Monika Fagerholm - The Glitter Scene

“Can you imagine dying for love? Yes, Susette, when I look at you. These globes, Susette. Your eyes. A whole world. I feel it. That your love is great, Susette. So great it can overturn houses. Duel in the sun . Life and death.

“So that later, afterward you can say that there were two of us who loved. Though,” Maj-Gun adds elatedly, thoughtful, “of course if it happens to go that way for us then afterward, in and of itself, there won’t be so much for us. But”—brightening at the thought —“the memory of the two of us will remain.

“I remember when I saw you come running across the cemetery, Susette. To the rectory: like a romantic heroine from a movie. A movie with deserted plains, clouds and rain and hard winds. I love you … her whole body screaming, the loneliness inside her, the heavens opening, church bells.

“It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God. It is love, Susette.

“To the rectory. But yet, it has to be said, love’s representative in that story looked a little pale, so to speak,” Maj-Gun determines with reference to her own brother, Tom Maalamaa. “So the question is,” she says thoughtfully, “Susette and love. If I am going to love the Boy in the woods then who are you going to love —now ?

“Well.” Maj-Gun shrugs after a brief pause. “Should I tell you another story then instead, as an illustrative example? A true story?”

“I have to go home now, tomorrow is another workday,” Susette says but Maj-Gun anticipates her. “But listen to this now and then maybe you’ll understand me better, Susette. We were at sea, so to speak. Life is a cruise , so to speak, that’s how she said it. And she took out her flask and poured out ‘her medicine.’ Then she also said, ‘My flask.’ Held it up. ‘My medicine.’ A small cute bottle, as it were.

“You know who I’m talking about. My godmother Liz Maalamaa who had become a widow and wanted to head out to sea and invited me to come with her as a female companion. Didn’t want to travel alone, she whined, and I was a child then and I guess she thought that I needed some entertainment in the sea of balls for example.

“But the same miserable routes Susette, Sweden Finland Sweden Finland, which her husband, of blessed memory, had often traveled alone in his spare time until his heart, liver, kidneys just exploded inside him and he was found dead under some berth under the car deck by the cleaners when the boat had reached port.

“The buffet room, the shrimp shells, milk glasses; her talking and her talking; swans in the archipelago that filed past on the other side of the window. TWO swans, that was what she saw even though there were several of course, black swans, white swans, but in other words, she had to pause at just the two of them. Dick and Duck, her and her husband, and crying over the shrimp shells… and how you can long for someplace else, Susette, despite being so young! So I left the restaurant and ran ran out through the ship back to my own normal childhood as it were that I suddenly didn’t know where it was at all, but the sea of balls then, like a hypothesis; to drown myself in the sea of balls, I wanted to DIE! And I tried, I swam in and under the balls and squeezed my eyes shut but nah nah there was no nice sister in a blue bathing suit, for example, who wanted to come to my rescue.

“There was just one—an older woman: one single lady in the universe. My aunt Elizabeth ‘Liz’ Maalamaa, in comfortable sandals size ten—a reminiscence from her happy childhood on the farm up north where she and her brother dreamed about becoming missionaries, and sometimes you need to walk a long way if you’re going to save heathens, Majjunn, which she always called me, she explained sometime during her bedtime stories for me and my brother Tom when she came to visit at the rectory in order to rest during the time her husband was still alive. Sometimes on unruly ground, Majjunn, and there in the jungle, the conditions and laws of the jungle prevail, looked a bit like she had come from that wilderness herself, bruises on her wrists and a black eye on the left side… But yes, it was those sandals I saw in the sea of balls when I opened my eyes that I had squeezed shut because I thought it would make me invisible like when an ostrich sticks its head in the sand. On the other side of the windowpane that separated the children’s playroom from the ship’s corridor while chubby girl on the run chubby girl on the run echoed from all of the ship’s loudspeakers. I WAS not exactly fat then, Susette, just big.

“But, no escape, pjutt spit a ball out of my mouth and back to the dining room, the buffet tables from which all of the other people had already excused themselves and we were alone: the swans, Dick and Duck, her and the husband… while darkness fell, Susette. Over all of these lies too. And the archipelago, on the other side of the window. The only thing that could be seen, one solitary lighthouse. A white light, at a distance.

“And then, Susette, it disappeared too—

“Do you think this is funny, Susette?”

Maj-Gun stops in the middle of her story.

“I don’t know,” Susette replies truthfully. “I don’t think—” She tries, does not know how to continue, she wants to say that she does not really believe what Maj-Gun is saying, that maybe Maj-Gun should not exaggerate so much, but suddenly Susette sees the tears in Maj-Gun’s eyes behind the counter and it pains her.

“Then I saw hell,” Maj-Gun says and big, shiny tears run down her cheeks. “A life I never want to live.

“That marriage which wasn’t much of a marriage but she pretended to sit there and miss it when in reality she was just embarrassed because she was drunk.”

“But you said she never drank.”

“But, Susette!” Maj-Gun shouts impatiently through her tears. “Don’t you understand anything? Djeessuss! Those three–four thimbles she poured into her milk glass, her medicine, it was her big secret. And it’s her, never me, who talks big. ‘A little bit of wine makes you nice,’ papa Pastor said at the rectory and I say so too. But I had caught her red-handed.” Calmer now, she is no longer crying, dries all the snot and tears from her face with the back of her hand just as determined as she had been with the lip gloss on her lips, sits up straight. “But this is what I want to say, Susette. That the life lie—” Maj-Gun starts with such seriousness that all of the issues of Positive Consciousness she has ever studied pour out of her. “That. The end. Fuck. The end. Never. THERE. Djeessuss. That you can long to get away!”

And she grows silent again, determines later, thoughtfully, but with great emphasis. “Her life. Her damned shit of a life, Susette Packlén. ”

“Well,” Maj-Gun says then after she has caught her breath, “now we come to the little turn in this idiotic story that happens to be true, to boot. Sorry , Aunt Liz suddenly says there on the boat. In the restaurant where we remain all alone except for the servers because by that time it’s really late. And she looks at me and says that, at exactly the same moment as I get a burning liquid in my mouth that looks like regular milk because what has happened, which she has realized before me even if it was too late for her to do anything about it, is that I have gotten thirsty and taken her glass by mistake instead of my own.

“Sorry. But she, Liz Maalamaa, is like me—unfortunately we aren’t related for nothing and what belongs to the genetic material we seem to share is that you are never allowed to have a pause in the conversation regardless of whether there is something important to say or not. Babble, it just continues, especially if someone unmasks you, or even worse, you unmask yourself. SEE the life lie shit life: she never loved him after all . And he, yes, he wasn’t nice to her anyway—but she immediately has to jump over to the absolution that happens later.