Douglas Kennedy - A Special Relationship

The shit. That was the only word for him. And in the midst of my insane distress about being separated from Jack, my clear, ferocious fury at my husband provided a strange sort of equilibrium; a balance to the guilt and anguish that were otherwise eating away at me like the most virulent form of cancer.

But hearing his voice on the phone was also like one of those out-of-nowhere slaps across the face that shake you out of a stupor and force you to confront the grim reality of your situation. Before this call, there was a part of my brain that was still trying to carry on as if this was really not happening. It wasn't exactly denial (to use that hateful term); more something like extreme disbelief, underscored by a fairyland need to convince yourself that, any moment now, this entire sick black farce will end and your former life will be restored to you.

Now, however, there was no sidestepping the hard cold facts of the matter: he was living in her house, with our son. And he had put into motion the legal machinery to separate me from Jack.

I had another bad, sleepless night. At seven the next morning, I rang Budget-Rent-A-Car and discovered that they had a branch in the parade of shops near the East Putney tube station. When they opened at eight, I was their first customer, renting a little Nissan for the day - £32.00 all-in, as long as I had it back by eight the next morning. 'Mind if I pay cash?' I asked. The clerk looked wary - but, after checking with a superior, he said that cash would be acceptable as long as they could make an imprint of my credit card, just in case there were any additional charges. I handed over my maxed-out Bank of America VISA card and hoped I was well on the road when-and-if they ran a credit check on it.

My luck held. He simply ran the card through his old manual machine, then had me sign several rental forms, and handed me the keys.

Traffic was light all the way south. I made the market town of Lewes in around ninety minutes - and stopped to ask directions to Litlington. It was another fifteen minutes southeast - past gently rolling fields and the occasional farm shop. Then I turned right at a sign marked Alfriston/Litlington, and found myself entering a picture postcardy image of Elysian England. I had driven into a well-heeled fantasy, of the sort that only serious money could buy. I knew I was looking for a house called Forest Cottage. I got lucky - driving down a particularly winding road, my eyes glancing at every small house sign, I noticed the plain painted marker half buried in some undergrowth. I braked and started to negotiate the steep narrow drive.

Halfway up this avenue, the thought struck me: what am I going to do when I get to her house? What am I going to say? I had no planned speech, no strategy or game plan. I just wanted to see Jack.

When I reached the top of the drive, I came to a gate. I parked the car. I got out. I walked to the gate and looked up at the pleasant, two-storey farmhouse around a hundred yards away. It appeared as well maintained as the manicured grounds surrounding it. There was a newish Land Rover parked by the front door. I decided that I would simply open the gate, walk up the drive, knock on the door, and see what would happen. There was a delusional part of me that thought: all I need to do is show my face, and Tony and this woman will be so ashamed of what they've done, they'll hand over Jack to me on the spot...

Suddenly, the front door opened and there she was. A tall woman. Very elegant. Good cheekbones. Short black hair, lightly flecked with grey. Dressed in expensive casual clothes: black jeans, a black leather jacket, a designer variation on walking boots, a grey turtleneck sweater... all of which, even from a distance, radiated money. And strapped around her neck was one of those baby slings, in which sat...

I nearly shouted his name. I caught myself. Perhaps because I was just so stunned by the sight of this woman - this stranger - with my son slung across her chest, acting as if he was her own child.

She was heading towards her Land Rover. Then she saw me. I didn't know if she'd ever been shown a photograph of me - but as soon as she caught sight of me at the gate she knew. She stopped. She looked genuinely startled. There was a long, endless moment where we simply looked at each other, not knowing what to say next. Instinctively, she put her arms around Jack, then suddenly pulled them away, realizing...

What? That she had committed the ultimate theft, the most despicable form of larceny imaginable?

My hands gripped the gate. I wanted to run up to her and seize my son and dash back to the car and...

But I simply couldn't move. Maybe it was the wallop of what I was seeing, the absolute horror of watching that woman cradle my son. Or maybe it was a paralytic sort of fear, coupled with the disquieting realization that if I overstepped the boundaries here - and created a scene - I would simply be giving them further ammunition against me. Even being here, I knew, was an insane tactic... and one that might rebound on me big time. But... but... I had to know. I had to see for myself. And I had to see Jack. And now...

She suddenly turned away from me, heading back to the house, her gait anxious, her arms clutching Jack again.

'Tony...' I heard her shout. And I was gone. Hurrying back to the car, throwing it into reverse, making a fast U-turn, and shooting back down the drive. When I glanced in the rearview mirror, I could see Tony standing beside her, watching my car disappear.

I drove nonstop out of Litlington and back to the main road, pulling over into a lay-by, cutting the engine, placing my head against the steering wheel, and not being able to move for a very long time.

After around ten minutes, I forced myself to sit back up in the seat, turn the ignition key, put the car into gear, and head back towards London. I don't remember exactly how I got there. Some basic autopilot took over. I made it back to Putney. I dropped the car back to Budget, garnering a quizzical look from the clerk behind the desk when I handed in the keys so early. An hour later, I was lying on my bed at home, having taken double the recommended dose of anti-depressants, feeling it deaden all pain, rendering me inert, inoperative for the rest of the day. That night, I also took double the dose of sleeping pills. It did the trick - comatose for eight hours, up in a fog until dawn. At which point, I started the double-dosing of anti-depressants again.

And then it was Monday, and the phone was ringing.

'It's Ginny Ricks here', my lawyer said, sounding terse, preoccupied. 'Sorry we couldn't chat on Friday - another ghastly day in court. But just to bring you up to speed on everything - Deirdre has finished all the witness statements, which we are lodging at court this afternoon. I'll be instructing the barrister today, and the hearing's at the High Court tomorrow morning at ten-thirty. You know where that is, don't you?'

'Well... uh... I'm not...'

'The Strand. Can't miss it. Ask anyone. And I'll have Deirdre positioned just outside the main entrance to spot you coming in. We'll be outside the courtroom somewhere within the building. And I presume you have something smart, but simple to wear. A suit would be best. Black even better'.

'I'll see what... sorry, I...'

I lost track of the sentence.

'Are you all right, Sally?' she asked, sounding a little impatient with my vagueness.

'Bad night...' I managed to say.

'Sounds like a desperately bad night. And I hope you'll ensure that you have a far better night tonight - because, though you will not be called upon to testify tomorrow, the judge will be looking you over, and should you seem somewhat out-of-it, that will definitely raise concerns. And additional concerns are about the last thing we need right now'.