John Banville - Nightspawn

‘So that’s it,’ I said.

That was it. So simple. He stood up, and put a hand on my shoulder.

‘Now boy, not a word, not another word.’

‘He brushed the ash from his waistcoat, and shuffled out of the room. I downed the half inch of brandy which he had left in his glass, and went out on the landing. He stood at the bottom of the stairs, clad in hunting red, slapping a riding crop against his gleaming boots. Catching sight of me, he threw back his shoulders and roared,

‘Tally hooo.’

He went riding out through the blue room, into the courtyard. There was the sound of him prancing around on the gravel. He came thundering in again, waved his stick at me, did a circle of the hall, and galloped away. I went into the courtyard and sank down beside the parapet of the fountain, with my knees against my chest, and my arms wrapped tightly around my legs. I pressed myself against the cool stonework, and closed my eyes. The fog inside my head had begun to pulse, as though something lay panting at the heart of it. There were footsteps in the gravel. Julian came slowly toward me, his head bowed, his fingers to his chin. He stopped beside me and asked,

Tell me, what date is this?’

‘The twenty-first of April.’

‘Is it? Dear me, how time does fly. I’ve been thinking about poor Nana.’

He glanced at me, and smiled, and sat down on a cane chair near me.

‘But of course,’ he said sadly, and put his hands into the shallow pockets of his cardigan, ‘You never knew her, did you? An exquisite woman. I can’t express how much I miss her, even yet, after all these years.’

He sighed, and shook his head. ‘But you know, it doesn’t seem such a long time to me. Oh I know, the years are there, you can quote figures to me. And there’s Helena, a grown woman, and the boy, growing up so quickly I can’t keep track of him. But I remember Nana as if she had … passed away only yesterday. That time in Cannes, our last visit, when she wore those flowers in her hair, why, she was the prettiest little thing I’d ever seen. The whole resort was raving about her. And I was proud, my, how proud I was. And now she’s gone from me forever.’

He covered his eyes with a hairy hand, and a little sob escaped through his fingers. Cicadas were singing. There was a black bird gliding through slow, swooning circles high in the sky, and I marvelled that any creature at play would execute movements of such perfection, loneliness and grace. I was tired. It surprised me, how tired I was. Now and then, a tiny black shadow, like that of a fly, would flit across the extreme edge of my vision.

‘Does she know?’ I asked, and swung my head around, trying vainly to catch that shadow.

‘What?’ he sobbed. He had not taken his hand from his eyes.

‘That she’s your daughter?’

Then he did look at me.

‘Of course she does,’ he cried. ‘What are you suggesting? How dare you. I won’t take this kind of insinuation from the likes of you. I’m a warm-blooded man, what did you expect, that I would take a vow of chastity? My god, this is disgraceful, coming in here, to my house, and making such grotesque suggestions.’

He jumped up from the chair, and glared at me, his fist clenched and trembling at his sides.

‘I must ask you to leave,’ he said stiffly.

He stalked away. I looked up at the sky again. How blue it was, like their eyes, blue as blue, O god. From an open window above me, a voice came clearly down.

‘Now, boy, since your tutor has deserted you, I think I shall have to take a hand in your education. Today we’re going to talk about word games and puzzles, conundrums, anagrams, that kind of thing. First, anagrams. An anagram is a transposition of letters of a word or phrase to make a new word or phrase. Dog and god is a simple one; then there’s James H. Twinbein, another simple one, a bit amateurish really, but it served its purpose, I suppose. Now —’

‘I’m going to kill you, Julian Kyd,’ I screamed.

A resounding silence answered me. I lay down on the gravel, and wept. Tears brought no comfort. I picked myself up, and crawled into the house, and up the stairs. I found them in Yacinth’s room, sitting by the desk. The boy was bent over a paper, writing swiftly, smiling, with that smile, so perfect, so absorbed, a thing which seemed to exist, like himself, like music, without reference to anything else in the world. I stopped behind him, trying to hold my breath. Julian sat sideways at the desk, with his legs crossed, smoking the butt end of his cigar. Yacinth glanced over his shoulder, and the smile faded. He set down his pen, left the chair, and walked silently out of the room. I watched him go. Julian chuckled softly, eyeing me with amusement.

‘You pig,’ I said.

‘Pardon?’

‘You heard me.’

He jammed a finger into his ear and wagged it vigorously up and down.

‘Going a bit deaf these days,’ he muttered.

‘Pig,’I shouted.

He laughed.

‘Come now, Benjamin. Don’t pretend that you’re so concerned about her. If it doesn’t trouble her, why should it trouble you? Anyway, I’ve heard that your own past is not without its … bizarre moments.’

‘I loved her.’

He turned to the window to hide his smile.

‘Did you? No, I hardly think so. You considered her stupid, isn’t that true? Not that I would disagree for a moment, mind you.’

He drew toward him the paper on which Yacinth had been writing, and read a few lines, his lips moving, his eyebrows raised.

‘I think,’ he murmured, still with his eyes on the page, ‘I think, Benjamin, that we both know who it was that you really wanted. Don’t we?’

There was a distant tinkling of music. He paused, and turned his ear toward it, grinning up at me.

‘It was —’

‘Shut up,’ I cried.

‘Hnn,’ he sighed in delight. ‘A shocking suggestion, you think? But it’s true. Helena was just a … what would I say? … a stand-in. Not a very elegant definition, hut I think it sums up the situation, eh?’

I stared at the floor, at my feet braced on the floor. The fog dispersed in my head, and I saw, down at the end of that long tunnel of the past, a night, and a hillside; trees murmured; the sea was not far; I heard my voice telling a story about myself to a faceless figure, who kept his peace, as he always did, and listened, receiving my secrets in silence. Julian was speaking again.

‘God knows, I would not have cared. I didn’t care about Helena. But you did nothing, made no moves. I wonder why, Benjamin? Not morals, surely, for I don’t think that you have any.’

‘What?’ I said. ‘What are you talking about?’

I grasped the back of the chair, and sat down slowly. Julian tapped his fingers on the desk. I rubbed my eyes, and gathered my poor forces. Jesus, they made one tattered army.

‘Julian, I want that document.’

‘But I paid good money for it,’ he said softly, reasonably, showing me his palms. ‘Friend Knight does not operate for what is known, I believe, as peanuts.’

‘I want it.’

‘Yes, I know you do, but I need it. The army is going to take over today, and they will ruin me unless I can blackmail them. You do see that, don’t you? It’s an impossible situation. If things were not as they are … Benjamin, I know you won’t believe this, but I like you, I’d like to help you. But what can I do?’

‘I hope you rot.’

‘I shall, some day. Look, you have one chance. Come with me.’

He led me swiftly through corridors, down the stairs, and to a room at the back of the house, where a door was open on the garden. At the far side of the lawn, Helena stood, with her back toward us, pruning a little tree with a pair of gleaming secateurs. We stopped in the doorway.