Wang Anyi - The Song of Everlasting Sorrow

Sasha rose to his feet in silence and left the room, softly closing the door behind him before descending the stairs.

Sasha was truly in a wretched state. He could not understand how everything had happened, but somehow his world had suddenly been turned upside down. One might be tempted to think that Sasha, being a half-breed, was heartless. But deep down, half-breeds also have feelings and know right from wrong. He realized that Wang Qiyao had entrapped him and this enraged him, but he also pitied her. He walked briskly along the street, aimlessly, utterly frustrated. Everyone else looked happier than he was. He could not obliterate from his mind the image of Wang Qiyao’s face, bloated, tear-stained, and marred by freckles from her pregnancy. And though he knew that her tears were aimed at trapping him, he still felt sorry for her. Tears welled up in his eyes and he felt haunted by an oppressive feeling.

He eventually grew tired from walking, his stomach started growling from hunger, and his throat was parched. He bought himself a piece of cake and a bottle of soda; he had to return the bottle to the vendor, so he ate standing next to the counter. He heard someone referring to him as “foreigner,” which gave him a certain satisfaction. His spirits lifting a little, he returned the bottle and decided to visit a woman from Russia he was friends with. Her place was several trolley stops away. The trolley bell cheered him up. It had turned out to be a beautiful day, the sun still bright at four in the afternoon.

When he got to her door, he was greeted by the odor of floor polish. Inside, all the furniture was pushed against the walls, chairs were placed upside down on the table, and the floor was as shiny as a mirror. The Russian woman was so happy to see him that she lifted him up in her arms and set him down in the middle of the room. She took a few steps back, declaring that she wanted to take a good look at him. Standing in the middle of the shiny floor, Sasha looked small, like a puppet. She commanded him to stand still and, humming a Russian song, danced around him. The whirling and twirling left Sasha a little dizzy and impatient. Laughingly, he ordered her to stop. Then he moved to the sofa and lay down. He was so tired he could scarcely open his eyes. With his eyes closed, he felt the warmth of the sun on his face and the sweetness that comes with fatigue; he also felt the woman’s exploratory fingers on his body, but he was too exhausted to respond and fell fast asleep. When he woke, the room was dark; only the hall was lit. Smells of onions in borscht wafted from the kitchen, a greasy, pungent odor. His friend was talking in whispers with her husband to avoid waking him up. The furniture had been put back in place and the floor gave off a dark luster. His nose twitched and large teardrops fell from the corners of his eyes.

The following day, Sasha returned to see Wang Qiyao, They were both calmer. Sasha volunteered to find her a woman doctor if she wanted.

“Let’s just stick with that male doctor,” Wang Qiyao conceded. “At this point, what difference does it make if it’s a man or a woman?”

They exchanged smiles in which there was more than a hint of bitterness. After making an appointment, they returned to the same hospital, but this time they went in two pedicabs, Sasha in one and Wang Qiyao in the other. It was the same doctor, but this time he saw her at the outpatient clinic. He appeared to have forgotten all about the prior visit, asking Wang Qiyao the same set of questions, then telling her to leave a urine sample. As Wang Qiyao stepped out of the clinic, she noticed Sasha behind her.

“You are afraid I’ll get lost again, aren’t you?” she asked.

Sasha smiled, but did not turn back into the clinic, choosing instead to wait for her outside the door. A parade of women passed before him, some of them pregnant. Perhaps owing to his experience with Wang Qiyao, his mind began to wander and he imagined that every one of those women was dealing with the same unspeakable problems, in the face of which they all stood helpless. The thought oppressed him. Wang Qiyao returned only to say she had to go to the lab, and asked him to wait. She disappeared at the end of the hallway with the air of someone who had already accepted her fate. The arrangements went smoothly and a date for the operation was set. As it was noon by the time they left the hospital, she suggested lunch, and Sasha agreed. Being unfamiliar with the area, they walked around aimlessly for a while. The steeple rising from the Xujiahui Catholic church stood proudly against the blue sky, its sight filling them with solemnity. After walking on for some time, they finally found a restaurant and went in.

Once seated, Sasha said lunch was on him. Wang Qiyao said she clearly should be paying today, why should he pay? Sasha threw her a glance and asked why she should pay— he clearly should be paying. She was a little shaken by her own carelessness — she had nearly given herself away. She pretended to yield to him but figured he probably did not have the money anyway. They ordered a few dishes and chatted about nothing in particular.

“Will the operation hurt?” Sasha asked abruptly.

Wang Qiyao was taken aback. She said that she did not know either, but it couldn’t possibly be as painful as giving birth.

“How does it compare with having a tooth pulled?” Sasha asked. Wang Qiyao laughed. “How could you make such a comparison?” She appreciated Sasha’s concern, but couldn’t pass up an opportunity to mock him. “It’s not a tooth, you know?”

At this point, the dishes arrived and they started to eat.

“Of all the food I have ever had, those meals you made for me were the best,” remarked Sasha.

Wang Qiyao accused him of only saying such things to flatter her, but he insisted that he meant every word of it — her cooking stood out, not because she used expensive ingredients or made unusual dishes, but because it was home cooking, the kind that one could eat day in and day out and never tire of.

“Of course those dishes were home-cooked, what else could they be? Food made by vagabonds?” joked Wang Qiyao.

“You put it perfectly,” Sasha replied. “Perhaps you don’t believe it, but people like me lead lives that can only be described as vagabond.”

“Of course, I don’t believe you,” Wang Qiyao said.

Ignoring her, Sasha continued, “I am busy from morning till night, acting like I have a hundred places to go, but that’s only because I really don’t have anywhere to go…. My heart is unsettled; I can’t sit still anywhere for long. I feel like there is this fire burning under my seat, and so I have to get up and go. . ”

“What about your grandmother’s place?” Wang Qiyao asked.

Sasha shook his head with a dejected air, but didn’t say a word. Wang Qiyao felt sorry for him but could not think of what to say to comfort him. They ate the rest of the meal in silence. When it came time to pay, Wang Qiyao matter-of-factly took out her pocketbook.

To her surprise, Sasha was furious. “Wang Qiyao, do you really think so poorly of me? I may not be rich, but I can still afford to take a woman out to lunch.”

Wang Qiyao’s cheeks burned and she managed only to stammer, “This is really for me to take care of.”

She was taking an enormous risk with those words, and her eyes betrayed a glimmer of guilt. Sasha held her hand with the money in it, his face suddenly suffused with gentleness.

“This is a man’s business,” he said softly.

Wang Qiyao did not argue with him. After he paid the waiter, they left the restaurant in silence, each barely able to fight back the tears.

As the day of the operation was approaching, Sasha received a call from an aunt in Russia asking him to meet her in Peking. He suggested that Wang Qiyao postpone the operation for a few days until his return, but Wang Qiyao insisted on going ahead with it without him. She told him not worry, explaining that it wasn’t really a big deal.