Here. Don’t scratch it and don’t say I never do anything for you.’ Their fingers touched; Jacko didn’t let go of the keys. ‘I’m here for you, man. I’ve always been here for you, it’s just you stopped knowing it.’

Mikey threw an arm round him and gave him a thump on the back. It was exactly the right thing to do, he could tell by Jacko’s smile. ‘Tell Dex I’m sorry.’

‘You’re going to have to do that yourself.’ Jacko nodded towards the entrance to the car park, where Dex was striding over. He looked weird outside, with his apron flapping in the wind.

‘You need to come back inside,’ he called. ‘Both of you, now. Sue’s on the warpath.’

Mikey couldn’t look at him as he got close. He took off his own apron and passed it to Jacko, put the keys in his pocket.

‘The car’s round the back,’ Jacko said, ‘in the yard.’

Dex put his hands on his hips. The disappointment in his eyes was horrible. ‘Where are you going, Mikey?’

‘I’m really sorry.’

‘If you leave again, I can’t help you.’

‘I know.’

‘It’s urgent,’ Jacko said. ‘I’ll cover for him. You won’t even notice he’s gone.’

‘No,’ Dex said. ‘If he goes now, that’s it, there’s nothing I can do.’

He had a wooden spoon in his hand, some kind of paste clinging to it in a sticky lump. And, weirdly, it was the spoon that was hard to turn away from.

It was crazy, Mikey thought, the things your body could do when you didn’t want it to. The heat spreading from chest to face to eyes, blood racing, the mad adrenalin surge. Even his voice became hoarse and faltering as he saw Ellie through the school fence and called her over.

She frowned at him like maybe it was a trick, then picked up her bag and walked towards him. Just looking at her hurt.

She said, ‘Aren’t you supposed to be at work?’

‘I bunked it. I had to speak to you.’

‘Is everything OK?’

‘I tried calling. I sent you loads of texts.’

‘My dad took my phone.’ She laced her fingers through the metal loops of the fence. She looked ashamed. He hated her family for that. None of this was her fault.

‘Can you get out?’

‘The bell’s gone and I’ve got a Maths revision class.’

‘It’s important. Just for a few minutes?’

‘I don’t know.’ She glanced around at the kids retreating back into school, at the teacher at the gate herding stragglers in. ‘I’m trying not to get into any more trouble.’

He felt suddenly knackered. All these kids walking across the playground and back into school; soon they’d be whispering about this, nudging each other, laughing at Ellie. He felt the aching sadness of that.

‘Five minutes, Ellie, please. Come and sit by the river with me. Ten minutes max, I promise.’

‘You’re going to hate me when you know what a coward I was last night.’

‘I told you yesterday, I’ll never hate you.’

She smiled. ‘You always make me feel better, you know that?’

She walked to the gate, and he followed along the pavement on his side of the fence. A woman walked past with a baby twisting in her arms. Somewhere a bird sang. Everyday things. There was a teacher at the entrance, ‘Come on, come on,’ he yelled as the last few kids made it through. ‘Move yourselves, or you’re going to be late.’

Mikey shivered. He hated all this – the rules, the adults bellowing, timetables and places to be. It narrowed everything down.

Ellie tried to sidle past the guy, but he stuck his arm out, blocking her way. ‘Wrong direction.’

‘It’s important,’ Ellie said. ‘And my tutor said it was OK.’

He frowned down at her. ‘Do you have a permission slip?’

‘He forgot to give me one.’

‘Then turn round, please, and go straight to class.’

Ellie folded her arms. ‘There are urgent and personal reasons why I need to leave and my tutor is fully aware of them. I’m sixteen, so it’s not statutory that I remain on site and I believe you may be contravening my human rights by not allowing me out.’

Mikey was stunned. She gave the guy her name and tutor group and he simply opened the gate.

‘That was cool,’ Mikey said as she joined him on the pavement. ‘I thought you said you weren’t brave?’

‘I’ll be in trouble later, wait and see.’ She smiled at him. ‘You know, however hard I try to be good, it always goes wrong.’

They threaded hands as they crossed the bridge. It was fantastic to touch her.

‘I can’t be long,’ she said. ‘Serious, I shouldn’t be. I promised myself I’d revise today.’

He didn’t fancy explaining why she actually wouldn’t be going back, but he managed to persuade her to step over the railings and walk with him down the grassy slope to the river. It looked dark, lots of green stuff swishing about in it and trees hanging overhead. The slope was dappled with shadow and patches of sun.

‘Let’s sit here for a bit,’ he said.

It was hidden from the school, hidden from the road. At least if the cops came, they wouldn’t see her down here.

‘So,’ she said. ‘What’s happened now?’

He reached for her hand again and clasped it, like he could take care of her in a small way, even though he was about to hurt her masses.

‘You’re not going to like it.’

‘Just tell me.’

He shook his head, couldn’t believe he was about to say this, was sure the whole town took a pause – all the cars and TVs, all the people, everything still and listening. ‘I told Karyn what you said yesterday about not being a witness for your brother.’