Nicholas Mosley - Hopeful Monsters

'Oh yes, that's right!'

'I'm glad you say so.'

Stefan had come to the cafe with Rudi. I thought — Of course, they are living together: like the two Ugly Sisters.

I said 'Stefan says you've got a letter for me.'

'I've got something to ask you first.'

'Oh I know!'

'I understand why you ran away: why you never got in touch with us.'

'Have you got my letter?'

'Stefan says you may know what happened to some property of mine — '

'Have you got my letter?'

Rudi took a letter out of his pocket and held it up in front of him. I could see that the name on the envelope was, yes, in the handwriting of my father. There was a different writing for the address. I was not sure I recognised this.

Rudi said 'Did you take -

I said 'You always said there weren't any diamonds.'

He said 'Do you want your letter?'

I leaned forwards to take the letter. Rudi held it away. I said 'Yes,

502

I've got the diamonds. The soldiers would have got them if I hadn't taken them first.'

He said 'You've got them here?'

I said 4 No, but I can get them. You can have your share.'

I saw Walburga coming towards us along the promenade by the lake. When she saw me she began to run. She was like a Valkyrie; like an actress playing both a Valkyrie and her horse.

Walburga shouted 'My darling! My precious! What a feast for the eyes!' She hugged and kissed me.

Stefan took the letter out of Rudi's hand and held it out to me. The handwriting of my name, yes, was that of my father: the writing of the address seemed to be Franz's. I thought — But that indeed is not possible! Then — Stop thinking. Walburga leaned back with her hands on my shoulders. She said 'Let me see you!' Rudi was watching us from across the table.

I was holding the letter from my father. I said 'This is Walburga. This is Rudi. Stefan.'

Rudi said to Walburga 'Can you please go away. We are discussing important business.'

Walburga said 'Elena has told me about you two! You are the idiots who tried to kill my precious in the Sahara!'

I found that in the presence of the others I was not wanting to open the letter. I felt that wild devils or angels might fly out.

I said to Walburga 'Did you find out about Franz?'

She said'Yes.'

I said 'Where is he?'

She said 'Aren't you pleased to see me?'

Rudi said 'What do you mean, we can have our share?'

I said to Walburga 'Yes, it's lovely to see you.' I said to Rudi 'I mean, you two can have your share of the diamonds.'

Walburga said 'Franz is not far from here.'

Rudi said 'When?'

Walburga said 'He's in that house, you know, his family have got in the Black Forest,'

I thought — Yes, I went there once.

Stefan said 'Where are they?'

I said to Stefan 'They're with my things at Kusnacht.' I said to Walburga 'Have you got a car?'

Walburga said 'I left it on the other side of the lake.'

I said 'Could you get it?'

Walburga said 'If you like.'

I said That's very good of you.' I thought — Now, I will open the letter. Rudi said 'Will you pay attention!' I said This letter is from my father.'

My beloved Leni,

I saw your mother briefly before she died.

When I was arrested I asked if I could be detained in Sachsen-hausen Camp because this was where, I believed, she was. My request was laughed at. Then I was told that it might be granted if I was classified as a Jew. I said that this was agreeable to me.

In Sachsenhausen men and women were housed separately but I managed to catch several glimpses of your mother. I am almost certain she saw me and knew who I was. There were good reasons perhaps for her not to show too much that she recognised me. When she no longer appeared, I made enquiries, and I was told that she had been taken to the prison hospital. Later I was told that she had died. I think this information was reliable.

I wanted to tell you this, my beloved Leni, because now we must look to the future. Will you understand what I mean. The age of sacrifice is over. There has to be, I believe there is, a new dispensation.

The children of light will have to be as wise as serpents: wiser than the children of darkness.

I believe I have a means of getting this letter to Franz.

Will you trust -

Your ever loving, ever trusting,

Father

When I had finished reading this letter I folded it and put it in my pocket. It was as if I were still standing where I had been standing before but the world had flipped over, and on again, in a circle. I had been, briefly, in the presence of huts, watchtowers; now I was again with ladies and gentlemen in their masks. I said to Walburga 'Can I borrow your car?' She said 'What do you want it for?'

I said 'I've got to see Franz. To find out about my father.' She said 'Now you mustn't be angry with your father!' Rudi said 'Will you please answer our questions.' I said 'You can have the diamonds when I get back.' Rudi said 'I want them now.'

Walburga said 'You two ought to be in jail.'

Rudi was sitting, Walburga and Stefan and I were standing, at the table in the cafe. I thought — Oh but I will be once more on a journey in the Black Forest!

Stefan said 'But you may not come back.*

Walburga said 'Can I come too?'

I said 'No, I think I must go alone.'

I thought — But indeed I may not be able to get back!

Rudi said 'How do we trust you?'

Walburga said 'All right, I'll fetch the car.'

I said to Walburga 'Has my father been working with Franz?'

Walburga said 'You know he's been working for the government?'

I thought — But of course I trust you, of course you can trust me, and all that is happening, O my father!

That was at lunchtime. Since then I have been writing this in the Gasthaus. Walburga will be back here by midnight. I will set off in the morning. Or will the war have started? So how, in fact, will I get back. I will leave this notebook in my suitcase addressed to you. Something of me will get back — to my angel in England!

Take care of yourself, my beloved.

I think I glimpse how things work: will we ever be able to describe this?

Thank you for being more to me that what I am to myself.

Sit on the gasworks: keep them warm for me.

Tollington Park, Norfolk August 1939 My darling Eleanor, my Angel,

This is the enormous country house we have been evacuated to: I think I am supposed not to tell you where it is.

Donald is here, and some of the people from Cambridge. The idea is that we will be away from the likelihood of bombs. What irony!

Please take care. Please don't go into Germany; and come home, if war seems certain.

I am supposed to say nothing of the work we are doing here. I will write to you in this notebook.

We have imagined that we might send each other messages, you

and I: of course, there would be no means of describing exactly what these were.

Practising.

This is an enormous country house in the baroque style. It consists of a central block and two wings. The central block has been empty, which is where we are to set up our laboratory. In one of the wings lives a very old lady who is the owner of the house: she was supposed to have moved out when we arrived, but then she became too ill, and so she stays on with a cook and two nurses. No one sees her.

I have a room on the top floor of the opposite wing. From my window I look out across parkland. The landscape is very beautiful: there are sheep and groups of deer dotted here and there; the trees stand out from the paler green like things that contain their own shadows. It is like a landscape into which man has not yet come.

In fact, this is a part of the country where some of the earliest traces of humans have been found: primitive humans settled here not because the soil was good but because it was poor — and so did not encourage predators. And just under the ground there were flints, which humans could mine and so make weapons to keep out what predators there were. Oh humans have to use cunning in the face of adversity!