Tariq Ali - The Stone Woman

By the time you receive this letter I will be dead and buried. It is now over thirty years since I left Istanbul. Do you remember what you said to me that morning when I told you how desolate I felt? You gave me a cold, deadly smile and said: “You leave me with a broken heart, but a heavy purse, Suleman. I am sure one will take care of the other.” I never forgot those words. How could you be so vicious, Sara? And so accurate.

Your father was generous. You were angry. I knew you wanted me to say that if there was a danger of our children being born with an ailment then we would not have any, but I was frightened that you might grow to resent me later and become bitter because I had prevented you from becoming a mother. This last sentence occurred to me only now, Sara. It’s not the truth. Once you acquire the habit of speaking untruths, it is difficult to do otherwise, even for a dying man, but I am determined to break the habit here and now.

After all these years I still find it difficult to accept that I was so easily swayed by your father’s generosity. You accused me of cowardice and treachery for betraying the love you had so freely given me. You were not wrong.

I do not believe your parents invented the story of the disease to stop our marriage. My own father confirmed that it was a serious problem, though my mother was equally insistent that there was nothing definite and that many marriages had resulted in children who were fine. She accepted, however, that it was a risk.

It is no consolation to either of us now, but I want you to know that all my life I have regretted leaving Istanbul. I wish I had taken the risk, Sara. I wish. I wish. Your Uncle Sifrah tells me you have a beautiful daughter. That makes me especially happy. I have not had the same luck. I know what you’re thinking. Ugliness produces ugliness, in character as well as features. As you will have noticed, the bearer of this letter may have some qualities, but he is certainly not pleasing to the eye. He takes after his mother’s brothers who are shysters and rogues, growing rich by robbing their own people.

In Damascus and Istanbul we tended to help each other. Not in this hell. When I first arrived here with “a broken heart, but a heavy purse”, I was recommended to stay with a family of Polish Jews who had escaped here ten years ago from the pogroms against their people. I took the kindness I was shown by this family at face value. They were very nice to me as they attempted to relieve me of the heavy purse and soothe my wounded heart. They pressured me into marrying their oldest daughter, Tamara, and once I had succumbed (it was convenience, desperation and loneliness, Sara, nothing more; it never affected my love for you) I found that my purse was getting lighter by the day. I hired a studio and started painting portraits. Slowly my fame spread and when Mr Rockefeller asked me to paint him, I realised I would be comfortable for the rest of my life. But what good is material comfort, Sara, when one’s emotional and spiritual cupboard is bare?

All the time I was suffering at the thought of having lost you, I wished you nothing but happiness. My own pleasures were casual, usually in my studio with some of the women who liked to pose for me. I found the lure of young flesh irresistible.

I had to find a different venue when my wife and her brothers burst in one day and surprised me with a woman. They did not harm me, but they marked the poor girl for life by carving her left cheek with a knife. I remember thinking of you after that incident and wondering what you would think if you could see how low I had sunk.

I write you all this so you know that life has punished me enough for the mistake I made thirty years ago. In this packet you will find the sketches I did of you in Istanbul and which I always treasured and used to inspect in secret to ease the misery and remember our time together. It was short, but it was the happiest period of my life. Remember that day in your father’s library when you found the story of the Prophet Bilan and the Moabites and we laughed and laughed? That is another thing that disappeared from my life. Laughter.

I am also sending you a tiny oil portrait I painted of you from memory. Your child or grandchildren might like it as a memento. They are my last gifts to you, Sara. I hope you will forgive me.

Suleman

I looked at the sketches and the oil portrait of my mother. The sketches were very lively, with a lot of movement and one of them showed a bare breast. The miniature portrait was painted on a deep crimson background and my mother’s eyes were very sad. It must have been the last time he saw her and the memory stayed with him.

“Leave them with me, child. You can have them after I’ve gone. Poor Suleman! Trapped for eternity. I do feel sorry for him and sad, but he wrecked his own life and mine.”

“You had me, Mother Sara. Me! Was that nothing?”

She clung to me in an emotional embrace. “You have been everything, child. Everything. Without you I, too, might have been dead by now. We must never tell these people that you are his daughter. The thought of your being related to that fat boy makes me feel ill.”

“He might still end up in our family. Memed, Salman and, I now see, the Baron are going to do their best to marry him off to one of Uncle Kemal’s daughters!”

My mother’s laughter was uncontrolled. She could not contain herself. I gave her some water and we joined the other group.

“Monsieur Jo, I thank you for bringing me such an important packet all the way from New York. Have you a photograph of your mother and the rest of your family?”

Jo shook his head. “I travel light, madame, especially in the summer.”

Each note of the Baron’s laugh was false. “Very sensible. I was saying to young Jo that, on his return from Damascus, he must stop and meet Kemal Pasha in Istanbul. Jo is a lawyer, you know, Sara, and could be very helpful if Kemal is starting up a steamship company.”

Jo nodded vigorously. “I specialise in business and commerce. I can help a great deal, especially at the New York end. It will be a pleasure to meet Kemal Pasha when I return. I have no real desire to visit Damascus. They tell me it’s very dusty and unpleasant in the summer, but my father’s family is still there and I must pay my respects to them.”

“Oh yes,” said Salman. “And they’ll be very happy to see you. It will come as a real surprise to them, especially since you look nothing like your father.”

“Why don’t you stay for dinner?” asked Memed.

This was going much too far and we all glared at him, but mercifully Jo had other plans and the coachman needed to return to the city tonight.

After he had left we all burst out laughing. My mother was a bit shaken, but not as much as I had imagined. She looked at her brother-in-law.

“Will you succeed, Memed?”

“If all of you help me, I think it can be done. The fat fool is not religious at all, which is good. He could be bribed and flattered to convert to our faith. We can pay a eunuch to dress as the Sultan and as the Caliph of our faith, and he can personally convert Jo the Ugly into Ibrahim the Worthy. Are we all agreed? Good. Iskander must be won over tonight. Kemal should be pleased with our plan. Jo the Ugly will return to Istanbul in January. Let us mark the next century with his wedding. Who knows but that the next hundred years might well be the years of people like Jo the Ugly. I’m so glad we’re agreed. This has been such a productive day for me, Baron.”

“I’m pleased to hear it, Memed. I do worry sometimes that your intellect is not receiving sufficient stimulation.”

When I entered mother’s room later that day she was sitting on the floor looking at the oil portrait.

“Would you rather be alone?”