Jenny Downham - You Against Me

‘Anyway,’ Jacko said, ‘as a mark of how brave you are, I bought you something.’ He rummaged in the carrier bag he’d brought in from the car and pulled out a tin of Quality Street. Mikey knew they were from Lidl – he’d seen the offer, two for the price of one. He wondered what Jacko had done with the other tin.

The way Karyn grinned, you’d think he’d bought her an iPod. She looked right at Mikey with a why don’t you ever do anything nice for me? face as she peeled the sellotape from around the edge of the tin, opened it up and stuck her face right in there to sniff.

‘Smells of Christmas,’ she said.

Mikey knew lots of things his sister liked – prawn cocktail crisps, white chocolate, Smarties, Pringles. Any of them would have done, so why hadn’t he thought of it? He could have cooked her a whole meal in fact, beginning to end, that would have been more impressive. It made him mad to see Jacko doing all the right things, but none of the legwork. Jacko didn’t have a clue what it was like living with three women. He’d like to see him try.

Karyn blinked at the chocolates and all the bright wrappers glowed back at her. She took a green triangle and offered the tin to Jacko. He took one without looking, unwrapped it and stuffed it in his mouth. Mikey hoped it was coconut.

He slopped a coffee down in front of them both. ‘Don’t take too long drinking that,’ he told Jacko. ‘We have to go in a minute.’

‘Plenty of time,’ Jacko said, and he reached out and took another chocolate.

Mikey had a sudden urge to see Sienna because she thought Jacko was a tosser. He went back to the kitchen and texted her. She texted straight back, Die you creep. Why not? He deserved it.

To make himself feel worse, he went to his outbox and skipped through the stacked-up messages he’d written to Ellie but never sent. Like heartbeats, over and over. I miss you. Meet me. Forgive me.

He deleted the lot.

She was on her brother’s side, Karyn was right. He’d been an idiot to think otherwise.

As Mikey walked back through to the lounge, Jacko was going on about how Karyn was by herself too much, how it was bad for her and she should invite people over.

‘I could’ve sat with you this morning,’ he said. ‘I wouldn’t’ve minded.’

‘I was fine. Gillian was here.’

Jacko looked confused. ‘Gillian’s her cop,’ Mikey told him. ‘Karyn thinks the sun shines out of her arse.’

Karyn shook her head. ‘Don’t make me sound like a prat, Mikey.’

‘I’m taking this drink up to Mum,’ he said. ‘We’ll go after that, Jacko, yeah?’

Jacko nodded, then turned straight back to Karyn. ‘So,’ he said, ‘you think you could face leaving the flat soon, for a drive or something?’

What a wanker.

Upstairs, his mum sat on the edge of the bed with the ashtray on her lap. He put the coffee next to her on the table.

She said, ‘How’s Karyn?’

‘Surprisingly chipper.’

‘You told her he pleaded not guilty?’

‘Gillian did. It’s hardly a surprise though, is it?’

‘I suppose not.’ She took a long drag of her cigarette and blew the smoke towards the window. ‘I don’t know what to say to her, Mikey.’

‘Don’t worry about it. Jacko’s filled her in.’

‘I don’t mean about today, I mean about everything. I’ve been sitting here trying to work it out.’ She turned to him, something urgent in her eyes. ‘I feel angry with her, and that’s not right, is it? I keep thinking, Why do we all have to go through this? Why did she let this happen? You know, Why did she get so drunk, why didn’t she fight him off?’

Mikey stood very still. He’d thought the very same things himself at times, but he didn’t think you were supposed to say them out loud.

Mum took a last drag of her fag and ground it into the ashtray. ‘I feel angry with the boy who hurt her, angry with myself for taking her to the police station, angry with her mates for dumping her. Where are they all now, eh? We haven’t seen them for weeks.’

‘She won’t see them, that’s why.’

‘Well, it would be easier if she’d never said anything in the first place. She should have carried on as normal and tried to forget. It’s not impossible to do that. You simply push bad things down and pretend they never happened.’

‘You don’t mean that, Mum.’

‘Well, how is this trial any good for her, eh? I think she should go back to school and do her exams. She’ll feel better if she does that, and then she’ll be able to get a job and forget all this. But no, when I suggest it she shakes her head and carries on sitting on that damn sofa.’ She reached for the coffee, took a swig, then put it straight down again as if it tasted disgusting. ‘Tell me how I’m supposed to handle it, Mikey. Tell me what I’m supposed to do.’

‘You have to keep being her mum, that’s all. Helping her and stuff.’

She put her head in her hands. ‘It goes on for ever though. I had no idea.’

He wasn’t sure if she meant the court case or looking after kids in general.

‘We’ve got social services breathing down our necks,’ she said. ‘They even had the cheek to offer me a parenting course – shoving leaflets and phone numbers at me.’

He knew he had to get out of there. ‘Jacko’s downstairs waiting,’ he said. ‘I have to go now.’

She looked up at him. ‘Are you getting Holly?’

‘No, I’m going to work. You’re getting her, remember?’

‘Can you do it?’

‘I’ve got a late shift. I swapped it so I could go to court.’

‘They were supposed to sort out an after-school club. They can’t even do the simplest things.’ She stood up and went to the window. ‘I can’t drink that coffee, by the way.’ Her voice had changed, hard somehow. ‘I need something in it. I want you to tell me where my bottle is.’

‘No, Mum.’

Her mouth was a thin line as she twisted from the window. ‘Don’t look at me like that, Mikey. In case you’ve forgotten, I am actually your mother and this is my roof you live under, so can you go and get it, please?’

‘Mum, don’t do this.’

She glared at him. ‘I don’t have to see where you’ve hidden it. Put a splash in the coffee and hide it away again.’

He wished he had a brother. Even an older sister would be nice. Hundreds of sisters in fact, all older than him. They could take it in turns.

‘All right,’ he said. ‘Just one splash. A really small one.’

She looked so grateful, like some kind of desperate ghost, as he went to fetch the bottle from his room.

After saying goodbye to Karyn at the door, they walked in silence down the stairs and across the courtyard. The main gate was shut so they had to climb it. Jacko swung over easily in one clean move.

‘Prat,’ Mikey said, to even things up.

Jacko grinned, licked a finger and held it out, like he’d scored a point.

Everything was making Mikey angry – Karyn and Jacko hooting with laughter about something while he was upstairs wrestling the sherry bottle back from Mum; the fact that they were going to be late for work and he’d be blamed, because Jacko had a perfect track record, so how could it be his fault? Even the air, hot and dry and full of food smells, was pissing him off. He hadn’t eaten anything all day. He’d wanted to get to the pub and have something before his shift started and now there wasn’t time. Everything felt wrong.

‘So,’ Jacko said as they got in the car, ‘Karyn’s on form. I’d forgotten how funny she is.’

‘Yeah, she’s hilarious.’

Jacko frowned as he turned the key in the ignition. ‘You want to tell me what the matter is?’