Wang Anyi - The Song of Everlasting Sorrow

“Wang Qiyao,” he said. “I shall be good to you.”

His words were hardly reassuring, but they did come straight from his heart. Even so, Kang Mingxun realized he had offered her no future to speak of, and he started to weep. Still crying herself, Wang Qiyao saw that he was truly pained, and this made her feel much better. Gradually, her tears stopped. Looking around her, she saw how the single lamp in the room threw off more shadows than light. She had not realized this when she was by herself, but it certainly looked sad and lonesome with the two of them there.

She smiled through her tears and said, “Really, there is no need to hold back. A woman like me is content to be able to simply live in peace. How dare I wish for more? Even if heaven helps me through today, I must still face tomorrow. The monks may have run off, but the temple isn’t going anywhere.”

“By the same token,” said Kang Mingxun, “what kind of man can I call myself? I’m forced to address my own mother as Second Mother as if she’s not even my real flesh and blood. I eke out a living anyhow, and have only myself to rely on. How dare I entertain any high hopes?”

Wang Qiyao sighed deeply. “I daresay you men want too much out of life. It is all very well to give up sesame seeds for watermelons, but I’m afraid you might end up giving up watermelons for sesame seeds.”

Kang Mingxun also heaved a long sigh. “If men demand a lot from life, then it’s because women demand so much of them. Women make demands on us, but where can we men go to make our demands? In reality, men have the least control over their own lives.”

She scoffed at this. “Who is making demands on you?”

“Not you, certainly,” he said. Then he fell silent.

“I do have one demand. .” Wang Qiyao spoke after a long pause. “I want your heart.”

Kang Mingxun lowered his head. “I would like to give it to you. . but I’m afraid I may not be able to.”

With those words, Kang Mingxun placed all his cards on the table. He had given fair warning and drawn a line between the two of them. Without intending it, Wang Qiyao flashed a frosty smile. “Relax, you needn’t worry.”

This was the night that the curtain would rise and all would be revealed. Unsatisfactory as it was, it was nevertheless a new beginning. It was a step forward, but also a step backward, as they made concessions to the reality of their circumstances. They had each laid out their conditions before jumping in, but they were also going ahead without considering all the consequences. Their objectives were clear; at the same time they were making things up as they went along. There was a certain amount of self-deception, of taking the easy way out, and compromises were arrived at solely because of a lack of willpower. Alone and at loose ends, with equally bleak prospects, this man and this woman, mutually attracted and sharing genuine sympathy, had chosen to grasp the happiness at hand. They sacrificed their future prospects, knowing full well that their happiness would be empty and transitory. After all, life flows like water through one’s fingers, and eternity is but an illusion. Once we have come to terms with that, nothing else really matters.

Having realized that all her hopes were in vain, Wang Qiyao oddly felt a kind of relief. Kang Mingxun’s love for her, slight as it was, was like a consolation prize in the midst of complete debacle. By contrast, having won Wang Qiyao’s love at little cost to himself, Kang Mingxun felt indebted. His heart was heavy as he emerged from her apartment and rode home on his bicycle through the dark quiet streets. Though he had been planning this night for a long time, its arrival still caught him unprepared. There were many things he had not thought through ahead of time, but it was now too late to make amends. Whatever happened was now water under the bridge.

As they lay intertwined in bed, Wang Qiyao asked Kang Mingxun how he had found out about her background. Rather than give a straight answer, he asked her how she discovered that he knew. Knowing that he would not rest until she confessed, she reminded him of the afternoon tea when he had suddenly brought up, in loving detail, the Miss Shanghai beauty contest of 1946. She knew then that he must know her identity, and that their love affair was doomed.

Clasping her close, Kang Mingxun asked, “But aren’t we a couple now?”

Wang Qiyao responded with a chilly smile. “Yeah, a couple of wild ducks. .”

Realizing his faux pas, he released her and turned away.

Wang Qiyao snuggled against him from behind and asked softly, “Upset, are you?”

Kang Mingxun stayed still for awhile. At length, he told her how, having been brought up by Mother, he was always shy with his own birth mother. He especially dreaded being alone in a room with her, and was always looking for an excuse to get away. He felt terrible whenever he reflected on this. Second Mother had taught him all about suffering. Finally he said that in all the twenty years he spent with Second Mother, he had never talked to her the way he had talked with Wang Qiyao tonight. Wang Qiyao drew his head toward her bosom and stroked his hair tenderly. She not only loved him, she cared enough to put herself in his place.

“I know no one could possibly compare with you,” Kang Mingxun said. “But there is nothing I can do.”

These words “nothing I can do” took on a new desolation this time. Everyone has an abyss that he cannot get across: he had never dreamt his was going to be like this. He truly had no idea what to do. Wang Qiyao told him soothingly that she would love him until the day he married; on his wedding day she would be a bridesmaid and then never see him again.

“Are you trying to kill me?” Kang Mingxun said. “How could I bear being with someone else the day I part with you?”

Even in jest, they could not avoid hurting each other, and the teasing would always end in tears.

They were extremely discreet, getting together only at hours that did not raise suspicion, but there was no way they could have escaped Madame Yan’s detection. She had been keeping an eye on them from the start and had a pretty good handle on the nature of their relationship as it started to develop. She blamed herself for having unwittingly brought them together. She blamed Kang Mingxun for not listening to her. Most of all, she blamed Wang Qiyao for throwing caution to the winds and landing all three of them in hot water. She wanted to scream at her: “Even if Kang Mingxun didn’t know what you are, there’s no way you could pretend not to know!”

Her guess was that Wang Qiyao was a former taxi dancer or a nightclub girl who had to go into hiding now that the world had changed. Madame Yan felt ill-used — she had considered Wang Qiyao a friend with whom she could share her nostalgia for a bygone world, but who now revealed herself as selfish and greedy. At the cost of giving up her beloved mahjong games, she stopped visiting Wang Qiyao, citing different excuses. Needless to say, Wang Qiyao and Kang Mingxun knew why she had stopped coming. Sasha, on the other hand, kept up his visits, whether oblivious of the situation or pretending not to have noticed, and thus became both a nuisance and a convenient smokescreen for the lovers. Once Wang Qiyao asked Kang Mingxun whether Madame Yan might tell his family about their relationship, to which he replied not to worry, that he would simply deny everything and then they would have no recourse. Wang Qiyao greeted this with silence.

After a long pause, she said, “If you deny everything with me too, what recourse will I have?”

“Whether I deny it or not, there is still nothing we can do about our situation.” Wang Qiyao was disarmed by his candor. Kang Mingxun assured her, “Whatever happens, you will always be in my heart.”