Stanley Elkin - Mrs. Ted Bliss

And that degree of difficulty was the whole point.

Hey, if it wasn’t, shit, if it wasn’t he could have tossed ten, twenty, thirty bucks to the first bum he saw on the street, said, “Starlight, Starbright,” and made a wish on the damn creep.

But nah, nah. He played by the rules even if they were only his rules. It had to be all done by at least an hour before sunset, Fall back, Spring forward inclusive. And it was having to wait until the last minute that made it exciting. Well, it was in the blood, wasn’t it? Flowing free all up and down his proud red hidalgo.

Still, he hoped the royal reaming he’d just given Mrs. Ted’s old ass hadn’t spooked her to the point where it canceled his reparation. It probably had, though, and now he’d either have to look out for an accident he could stop for, or pull up to some kid selling newspapers at a stoplight, slip him a ten, and then not take the paper.

Sometimes, compulsive superstition could be a pain in the ass. He wondered whether Jaime Guttierez had similar tics. The guy was one of his best pals, but they had never talked about it. Sure, Camerando thought, he must have them. They were compadres — the both of them dashing macho gentlemen spirit sports with a word and code of honor big and wide as a barn door.

He hated his temper, his temperament. It had cost him a wife, a couple of relatives, and not a few friends. Though he personally doubted that was what had gotten him into the loopy tit-for-tat of his life. And, frankly, he didn’t think being Catholic had all that much to do with the endless appeasement that made up at least a part of his days. Even when he’d been a strict observer, confession and penance were things he could do with his soul tied behind his back. In spite of — maybe even because of — the fact that he never really understood those mysteries. To him, God had always seemed something of a pushover. Surely, he thought, reciting all the Our Fathers and Hail Marys in the world didn’t make a dime’s worth of difference to the human heart, and he’d long ago wearied of such pale, puny recompense. What’s more, making restitution to the injured party made as little sense. Why go to the bother of injuring a party if all you had to do to wipe the slate clean was give back his money or restore his health? It slipped all the punches and didn’t do a thing for your character. It was hypocritical, if you want to know.

Yet he’d stung and frightened her, rammed words down her ears that, at that close a range, she couldn’t help but hear even if she was deaf. (And to judge by the size of the hearing aid that hung out of the side of her head like a fucking Walkman, she was plenty deaf!) So what he decided to do, he decided, was make her the beneficiary of a second reparation. She’d been poking her nose, sniffing around his business, trying to get him to spill the goods on his life. All right then, he’d pass up the accidents and paperboys, go straight ahead and rat on himself.

“I know Frache,” he told the old woman, “I know Llossas. I know them all. I’m in with Aspiration de Lopardoso.”

“Aspiration de Lopardoso?”

“You don’t know him?”

She shook her head.

“You didn’t just ask me about de Lopardoso?”

“I never heard of him,” Mrs. Bliss said.

Ay ay ay, Camerando thought. Macho gentleman spirit sport or no macho gentleman spirit sport, he was frankly astonished that he should be sitting beside this particular woman in this particular place. True, she was only one more familiar absolute type of woman. Throw a mantilla around her shoulders or a dark shawl over her head and she could be a stand-in for any widow in the world, any lachrymose madre, ma, or mama who ever was. Any old, enfeebled pietà of a dame crying over the spilled milk of a lost child. Though it was beyond imagining (as it was with so many of that order) how she could have set aside the housework and tatting and nursing of babes ever to have lain still long enough to conceive one, impossible to drum up in her — not love, she was a pillar of love — but the juices of anything like enjoyment or passion. It was for her that the long distance was created, floral remembrances on birthdays and holidays, all the merely token requitals of pure blind will in the service of sacrifice. She was such a dope! So stupid! Running only on instinct without the intelligence or fury to refuse anything to anybody, so simply and purely biological as to once have tumbled out of her silly-ass womb. Up to her eyes in forgiveness and long-suffering and incapable of cutting, or even of recognizing, a loss. Who knew nothing of odds, and believed that, by God, so long as it were her blood, she didn’t care a damn what damage it did! Selfishness like hers — mother selfishness — made guys like him and Auveristas and Chitral and Guttierez pikers. So dumb! Now there was someone who knew how to work the reparations!

But what astonished him, what he couldn’t get past, were their disparate worldviews. By golly, thought Camerando, I am a dashing macho gentleman spirit sport. I am. Next to her I am! I do, too, have a code of honor. I do. Next to her I do!

He knew her type all right. She wasn’t human, she was a cliché quivering in the corner. Of course she was a pillar of love. She was a pillar of love capable of any greed, nastiness, bad manners, gossip, or folly. A patriot only to consanguinity, this cowering special pleader of blood who traded on her revenant, immemorial widowship and mommyhood.

Had she been putting on an act, then? What were all those tears? What had that gasping and shortness of breath been all about, the staggering stutter step when she walked toward his car, or struck her heatstroke poses?

And the odd thing, the odd thing was he liked the woman. She reminded him of his mother. That’s why he felt free to poke about the holes in her character.

While she, in her turn, had poked about his. All her damn questions.

All right, Camerando thought, I’ll turn myself in.

“Do you know, Mrs. Ted, what I do?”

She didn’t. Again, she was without interest and could barely manage to muster the energy to look at him.

“I’m with the jai alai interests,” he said.

He didn’t look at her and couldn’t tell whether she was watching him or even, for that matter, if she’d heard him or, if she had, taken his meaning. “Oh, yes,” he said, “I’m a major jai alai kingpin. From little Rhode Island to South Florida important Basque athletes sit by their phones waiting for my calls. Ditto the greyhounds, so to speak. Ditto almost the little fucking mechanical rabbit.

“What, you don’t believe me? Lady, I could give you tips, make you big winners. Spread your bets around, lay them off wisely, you don’t get impatient or too greedy, I could fix it up pretty good with your life. I could put you in a three-bedroom, two-and-a-half bath, full kitchen, living/dining room area with the convertible screened-in/glassed-in California rooms and a view of Biscayne Bay to knock your eyes out. And this is just starters, openers. I see you in penthouses. I see you in the great gorgeous restricted digs of West Palm. I can do this. Truly. No fooling. What do you say?”

“Sure,” said Mrs. Ted Bliss, “why not?”

She took him at his word. She bet sparingly, did not grow impatient or, at least in a conventional sense, greedy, and two years later was still in the same condo.

She was very proud of this. It became a sort of referent of her character, a means by which she took her moral temperature. Mrs. Bliss knew her stuff. The lessons of those caper crooks in movies was not lost on her, those essentially victimless-crime villains enjoined to hold their horses, to wait out the statute of limitations before they cashed in on their shady bonanzas. Always, in these shows, one or another of the partners couldn’t hold out, snapped, failed the rest, and drew down destruction on their mutual enterprise. And, since she had no other partners, Mrs. Bliss felt all the better about her self-control.