Stanley Elkin - Mrs. Ted Bliss

It was funny; she thought well enough. She knew this. Not much escaped her. The sights were all up and down Collins Avenue, and everywhere else, too. Holmer Toibb was a sight, the big ugly car she rode in, the man who drove it. Mrs. Bliss wished she had words for the words in her head, or that people could read her mind as she had her impressions. But no one could do that, not even Ted. All Ted could do was not judge her. And now, may he rest, he couldn’t do even that. Yet she knew he wasn’t resting, he wasn’t anything. The thing about losing your life was that you lost everyone else’s, too. You lost Marvin’s, you lost Frank’s, you lost Maxine’s. You lost your wife’s, Dorothy’s. By dying, thought Mrs. Ted Bliss, you lost everything. It must be a little like going through bankruptcy. Mrs. Bliss felt as if he’d set her aside. He’d set her aside? Then may she rest, too.

As, in a way, she did. She was. In the presence of a stranger, she was completely calm. If she’d allowed herself to she could have shut out the sights altogether, closed her eyes, and slept. It was only out of politeness that she didn’t, and it was as if they’d exchanged places, as if he were her guest instead of the other way around. She could have offered him coffee, the paper, the use of her phone. She could have broken out the cards and dealt him gin rummy. It was nuts, but that’s how she felt. The least she owed him was conversation.

“Louise Munez tells me you’re thinking of selling,” Dorothy said.

“Selling?”

“Your condominium. When I remember, I say ‘condominium.’ It’s one of the biggest investments we make. Why use slang?”

Mrs. Bliss had no such principles. She was paying him in conversation.

“Louise Munez?”

“Louise Munez. The security guard with the magazines. Very friendly woman with a gun and a nightstick. Talks to everyone. I don’t know where she learns all the gossip she knows but she’s very reliable. Oh, you know her. Elaine Munez’s daughter? No? I thought you did. I don’t think they get along very well. I think she asked to be assigned to One because her mother lives there. She probably does it just to aggravate her. Kids! I know the woman won’t let her live with her. It must be a secret, she never said what. She’s quiet enough about her own business. I don’t know what’s going on. People don’t foul their own nests. Sure, when it comes to their nests mum’s the word.”

She paused and looked sidelong at Camerando. Maybe he had something to contribute to the conversation. No?

“Anyway,” Dorothy continued, “it was Louise Munez who said you’re thinking of selling. The same one who told me your friend Jaime Guttierez bought a big place in West Palm Beach. You’ve been there? I hear it’s nice. Is it nice?”

“Es muy bueno,” Hector Camerando said.

(But restricted? thought Mrs. Bliss. They’ll take a Spaniard or a Mexican over a Jew?)

“Oh,” she said, “you speak Spinach.”

“Spinach?”

“It’s a joke. In the buildings.”

“Si.”

She wondered if he knew what was going on. Her moods this afternoon were giving her fits. Now she was impatient to be home. She could almost have jumped out of her skin. What did they all want from her? Why had he crossed the street and made such a fuss if he was going to act this way? She wasn’t that vulnerable, she wasn’t. Or naive or uninteresting either. If she did need her Mannys and protectors. She was a woman who’d carried a gun. In Chicago, on the first of the month, covering her husband, a Jew Louise.

It was just that Miami alarmed her. The things you read, the things you heard. All the drugs and factions. There was offshore piracy. Yes, and this one had machine guns in the Everglades, and that one slaves in the orange groves, and another sold green cards, phony papers, and everyone practicing the martial arts against the time they could take back their countries.

The Cubans, the Colombians, the Central Americans. The blacks, and the Haitians beneath the blacks. The beach bums and homeless. Thugs, malcontents, and the insane invading from Mariel. And somewhere in there the Jews, throwbacks, who’d once come on vacations and now went there to die. It wasn’t a place, it was a pecking order.

Something sinister in even the traffic, some stalled, oppressive sense of refugee, of the bridge down and the last flight out of wherever (Dear God, couldn’t he go faster? Didn’t he know shortcuts?), and Mrs. Bliss, as much out of distraction and a need to make the time pass, tried to get Camerando to pitch in. She started to ask him questions. (Though, truthfully, were she back in Toibb’s office now, she would have opened her pocketbook, removed the homework she’d been at such pains to prepare, and torn it into a dozen pieces. This was no country for baleboostehs. Her husband was dead, her family scattered. She had no interests!)

“Do you know Susan and Oliver Gutterman?” she said.

Camerando shook his head.

“Enrique Frache? Ricardo Llossas?”

Mrs. Bliss noted the absence of recognition on his face and went on as though she were reading from a prepared list both of them knew was just a formality, so much red tape.

“Vittorio Cervantes? No? What about his wife, Ermalina?”

He shook his head again and again and Mrs. Bliss wondered how much longer he could answer her questions without actually speaking. She would make this the point of the game.

“Carlos and Rita Olvero? They live in your building.”

“I know Carlos,” Hector Camerando said. “We’re not close.”

So much for the point of the game, she thought. And then, remembering what they said on TV, she laughed and said, “Wait, I have a follow-up. Carmen and Tommy Auveristas?”

She hit the jackpot with that one, she broke the bank at Monte Carlo, and suddenly didn’t know whether to be pleased or terrified that they had made contact. It was tiresome to have to acknowledge that one no longer had any interests, yet there was something reassuring and comfortable about it, too. To live by second nature, the seat of your pants.

“Listen,” Camerando exploded, “put up or shut up! What do you know about it anyway? What do you know about anythin’? An old Jew lady cooking soup, making fish! You want some advice? These are your golden years. You should shuffleboard the livelong day. You should tan in the sun till the cows come home! Join the discussion groups. What’s wrong with you, lady? These are your golden years. You shouldn’t leave the game room!”

He’d scared her shitless. And the odd thing, the odd thing was he liked the old woman. When he came out of Rita de Janeiro’s and saw her waiting for her bus he’d been happy to see her, first on her account and then on his. It was already the middle of the afternoon and he hadn’t found an opportunity to make reparation, do his good deed. Well, he thought as he’d seen her waving at him, it’s Mrs. Ted in the nick of time.

Though that part was superstition, the little self-imposed ritual upping the degree of difficulty. Logically, of course, if the time of day made no difference to God it certainly shouldn’t make a difference to Camerando. And if it did (and it did), then maybe none of it made any difference to God. And maybe, too, he could have saved himself the trouble and stopped the whole thing altogether. On the other hand, he thought (though this had occurred more times than he could remember), perhaps God not only wasn’t in it but wasn’t even in on it! Boy, he thought, wouldn’t that be a kick in the nuts?

So he took God out of the equation (Hector Camerando, he scolded, Hector Camerando, you are one good-looking, well-dressed fuck; you can’t lose, can you, Fuck?) and decided for more times than he could remember that he’d been doing it for himself all along.