Stanley Elkin - The Rabbi of Lud

“What’s this, a new riddle?”

“I’d be too ashamed,” she said.

“Connie?” I said.

“You don’t do that to real cousins.”

“You don’t do what to real cousins?”

“Who’ve taken you in. Who trust you.”

“This isn’t some new St. Myra Weiss thing we haven’t heard about yet, is it, Connie? Something like Gold Cards or individual retirement accounts and living wills of their very own for teenagers? It’s about Keoghs for kids, isn’t it, Connie?”

“No wonder she always goes to the papers first,” my wife said. “You pick on her.”

“Another county heard from.”

“You don’t? You don’t pick on her? You’re not sarcastic? You don’t poke fun?”

“He seduced me.”

“I’m out of line?” I said, wailing my woe, to Connie, to Shelley, to the room, to all the living and dead in Lud. “I guess maybe I’m out of line I turn a phrase on a kid she tries to tear up her daddy’s career, who has a problem with the neighborhood she runs to the press with handouts and bulletins, who practically cleaned me out with my own wife.” I turned to my daughter. “Guess what? Guess what?” I demanded. “I sold Klein’s and Charney’s dirt for them. I gave up my nights and weekends and flogged cemetery real estate to the trade and came home to an empty bed. What do you mean he seduced you? Who seduced you?”

“I couldn’t help it,” she said. “He swept me off my feet. He turned my head.”

“Who swept you off your feet? Who turned your head? What are we talking about here?”

“All he does is just stand next to me and I hear music playing.”

“Music,” put in Shelley, my wife the entertainer.

“Marvin made me feel like a woman for the first time in my life.”

“What Marvin? Who Marvin?”

“Marvin. Diane’s boyfriend from Hebrew school. The one with the crush on me they told me about at the slumber party. He taught me how to play miniature golf. He wined me and dined me.”

“He’s twelve years old!”

“He’s tall for his age.”

“I’m going to kill her,” I said.

“You’re upsetting your father,” Shelley said.

“I’m going to kill her.”

“Jerry, calm down. We’ll gather our thoughts, we’ll find out exactly what happened. Connie,” Shelley said carefully, “Connie, dear, when you say he ‘seduced’ you, just what is it you mean exactly, sweetheart?”

“I surrendered my cherry to him.”

“Your cherry, your cherry?!”

“He promised to write!”

“That’s why you did it, so you’d get mail ?”

“No,” Connie said, “of course not.”

“Of course not,” Shelley agreed. “Let her explain.”

“Explain what? What’s there to explain?” I yelled.

“Oh, you think it’s so easy for two people who want to get it on, one of whom doesn’t even live in Chicago but is only staying at her uncle’s place (who isn’t her real uncle anyway) until some stuff blows over in New Jersey, and the other of them not only has no car but isn’t old enough to drive one yet even if he did, or even old enough to have a learner’s permit so he might at least have access to one so long as there’s a licensed driver or even just a person old enough to have her learner’s permit beside him in the death seat when the cop stops him. Or if they had the car. Even if they had the car, where could they go to be alone? To her cousins’? Even if one of them was off practicing swimming at the East Bank Club in the Olympic-size pool, what about the other one? What about Diane, whose boyfriend he actually was supposed to be? Even if neither one of them was at home? You think that’s so easy? How would you handle that one?

“I’m sorry, but it’s not the easiest thing in the world to be young and in love and from out of town and not have access either to a car or an apartment.

“Oh,” she said, “it’s all right, I guess, during the courtship phase, when you’re at the movies, say, and he’s sitting there, holding the tub of buttered popcorn between your Cousin Diane on the one side and you on the other and you reach into the box and accidentally brush his hand. Or you don’t, you put your palm out and he places the popcorn into it piece by piece. Or when you’re both guests at the East Bank Club and you’re both in your bathing suits side by side at one end of the pool holding the stopwatch between you and timing laps and flip turns for your cousin Beverly.

“So don’t think it was so easy for us. Because what they say is so. The course of true love doesn’t run smooth. Or when we were at the Art Institute together standing in front of the nudes. (That’s when we knew. That’s when we first actually realized we were going to need either a car or an apartment.)”

“What is this? What am I listening to here? I’m your father. I’m her father,” I told my wife. “Why is she talking to me like this?”

“So what do you think he did?”

“What do I think he did? He took your cherry. That’s what I think he did.”

“Jerry !” Shelley said.

“Come on, Dad, guess what he did.”

“What did he do?”

“Marvin’s got a friend, Larry. Larry’s big brother works at this motel in Skokie. (It turns out we didn’t even need a car. We decided to take the bus. It took three buses and two transfers to get there. People worry for nothing.) He’s the one who let us into the room. We had our own key and everything. We could use the TV. We could use the air conditioning. He even said we could use the telephone. So long as we didn’t call out and only used the phone to check the time with the motel operator. The only thing, the only thing we weren’t supposed to do was take the spread off the bed, and when we finished we weren’t allowed to use the shower. Because the maid had already made up the room? But it worked out okay. Guess how?”

“You found an extra blanket in the closet and laid it over the bedspread. You decided to use the shower anyway and cleaned up the bathroom yourselves.”

“That’s right!” Connie said. “What did we do about towels?”

“You used that extra blanket. You wiped each other off with it. Then you wiped up the inside of the tub. Then you wiped up the floor.”

“Guess what we did afterward?”

“After you surrendered your cherry and cleaned up the bathroom?”

“That’s right.”

“You thought about calling room service, decided it was too risky, and got a couple of candy bars and some ice and Cokes out of the machines instead.”

“That’s right! Then what?”

I wasn’t trying to be a wise guy and, though she was my daughter, it’s not that I even had any very particular curiosity about it. It was simply clear to me, plain as the nose. As if, yes, this is what a couple of underage twerps would be doing at a time like this. This is how they would kill the time until their embarrassment settled and they felt calm enough to go home.

“That’s right,” she repeated. “Guess then what?”

“You dialed other people’s rooms. You found the motel’s writing paper and envelopes and wrote love letters to each other. You wrote Diane and Beverly postcards and circled your room on the front. You read them out loud. He said ‘Wish you were here’ on his. You laughed but were too frightened to send them and tore them up.”

“Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?” she said. “Then what? Then what?”

“You got more candy out of the machine and watched HBO on the television.”

“Uncle Al Harry told you all this.”

“Al Harry knows all this?”