Irvine Welsh - If You Liked School, You'll Love Work

— Nonsense, Ms Cahill, comes her disembodied voice from the adjacent machine, — it’ll do you the world of good. Once you get rid of that white, pasty skin, you might be tempted to buy some more colourful clothes instead of black all the time. It’ll be great for Hawick.

— How will it? It won’t make Midnight’s leg any better or make us jump any higher.

— You want to look your best for the photographers there. I’ve heard that there might even be some TV cameras, for that STV show, Country Pursuits .

Afterwards we go to the leisure centre coffee bar. I’m thinking about that horrible Klepto, and Jason, the weird but sweet stalker, and my fucking father and poor Ambrose the dog. How it seems to be my lot to be surrounded by the creeps that Lara draws into her orbit.

When I get home and check on Midnight in the stable, Dad appears with Indy and he’s on one of his recurrent themes. He says I’m ‘overhorsed’ on Midnight. — He’s an experienced old stager but ye need a fitter, hungrier animal if you’re tae compete properly. There’s a well-schooled six-year-old for sale. See if you like him. He’s a gelding but he’s goat stallionesque spirit. The owners even said it was a mistake getting him done, as they should have bred from him. An Oldenburg warmblood. You cannae beat German horses. A thoroughbred as well. Horses like him dinnae come along every day.

Indy goes into the stable to check on Clifford the pony. My dad walks towards the fence and shakes it. Poor Ambrose trails pitifully behind him, face still taped together. — How is his face? I ask, following them.

— Twenty-two stitches. Looks nasty, but it’s superficial. He’s three-quarters pitbull. He ought to have fought back! He looks at the dog in an angry contempt.

I think of Monty, and Kenneth, his killer dog. — Funny how the dogs went straight for his face. There are no marks on his body.

— Aye… that’s dugs for ye. They dae that.

— Especially if they’re trained, eh?

He looks searchingly at me for a bit, then shrugs. — Best check up on that stable. Fuckin minging, he goes.

— I try, but it needs so much work, I protest. — And there’s Indy’s pony and the companion animals, and I’m lumbered with the lot!

— Thir’s a solution tae that, he says.

He’s going to go on about boarding Midnight with Scarlet Jester in La Rue’s stables again. How many times do I have to say it to get it through his thick skull that it isn’t going to happen! — I know what you’re going to say, I snort.

— I hear ye aboot the stables. He raises his palms. — I think we need somebody tae help us thaire. Ye cannae git staff they days, eh, he smiles, and I force a response. — I might just ken somebody, he winks at me.

— Okay, I say quietly back. I realise that I’ve just entered into a pact with him to say no more about Ambrose’s wounds, in order that I get him to pay somebody to skivvy in the stable. It dawns on me that I’m probably as shallow as he is, possibly even more.

THE NEXT EFTIRNOON ah’m back in Dunfermline, sittin in the East Port wi Olly Mason, whae’s goat ma clathes in a placky bag n is aw fill ay apologies. — I’m so sorry, Jason, but my wife wouldn’t understand this need I have to seek a symbolic communion with my daughter. June’s a wonderful woman, but a terrible reactionary: not open-minded like you or me.

Fair kens how tae ego massage, thon hoor, ah’ll gie um ehs due. Thir’s geishas spent years learnin thir trade thit couldnae git that close. Things They Dinnae Teach Ye At Kelty Business Skill , right enough. Eh’s fair found ma clitoris, any roads. — Well, ah pride masel oan bein a free thinker in the best Fife traditions, ya hoor sor.

Olly nods in the gesture ay mutual understandin employed by learned men the world ower. — What you did yesterday helped me so much, eh says, liftin the black gold in a toast motion that ah’m moved tae reciprocate. — Consider the ban rescinded. I’ve been onto the committee and they’ve agreed with my recommendation that we acted too hastily and that the Mossman result should stand, and that Jason King will play Derek Clark from Perth in the next round of the cup! Cheers!

— Cheers! Delighted tae be ay service, Olly, but it wis an awfay loat ay bother gaun through the toon in drag.

The hoor’s brows knot, as weel they might. — Yes… I’m so sorry about that.

This is a rerr pint ay Guinness, though. Ah lick the inevitable foam mowser fae ma toap lip. — Aw’s well that ends well. Goat picked up in the motor by a nice wee lassie ah ken. A nae-questions-asked type. Wee goth bird, likes, but no in the sense ay the boozer, ah hastily add.

— Excellent… excellent. Listen, Jason, how would you feel about helping me out again? Olly pleads. — That last session, it was so… cathartic, a couple more at the same level of… intensity… would surely see me able to move on…

— Well, ah dinnae—

— Of course, I’d make it worth your while, the boy cuts in. — How does fifty pounds suit?

Ah thinks aboot this for a minute. Hermless stuff, by any just accoont, sor. — Ah’m game, but if thir’s any chuggin involved ah’m wantin a ton, ah tell um. — Nae offence, but bein in the presence ay another man’s climax disnae dae nowt fir ays; specially whin ah’m the only skirt in the room, ya hoor!

Olly looks sadly at ays as if tae acknowledge that it’s aw jist business. Aye, cash nexus, relationships, as auld Karl sais. Then eh gies a slow nod. — That would be fine, provided I can record the proceedings? They will, of course, be exclusively for my own personal… therapy only. This I guarantee.

Ah think aboot this for a while, n shrug. — Awright, cause auld Olly doesnae seem the sort ay felly whae’d want anybody else tae ken aboot this.

— It’s June’s shopping day in Edinburgh, eh explains in a low whisper as we kill wur pints n head back tae the hoose. What one does fir one’s love ay the beautiful tabletoap game. But if we huv tae prostitute wursels tae thon pimp commerce, then lit’s git the fill goin rate ay bawbees. Basic trade union principles, ya hoor.

Olly’s set up ehs camera n tripod n wir soon at work. Ah think ah pit the make-up oan a wee bit better this time roond, daein the lippy like the auld girl used tae. Olly’s stagin things much mair now n ahm fair huvin tae work fir ma sheckles. The hoor likes ays tae huv a faraway gaze, while hudin different books he’s gied ays like Little Women or Jane Eyre , like ah wis jist contemplatin a sentence in the work, likes.

Next thing ah ken is ah’m sittin oan eh’s knee, n eh’s goat ays reading passages oot loud tae um. Simulatin yon coachin gied tae the Kathleen lassie as a young thing, nae doot. Ah fair goat a beamer whin eh telt ays thit ah hud that ‘quality ay innocence’ aboot ays. Really made ays determined tae go oot n git ma hole, that yin did.

Olly’s breathin went as shallow as a hoor that says ‘ah love ye’ n ah wis certain thit perr Kathleen’s dress wid need a guid cleanin.

Whin ah gits back intae civvies n meets the hoor doonstairs, eh goes, — I think I’m almost there, Jason, negotiating those troubled waters of grief with that harbour of serenity almost in sight. Eh, any chance of just one more visit?

— Mibbe will cry it quits fir now, Olly. Ah mean, nae offence, everybody’s goat thir ain wey ay dealin wi bereavement, but ah’ll leave you tae sail this particular ship alaine, if ye dinnae mind, ah’m moved tae tell the hoor.

He nods in slow understandin, n coonts oot the notes, handin thum ower tae ays. — Fair enough, but if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me, eh sais, showin ays oot. Ah shimmy doon thon gairden path, giein um a wee wave, spankin that wedge in ma back poakit, n ah feels fabby, ya hoor sor.