Andres Neuman - Traveller of the Century

Frau Levin set her cup down on its saucer and declared: There you go again with your talk of copulation! You have a fixation, my Lord, a fixation!

Speaking of dynamic nature, said Frau Pietzine, a bitter taste in her mouth, where are you all planning to spend your holidays?

Nowhere very exciting, Rudi replied smoothing down his lapels, you know the kind of thing, a few days here, a few days there, I imagine my parents and I will go to Baden in August. (In Baden, Frau Levin said, her eyes opening wide, at the spa?) Naturally, dear lady, what else is there to do in Baden? A frightfully boring place! And from there we will spend a few days at our small country mansion near Magdeburg, it doesn’t have many rooms, but … Incidentally, my Sophie ( My Sophie! Hans recoiled), if you would reconsider the invitation, there’s a pretty little garden which you (I thank you from the bottom of my heart, Rudi dear, but why this impatience? You know how I feel — I will gladly go there, but only after the wedding), yes, yes of course, I was only suggesting … (Good! Hans muttered under his breath.)

As for us, explained Herr Gottlieb, we shall find somewhere, my daughter is fond of surprises, aren’t you my dear? Indeed, only the other day I was telling our friends how tiresome it is to travel anywhere these days, people are in such a hurry, the wheels of a carriage don’t seem fast enough, no sooner do they get in than they want to get out again, the faster we go the faster we want to go! I suppose travel has gone out of fashion, the new fashion is to arrive . I couldn’t agree more, said Professor Mietter, and when I see the speed at which we travel I fear for the mental health of passengers, and this isn’t me, it is the doctors who say this, the less human our method of transport, the more perilous it is for our nerves, this obsession with speed is absurd! Travellers today want to anticipate everything, the exact time of arrival, they want to avoid all surprises. Alles klar , carry on, full steam ahead and no more argument! But what will they think about when there is no more uncertainty? (About where to go, said Hans, just as they do now.) Yes, but what about the ritual, the excitement of departure? (I assure you, said Álvaro, that on the platform at Liverpool station the passengers become more excited than at Mass.)

Before the courtyard grew dark and the lamps were lit, the guests proceeded with the promised reading from Schiller’s William Tell . They agreed to an informal performance of the first scene and the last, and a couple of scenes from the middle. The allocation of parts was interesting. Someone suggested Rudi play the influential Baron Attinghausen, or if not, his nephew. However, he refused both and elected the role of Conrado Baumgarten, a man of the people. Álvaro jested: You must tell us how it feels! Álvaro, who had never actually read the work, was given the role of Ruodi the fisherman, and Hans was asked to read the part of the hunter Werni so that he and Álvaro would appear together in the final scene. Herr Levin was the victim of another little whim, and, without even proffering an ahem , asked if he could play Baron Attinghausen’s nephew, Ulrico de Rudenz. Everyone agreed that the young heiress, Berta de Bruneck, would be a perfect role for Sophie. After some insistence, Sophie managed to persuade Herr Gottlieb to play William Tell, as a tribute to paternal love. Frau Levin, who was hiding her face behind her fan, smiled nervously when, amid applause, she was allotted the part of William Tell’s wife, Hedwigia. Does Hedwigia have many lines? she asked, flustered, and Sophie put her mind at rest by explaining that none of these scenes had more than five or six lines. As for the bloodthirsty, tyrannical Governor Geszler, no one volunteered to play him. Even Professor Mietter, who rejected Hans’s barbed suggestion, insisting that instead of acting he would provide a cello accompaniment to give the performance atmosphere. After some discussion, and since Geszler was crucial to one scene, Frau Pietzine requested to speak, and, with an expression of infinite weariness, said: What does it matter, I will play him. Finally the professor, who, as well as taking charge of the music, had designated himself director, declared as he leafed through the pages of his copy: One moment, we have forgotten Pastor Kuoni, who has a couple of lines in the first scene. Herr Gottlieb instantly gestured to Bertold, and with a sigh of resignation the servant received a copy of the play. We will need at least one village woman as well, added the professor. The salon goers turned towards Elsa, who to begin with seemed quite willing. However, when she learnt the woman’s name, she dug her heels in: Ermengarda! Not in your wildest dreams, not with a name like that! Sophie volunteered to read the village woman’s lines, and the distribution of roles was complete. ACT I, SCENE 1

… RUDI [in a loud booming voice] : Quick, quick, they are at my heels! The governor’s guards are after me, and if they catch me I am a dead man.

ÁLVARO [exaggerating a look of surprise] : Why are they after you?

RUDI [more authoritative, less imploring than was called for] : Save me first and then I will tell you.

HANS [with a fine delivery, although casting unwarranted sidelong glances at Berta, that is at Sophie] : You are bleeding, what happened?

RUDI [also turning towards Sophie] : The emperor’s ball at Rossberg …

BERTOLD [reluctantly, his feet aching] : Is Wo … Er, is Wolfenschieszen after you?

RUDI [imitating the gesture of someone raising a sword] : No, he will do no more harm; I have killed him.

ALL [not quite as one] : God forgive you! What have you done?

RUDI [with authentic fury] : That which all free men would have done in my place. I have rightfully taken revenge on the man who insulted my honour and that of my wife.

BERTOLD [exaggerating the intonation of the question; Hans suddenly begins to take notice] : The ball was an insult to your honour?

RUDI [staring intently at Hans] : God and my axe have put an end to his wicked intentions.

HANS [swallowing hard] : Did you … split his skull open with an axe? ACT V, SCENE 3

ALL [Frau Levin’s voice is scarcely audible; Frau Pietzine roars even though she isn’t supposed to; Herr Gottlieb greets them, honoured] : Long live Tell the hunter, the liberator!

SOPHIE [with perfect intonation] : Friends, confederates, admit into your alliance the happy woman who was the first to find refuge in the land of freedom. I entrust myself to your strong arms, will you defend my rights and protect me as your fellow citizen?

ELSA [convinced at the last moment by the professor, responding in the name of all the villagers] : Yes, we will protect you with our possessions and our blood.

SOPHIE [suddenly distracted, without knowing why] : Very well, I will marry this youth. A free woman will wed a free man.

HERR LEVIN: And I, ahem, grant freedom to all my serfs.

Professor Mietter plays a long note on the cello, letting it fade into a diminuendo. There is a brief silence. Applause, congratulations. They all embrace one another and begin their cheerful farewells, wishing each other a good summer. Sophie bids her guests goodbye one at a time, although suddenly she seems preoccupied. When it comes to Rudi’s turn, he kisses her hand effusively and declares: When the summer is over, my love, it will give me great joy to return to this salon as your legitimate husband. The curtain of night has fallen. A lamp goes out.

What flowers were on the table? asked the organ grinder. Acacias, replied Hans, acacias. How do you know? asked Lamberg. On hearing Lamberg’s voice, Franz put his tail between his legs. I didn’t know, Hans said, I asked the maid. That’s good, very good, the organ grinder grinned, taking another swig of wine, acacias mean hidden love.