Grace McCleen - The Land of Decoration

Father bought four cans of beer from the package store and then we went home. I held the fish and chips in my arms, and the rustling and the smell and the weight of them were almost too much to bear. When we got in, I ate them from the paper so quickly that a lump formed in my chest, and I had to wait for it to go before I began again. The chips were fluffy and squidgy, and the fish fell apart in little moist flakes. The batter crunched and then it oozed. It was so delicious that tears came to my eyes.

Father didn’t tell me to slow down or get a plate or use a knife and fork. I was halfway through before I realized he wasn’t eating. I said: “D’you want some?”

“No, they’re for you,” he said.

But I suddenly didn’t feel like eating anymore. “Look at this,” I said, and put two chips under my top lip and made an evil face. He took a sip from his can and smiled, then went back to looking at the grill. I wished he would tell me off for playing with my food.

I took the chips out of my mouth and looked down at the newspaper. I said: “Are you all right?”

“Why shouldn’t I be?”

There were lots of reasons why he might not be but none that seemed possible to talk about. “I don’t know,” I said. I looked at the clock. It was past ten o’clock; he hadn’t even realized it was bedtime.

“Look at the time!” I said.

“Oh yes.”

I stood up. “Thank you for the fish and chips.”

Still he didn’t look at me. “You’re welcome.”

I said: “I’d better go to bed, hadn’t I?”

“Good idea.”

“Good night, then.”

“Good night.”

I went to the door, but when I got there I laughed and turned round. “You are all right, aren’t you?”

Something flickered in his face. He said: “Of course I’m all right!” and looked almost like himself again.

“Oh, good,” I said, and I felt better than I had done all day.

TWO DAYS BEFORE Christmas, Elsie and May came and tapped on the fence. I wouldn’t have heard them unless I had been in the garden, but it was sunny and I didn’t want to be inside.

“Cooeee!” May called.

“Hellooo!” called Elsie.

“Hey!” I shouted.

“Judith!” they cried. “Are you all right, my lovely?” They sounded a bit unsure; I forgot they hadn’t seen the fence.

“Yeah!” I said. “Hang on, I’ll get the key.”

“We missed you!” said Elsie.

“Hang on!” I said. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Can I have the key?” I said to Father when I got into the kitchen. “Elsie and May are out the front.”

“Oh.” Father touched his eyes. Then he shook his head and said: “I can’t handle that at the moment.”

I stared at him. “It’s Elsie and May,” I said.

“I know who it is, and I said I can’t handle it. Just say I’m not well.”

I looked at him. “But you are,” I said suddenly. A white-hot light flashed on in my head. “You’re fine .”

Father said in a low voice: “I’m not going to argue with you: Tell them it’s very kind of them, but I don’t want to see anyone at the moment.”

I was breathing fast. “But we haven’t seen anybody for ages!” I said. My voice was shaking and it was getting too loud. “What if I want to see them? I live here too!”

Father jumped up from the chair. “I don’t want to see anyone at the moment, Judith, all right? I don’t want to see anyone! ”

I stood there, then ran out of the room. In the hall I got my breath and wiped my face. Then I opened the front door and went to the fence and called to May and Elsie and said Father wasn’t feeling well.

“Oh dear … But are you all right, sweetheart?” they cooed.

“Yes.” I leaned my head against the fence.

“Oh, well…”

There was silence for a minute or two. “Can we get you anything?”

“No. Thank you.” I closed my eyes.

“Well, all right … we’ll be off then—we’ll see you soon, though, at the meeting.”

“Yes.”

“Give your dad our love.”

“Tell him we’re thinking of him.”

“Goodbye, sweetheart.”

I heard them go down the road, and then I slipped down the fence and sat on the soil.

I DIDN’T SPEAK to Father for the rest of the day, but he didn’t notice because he wasn’t speaking much either. Late that night he came up to my room and sat on the bed. He didn’t seem to care whether I was asleep or not, but I pretended to be; he smelled of beer and I was afraid.

“We’ll win in the end,” he said. “They think they’ve beaten us, but they haven’t!” He put his hand on my head and it was heavy and clammy, like being touched by a dead thing. I felt him sway on the edge of the bed, then he farted.

He said: “What have I—”

Then he made a noise that sounded like: “Gah!” and put his head in his hands and rubbed his hands back and forth over his hair and groaned. Then he began to laugh, and all the while he laughed he rubbed his head.

When he had gone, I didn’t move for the longest time. I didn’t want to breathe, but I had to. I suppose I had thought that once Father’s body began to get better he would be himself again, but he wasn’t, so something else must be wrong, and I didn’t want to think what that was. I thought for the first time that perhaps Father had the Depression. Depression was a sin, because it meant someone despaired of God.

And I decided knocking on doors and smashed windows and heads down toilets and fires and even getting beaten up were nothing to this, because whatever this was couldn’t be seen and couldn’t be got at and couldn’t be mended. It couldn’t be fixed like a door, or an eye, or a tooth, or a house.

THE NEXT DAY, we got a Christmas card from Auntie Jo. She had made the card herself, as usual, and stuck a photo on the front. In the photo she had her hair cut very short and was wearing enormous double-clef earrings and grinning, with a party hat on her head. She had her arms around two other women, and it looked like they were in someone’s back garden at night. She looked as though she had been in the sun.

The card said: Happy Christmas. Thinking of you both. Would love to see you. Come and visit. Love, Jo. There was a long line of kisses. I sniffed the card but it didn’t smell of anything. But I thought how Auntie Jo’s fingers had been all over it. I imagined Auntie Jo smiling at me as she was on the front of the card. I asked Father if I could keep this card and he said that I could, so I stuck it on the wall above my bed. It made the whole room seem different, as if a window had been opened and fresh air had come in.

The Saturday after Christmas, Uncle Stan came to see Father. He came straight after dinner. Father offered him a cup of tea, but Uncle Stan didn’t want one. They went into the front room and closed the door. I couldn’t hear anything, so I went to my room and sat on the floor and took out my journal, but I just sat and looked at the page.

Then I heard the door downstairs. Uncle Stan said: “The announcement will be made tomorrow,” and Father said: “Thank you.”

About half an hour later Father knocked at my door. I scrambled up and put the journal under the floorboard and said: “Come in!”

He perched on the edge of the chair by my desk and said: “Judith, I’ve got something to tell you; I’m sorry about it but there it is. Uncle Stan has just been here and we’ve had a long talk: At the meeting tomorrow there’ll be an announcement made saying I’ve been Removed. I want you to know I’m in agreement with it.”

“Oh,” I said. I didn’t look up.