K. Randis - Spilled Milk

“All rise for the honorable Judge Constance.”

It was harder to concentrate with a guy judge sitting in front of me. I felt like every time my lawyer made a remark about rape or abuse the judge glanced my way. Once again I had to tell the judge in my own words what happened.

My hands clasped together, I sped over the information at lightning speed to prevent my face from getting too enflamed. The judge was satisfied with my overall general description and didn’t ask me to give further details on any of the rapes or abuse. Heather had said to keep my explanations simple, again, since this was not the place where it was determined if he was guilty or not guilty.

Earl was lead from the courtroom after both sides provided their evidence. Even though I had to go before a judge to get the protection from abuse order, it was no easier to stand in front of these people now to say it again. By the time I arrived back home to Jason’s exhaustion had kicked in and I didn’t care that I had an exam the next day.

“So how’d your court thing go?” He pulled a blanket around us and stroked my hair as my cheeks molded onto his bare chest.

“Okay I guess. Just have to wait now.”

Jason nodded. “You seem tired.”

“Exhausted.”

He yawned in response. “Me too. I think we’re the only seventeen year olds that work as much as we do.”

“Wouldn’t be surprised.”

The bed shifted as Jason leaned to his left and grabbed something off the dresser. He moved his hand under the blanket and placed a cell phone sized box in my hand. I scrunched my face and looked up at him. His pearly teeth greeted me. When I sat up and opened the Littman Jewelers box, a diamond encrusted pendant necklace reflected off the light in my eyes.

“I mean, if I didn’t work so much I couldn’t afford to get my baby a six month anniversary gift. So I’m okay with it.” His grin was so wide I could see his gum line and he brushed the hair away from my neck to clasp the back.

“There’s three diamonds. One for the past.”

His lips moved over my neck.

“One for the present.”

Warm, shallow breathing caressed my ear.

“And one for the future.”

His lips were pressed firmly against mine as we lay back on the bed. My cheeks in his hands he pulled away long enough to say I love you and resumed attaching himself to my face.

I pulled at the pendant and looked it over in my hand. “This is so beautiful. Thank you. That was so sweet.”

Secretly I was impressed he made such a big deal out of our six month anniversary. Earlier that week when I was with Midge I gave her an attitude. I still missed Paul so much and I felt guilty being in a relationship when I was still thinking about someone else.

“I haven’t even told Jason I love him back yet because I don’t think you can love two people at once. But I do love him. But I miss Paul.”

“Why do you miss him?” asked Midge.

I sneered. “What do you mean why ?” The answer seemed obvious to me. He was my first boyfriend, and I loved him.

“Tell me the things Paul did that make you miss him.”

I considered what she was asking me. Every time I opened my mouth no words came out. Any excuse I could come up with was irrelevant compared to the closeness I felt to him and his family when I shared my day with them. The idea of how we kissed and laughed was surely missed too, but it wasn’t the reason my heart was hurting. Paul filled a void where I was allowed to talk safely about anything I wanted. I missed that.

Silent tears slid down my face and by the time Jason realized I was crying he was leaning over me, rubbing them away with his finger. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

“I need to tell you something. But I don’t know how to tell you.”

He brought his face closer to mine, a whispered voice soothed me. “Tell me.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Just try.”

“Doesn’t it seem weird that I’m the only one who has to go to court all the time? Adam, Thomas and Kat don’t.”

“I’ve thought about that.” His arms encased my body. “I thought it was because of your parents’ divorce.”

“I miss so much school. Isn’t it weird that I have to miss that much school for court? For a divorce?”

He was silent for a minute. “Brooke, I know you want to tell me something. It’s okay. I’m here to listen. You don’t have to cry.”

“My dad, David.” I realized that Jason probably didn’t even know that my dad’s name was David since we’ve never talked about it. I shifted and leaned against him, face to face. I had to see his reaction when I told him. I needed to know what he felt the second I said it.

“He raped me. I have to go to court because of the things he did to me.”

Jason’s expression was agonizing. His grip tightened on my sides as he blinked. “I’m sorry, Brooke. Baby I’m so sorry.” He picked up my face. “Why are you crying? Did you think that anything you just said would change anything?”

“It’s not up to me if things change.” I remembered Paul’s face in the hallway. The hurtful comments he said before turning his back on me, again. “It’s up to you if you want things to change.”

I held my breath as Jason thought for a minute. He always needed a minute to gather his thoughts, almost as if he considered every viable consequence before he would speak.

“That isn’t going to change anything at all.” His gaze shifted from somewhere off in the distance to my face. “It wasn’t your fault. What kind of person would I be to leave you for something so…so…” He lifted a hand to exemplify his loss of words. “Stupid. Something like that would never change how I feel about you, because that’s something that happened to you, it’s not who you are. I love you, Brooke. I’ll always love you.”

“Are you sure?” Jason’s reaction was so completely opposite of Paul’s I thought for a second he was being sarcastic. His eyes told me differently. They were hurt for me, trying to figure out who in this world would make me feel like something like that would be held against me.

“I’m gonna marry you one day, Brooke. I’m sure of that. And I’m sure that there is nothing about your past that would make me love you less.”

Exhausted from crying and the emotional rollercoaster of the preliminary hearing I settled into Jason’s arms. Relief rushed from my veins and drowsiness crept in.

“I have to tell you one more thing,” I whispered.

“Anything.”

“I love you, Jason.”

“Brooke Nolan, can you please stand up?”

Hearing my name evaporated the daydream I was in as I looked around Mr. Heinz’s history class. There were two weeks left until graduation and after the parade of court hearings I’d been through the last few weeks I had a hard time making it to class, never mind actually paying attention to what was going on.

“Up, up. On your feet.” His white moustache bounced all over his lips as he used an index finger to visually make me rise from my seat.

“Now that you’re standing, could you please inform the class, just what is so important that you consistently feel the need to skip my class?”

Chuckles from the back of the room flooded my face with heat. “I don’t believe the answer is in your textbook, Miss Nolan, no need to look down. Look at me. That’s better. Now, if it’s not too much to ask, as soon as we get your response we can continue today’s lesson. Unless you planned on not being here for that either.”

Judd gripped the sides of his desk and I knew it would be a matter of seconds before he erupted in Mr. Heinz’s face if I didn’t respond. “I’m sorry if asking a classmate for the notes I missed was disrupting your lesson. I’ll wait until after class next time.”