Javier Marias - The Man of Feeling

Dato paused to take a sip of his drink. Although he had just begun what appeared to be a litany of complaints, his voice, his gestures, his ingratiating smile had barely altered. It was as if he too were reciting something — a lamentation, the introduction to an aria. And there was not the slightest trace of mockery in his voice, nor even irony. He took that woman utterly seriously and felt no rancour either, perhaps because — or so I thought — she seemed to be his sole occupation in life, even if he would rather she were not.

"The only place in the world where she used to feel comfortable, where she didn't need anything, not even me ( volontiers ), the only place where she had independent memories that predated her disastrous marriage, was Madrid, where she comes from and from where she was uprooted some twelve or fifteen years ago and where, up until only a few months ago, her brother used to live. Whenever we came to Madrid (and since Manur & Co. has traditionally had many dealings here, we used to come here frequently), I could have a rest and devote myself to other things. Señor Manur, as he always is everywhere, would be busy with his many financial deals (he's a banker, you see), and Natalia, his wife (her name's Natalia, you see), would spend all day with her brother. That was the only time when she seemed happy, when she seemed almost to have forgotten her melancholy and seemed almost indifferent to Manur, indeed she was almost nice to Manur when their paths occasionally crossed in the hotel lobby or when they had to go out to some formal supper, to which her brother, Monte, would nearly always go along too. And now what? Monte is no longer in Madrid, he's gone to live in South America (South America of all places!), and for the three days we've been here, Natalia has been even more unhappy and depressed than ever; it's the first time she's been to Madrid without Monte being here, and she's even more bored and lethargic and miserable than she usually is (and for two reasons now), and just at a time when my reserves are at an all-time low, when I simply don't know how to distract her or even how to bring a smile to her face, least of all during those formal suppers. I simply don't know what to say to her any more. I can be quite resourceful when I put my mind to it, you know. I can be extremely resourceful, but she knows all my jokes, all my pithy sayings, the kind of remark I'm likely to come out with, she can even tell when I'm about to make some quip. She knows all my mechanisms and she knows the city, well, she was born here. I can't take her to the Prado or to the Plaza Mayor as if it were a novelty for her. And I haven't got anyone else to fall back on: she's lost contact with all the friends from her youth, because she left here when she was nineteen or twenty, and anyway everyone's always so busy; she hasn't written to or phoned anyone in years and you have to make an effort to keep in touch; all she knows is that in this city, her own city, she doesn't exist: she only used to exist (when she came here) through Monte. She knows the people her brother introduced her to, but they won't want to see her without her brother, you know what social conventions are like and how lacking in curiosity most people are. And I'm finding that here, where I used to have a break, a break from being a companion, I have to work and strain my imagination to the limit; I have to be with her almost all the time, especially during her interminable walks around areas she has probably seen thousands of times before and knows like the back of her hand. It wears me out I'm too old for all that walking. And besides, Madrid, when it wants to be, is a very hostile city, and here I am obliged to spend hours at a time walking through this hostile city; walking and stopping again and again (she's always looking at shop windows and buildings), which is the most tiring part of all. What was traditionally my rest period has become the worst time and the worst journey of the year."

Dato finished his second glass of whisky and asked for a single. The suppressed agitation with which he had been speaking seemed to have caused his voluminous, curly hair to fill out or rise. There was still no one else in the hotel bar, just him and me sitting before the invisible presence of the barman. Dato pointed towards the door with one of his small, eighteenth-century hands.

"In a few moments, she'll appear at that door and she won't let me go to bed or continue my conversation with you. No, she'll ask me or, rather, order me to go for a last walk around the block with her, because it's such a fine evening, or she'll want to have a drink with me somewhere so that she can tell me what a terrible time she's had over supper (tonight Señor Manur has taken her to a supper for wives and husbands, part business engagement, part formal supper). And meanwhile he, Señor Manur, will go off to bed so that he can rise refreshed in the morning and dedicate himself busily to his many tasks and occupations. And since I'm no use to him whatsoever (for that's the truth of the matter), he can manage perfectly well without my purely theoretical services; Manur can do everything without my help and I serve a far more useful purpose, a far more valuable role, keeping Natalia company and making sure she doesn't get bored and doesn't suffer and isn't entirely miserable. Do you understand? Do you see? I am a companion, nothing more, and both of them, Natalia and Manur, know that that is what I'm paid to do, and they make that quite clear. And I know it too. So you see, you complain about being too alone; I, on the other hand, complain about having too much company. You complain that your life is too scattered and diverse; I, on the other hand, complain that my life is too concentrated and monotonous. Keeping Natalia Manur company, that is what my life has been these last few years, that is the actual content of my present existence. She's a lovely person, of course, if somewhat on the melancholy side, but only a husband or a lover or possibly a brother can keep a woman company indefinitely and unconditionally, don't you think? And I am not her husband or her lover or her brother. Señor Manur is her husband and Monte is her brother, and she, incredible though it may seem, has no lovers. It's completely illogical in her situation, but that, alas, is how it is."

Dato had spoken these last words with utter conviction, as if — as I think now — he were using them to provoke my incredulity.

"How can you be so sure? Does she really tell you everything?" I asked with due incredulity.

"Well, I don't know if she tells me everything, but, in a way, anything she doesn't tell me doesn't really exist. If it doesn't exist for me, then it doesn't exist for Señor Manur either, and if it doesn't exist for him, then it doesn't exist for me. Do you see what I mean?"

"Not really."

Dato did not seem to have any sense at all that he might be talking too much. In this morning's dream, throughout this repeated conversation, he struck me as a patient and determined man. Determined to tell me, patiently and all in good time, anything I did not know.

"Señor Manur is the one who pays my salary, and, as you can imagine, he expects me to pass on to him any important news regarding his wife. He takes it for granted that if anyone knows what does or does not happen to Natalia Manur, that person is me (since I have been her almost constant companion and probably her only confidant for several years now, he has absolutely no doubt that that person is me). At the same time, Natalia knows what my obligations and loyalties, both theoretical and official, entail, and you will say to me (quite rightly) that she won't tell me anything that she doesn't want Señor Manur to know. Looked at from the other side, though, he assumes that I will know everything about Natalia, at least everything of importance. And since I don't know that she has any lovers (which, generally speaking, is something one would deem to be a fact of some importance), the only possible conclusion one can draw is that she does not. Because the truth is that, suppositions apart, I only know what she tells me. That is all I can know and all I can be expected to know. Now do you see what I mean?"