Nadine Gordimer - A Sport of Nature

Ruthie followed as if she had planned it all herself. Now she could put a hand out and place it over Hillela’s, a parental blessing bestowed upon a bowed head. — Hillela, I’m so glad you’ve really lived. I knew you’d be well taken care of by my family but at the same time I felt ashamed that it would mean you’d grow up like them, and never know anything different. Every time I remembered you I thought that. It would come upon me suddenly in the most unlikely moments, moments when it seemed that the things I was doing, the things that were happening to me — they made it impossible that what I left behind in Johannesburg had ever existed, that I had ever been Olga and Pauline’s sister and Grandpa Hillel’s favourite granddaughter and married someone under a canopy.—

The first touch in twenty-nine years. Her hand was trapped under the stranger’s palm and neither turned to let the palms meet nor slid away.

— I know it couldn’t have been all honey. But I can see — you wouldn’t expect it to be. I don’t know you — don’t think I’m pretending to know you, I can’t — but I am your mother. The blood’s the same. You have a child of your own. And this man, I hear he’s some kind of politician, someone important — does he love you? Do things go well between you?—

If you never have had a mother you never have been asked such questions. She was smiling, conceding a right that didn’t exist. — Things go very well. We’ll soon be living in his own country.—

— You’ve turned out so good-looking, Hillela. And clever, I can tell. You remind me of Pauline when she was young — a certain look around the eyes.—

The eyes: that was the moment to ask the question. But did it matter, any longer, whether she was Len’s daughter or the child of Vasco; abandoned or abandoner, both were gone. No need to invent a reason for her particular kind of existence taken in among antiques or bedding down with a cousin (the blood the same), when for her, too, all that had happened to her made it impossible that what was left behind, there, had ever existed?

— Will you show me the photograph of the little girl? I need proof to believe I’m a grandmother!—

— Of course. I’ll fetch it for you.—

She ignored the elevator, raced up the stairs and the room was staring at her as she burst in and took the leather frame from the dressing-table. It was a double frame that balanced ajar like a book; on the side facing the namesake, laughter-dents in her cheeks and her arms raised joyfully, was a photograph of Hillela and Whaila with the baby in the crook of his arm. It had not been looked at for a long time, although it was there on the dressing- or bedside-table in every hotel room and in the duffle bag that lay among the guns and grenades in. the farmhouse. Whaila, thirty-eight years old for ever in the garden of Britannia Court, the light catching his strong slender forearm with the watch there, distinctly, and the lines of pain in his smile that struck deep and never faded from the print. She slipped the photograph out from beneath the plastic window and clumsily, tremblingly, put it in a drawer. The veins of her neck swelled and for a moment the room lurched in tears.

The woman had the good family manners to know she had stayed long enough; she had left the patio and was waiting in the lobby. She studied the namesake, considering fondly; maybe considering what to say, it was hard to find resemblances not blotted out by blackness. — She’s an adorable little girl.—

They stood seeing together the daughter’s daughter, smiling politely.

Hillela took back the photograph only for a moment. — Here, Ruthie, you have it.—

The General said of course she must come and live with them. — Your mother is our mother. She will have her own quarters in our house, or her own house, same as my mother.—

— She’s Ruthie. I don’t know her, I’ve never lived with her. I might as well take in anyone.—

This had no significance for the General. Among his people most children were brought up by grandmothers or other kin as well as or in place of their mothers — anyone who performed the function shared the title: the mother remained the mother. — Hillela, you’re not adopted?—

— Well, I was — but not by Ruthie.—

— Then she’s your mother, even if you don’t know her face. I don’t care. We look after our elders.—

— But even if we had a house—

— You will have a house soon, a house you can’t imagine, a house with I forget how many — fifteen, sixteen rooms — And the thought of regaining his official residence roused him, so that he pressed the breath out of her and kissed her with his hands encompassing her head, as he had held it at the beginning, to examine it for hurt.

— If we really want to do something …—

— Of course. You must look after your mother.—

— D’you think we could get a cheap ticket to Europe? I don’t believe she’s ever been. Even if it were only to Portugal — she Speaks Portuguese, apparently.—

— That’s easy, if that’s what you want. Airlines must make sure all eventualities are covered. — He was laughing, zestfully packing his bag to go back to his bush capital. — TAP wants to keep its landing rights if a change of regime is coming.—

Hillela had no address; it had not been pressed upon her, must have been clear in her face or manner that she would not know how to find any reason for another meeting. She went to the housekeeper to ask where Mrs Nunes lived. — You can h’ask for ’er at the Continental, madam, that’s where she works. — No, her address at home. Do you know when her day off is? — Like me, she’s off work Thursdays — tomorrow, you see, I’m not ’ere. — The housekeeper wrote a few lines on the torn-off border of a newspaper. — Is it far? — There’s a bus, madam — but you take a taxi.—

The General had left by the time the crows were squabbling on the balcony ledge in the early morning. It always was a day or so before she took possession of the deserted room again. The hearth-fire of the bed had gone out, cold. Hillela dressed, approached the/couple of taxis that leaned night and day against the kerb outside the hotel; and then went on walking. The heat of the day had not yet risen; there was a shimmer of humidity and the smell of salty wet stone and oil from the docks; the concrete of Tema rose from the waves, underfoot again, and sank away. She meant to walk in the direction of the fort, which she vaguely knew was that of the quarter indicated on the slip of newspaper in her bag, and pick up a taxi after she had had a breath of air, but she kept walking while the cross-wind on the causeway road that connected the town with the restinga , where the beaches were, blew about her its scarves and veils. The road to the fort hung as a slack, snaked rope from the walls. The Portuguese built their fortresses as indestructibly as the Danes and they have survived to be put to use everywhere on the coasts of Africa by successive powers, housing governors-general or colonial militia, and, at last, black heads of state or their army headquarters: the stony armour fits everyone, imperialist and revolutionary, capitalist and Marxist. She saw the fort up ahead with its great incongruously voluptuous bouquet of bougainvillea at the portal, then passed beneath it, and looked back once at it high behind her. She had not been up there, although she moved in official circles; Neto did not live in his palace as Nkrumah had done in Christiansborg, outside whose walls grass covered a grave: I saw the face of freedom … and I died . Military vehicles were tilting down the steep road and showering her with dust: this was army headquarters.

At the other end of the causeway road she stopped someone riding a bicycle and showed him the slip of newspaper. He gabbled directions in Portuguese, but her vivid incomprehension and feminine friendliness roused him to make further efforts and he drew her a map in the dust. She turned left, and then left again, passing rows of tiny pink, bright blue, acid-green and yellow facades like children’s, iced birthday-cake houses. Pastel picket fences enclosed minute spaces of sand. The streets seemed deserted; row after row, pink, blue, green, yellow. Pleasure houses; places to store surfboards and waterskis and barbecue grills for prawns, doll’s houses where one could keep a girl, even, and visit her during the week when families were back in town.