Nicholas Mosley - Hopeful Monsters

it is being sick never quite get his insides all torn out! Franz said 'She told your people in the Rosa Luxemburg Block that she thought Bruno was a Nazi spy.' I thought — She might as well have told them that I was a Nazi spy! Then — But you mean, so Bruno got out? Bruno was betrayed in turn by the people in the Block and handed over to the Nazis? I stood up. Franz said 'Bruno has been arrested.' I said 'But why, if he was said to be a spy?' Franz said 'But he wasn't.' I said 'Oh no.' Franz said 'So now you must get out.' We had all stood up. We were going to the door of the hotel which led into Wilhelmstrasse. I thought — So you mean, all this has happened so that I can get out? You said to me 'Have you got papers? A student's card? A passport?' Franz said 'I will do what I can about Bruno.' I said 'But what about my father?' Franz said 'He went to look for you in the Rosa Luxemburg Block.' I said 'My papers are in the Rosa Luxemburg Block.' Franz said to you 'Perhaps at the frontier you can say that she's your girlfriend.' You said 'Oh at the frontier I can say we're married!' We went out through the door into Wilhelmstrasse. I saw my father coming towards us on the pavement. He was carrying my satchel. I mean, this was the satchel in which there were all the bits and pieces of my life: my papers and letters. I thought I might act putting my hand over my eyes, as if I could not bear this. My father looked so pleased. I wondered — You mean, this is the sort of thing behind the closed door in that courtyard! When my father came up he said 'You've found her!' We stood on the pavement like one of those groups in a painting. My father looked older and more frail; his hair was brushed up above his forehead as if he were like sparks on their way to heaven. I took my satchel. I said 'How did you get it?' He said 'I've been to the Rosa Luxemburg Block.' I said 'They are being arrested?' My father put his arms around me and I put my head against his chest. We were standing on the pavement of Wilhelmstrasse as we had done so many years ago when crowds had rushed past us laughing to the Brandenburg Gate and then had been shot. Franz said 'She knows about her mother and Bruno.' My father said 'Oh, so then you will go, you will be all right.' But I thought I still had to say — 'But I don't know if we can just leave my mother!' My father said 'I'm not going to leave her.' I said 'But you're coming to Switzerland.' My father said 'No, I'm staying here; it is you who are going to Switzerland.' I said 'Why?' My father said 'Because I am her husband and you are her child.'

Then I began to cry. Oh God, this terrible world! With me on

the edge of a bed and arms so harsh and tender. My father said 'Don't cry.' I thought — But I may not see you again. My father said 4 My brother has everything ready for you in Switzerland.'

We were standing on the pavement of Wilhelmstrasse. My father and I had taken our arms from around each other. There were not so many people in the street: from here one could not see the fire. There were a few police and Brownshirts looking up to the sky. Franz said 'Where's your car?' You said 'Round the corner.'

I said to my father 'Thank you for my satchel.'

He said 'Oh that's all right.'

You and Franz had moved off a little way down the street. You were saying 'I will let you know of any developments in England.' Franz was saying 'And I will let you know of any developments here.' I thought — You mean, much of this time you have been talking about physics? I put my head up and kissed my father. I said 'Goodbye.' He said 'Goodbye.'

I went and joined you and Franz; I did not look back. I thought — My father and I may be able, in the future, to transmit some sort of messages.

Then — I will get used to things on this strange planet.

Franz was talking to one of the Brownshirts. He gestured to you and to me as if for us to go across the road. I thought — But to Franz I have not even said goodbye! I waved at him. I thought — But I will see Franz again.

You and I went arm in arm across the road. There were police and Brownshirts in front of the Chancellery. You said 'If anyone stops us we had better speak English.' I said in English 'Where is your car?' You said 'It's extraordinary how well you speak English!' I thought I might say — Oh yes, as you know, that is because I had a governess called Miss Henne. We were going along Wilhelmstrasse away from the fire. After a time we turned down a side-street. There was a small car with British number-plates on it. I said 'I once had a car.' You said 'Oh what happened to it?' I thought — You mean, we are talking as if we are on a stage? We do this when we are in occupied territory: when there has been too much going on? You opened the door of the car for me; you went round to the other side and got into the driving seat. You said 'Perhaps we can say that you are pregnant.' I thought — Why on earth should we say that I am pregnant? Then — Oh I see, you mean when we get to the frontier. I said 'That'll take days.' Then — 'I mean, to get to the frontier.' You said 'It'll take all night.' I thought I might say — Oh

yes, we can be laughing! You said 'Can I stay with you for a few days in Switzerland?' I said 'Yes, you can stay with me for a few days in Switzerland.' You said 'Thank you very much.' I opened my mouth as if I might cry. You said 'After that, I'm afraid I've got to get back to Cambridge.' I thought — Oh but we can't do better than this, with so much going on! You said 'Don't cry.' I thought I might say — I'm not crying, I'm laughing. Then I found myself saying 'I wanted to ask you, what did happen to that child?' You said 'What child?' I thought — What indeed! The one on the edge of the bed? The one at the back of that ruined castle? The one with whom I might in some way be pregnant? I said 'The one who was deaf and dumb.' You said 'Ah, her.' You drove for a time in silence. Then you said 'But you said she did seem to hear you; and she spoke.' I said 'Yes.' You said 'That's important, because no one else heard her speak.' I was going to say as I had said to you before — She told me where to find you! But then I was crying too much — for myself, for my parents, for you and me. I thought — But there is the voice of that girl, isn't there, that can he heard though people said she couldn't speak, going round the universe.

I said 'What is that?'

You said 'The Magic Mountain.'

I thought — I will read it when you are gone.

I said ' — On this mountain path there is a stone, a gateway, a spider; everything has happened eternally before and will happen eternally again — '

You said 'Oh I know that!'

I thought — For these messages, there has to be some code.

There were the moments at night when we were one: this is the experience; then afterwards one is on one's own. You looked back, I suppose, at your past life; your lost family, your friends. Then again you might need me to hold you. I wanted to say — We will always be one: we will be like two of those particles -

You said 'Would you really choose to live every moment of your life again?'

I said 'If one were ready to say that, then perhaps one would not have to.'

You said 'I want to say it.'

I said 'Then our lives may be good enough.'

When the time came for me to take you to your uncle, or cousins, or whoever they were, in Zurich, they were calm, grave men in knickerbockers like gardeners. In becoming separated from you there was a terrible violation like a seed-pod being torn apart: my head and heart were being split, crushed: I thought — It is necessary, I know, to put oneself into the hands of gardeners: knowing this does not alter the pain of having to grow.

Your uncle sat behind his desk with catalogues to do with his business of chemical fertilisers. He said to you 'You now want to study psychology? We no longer know if it is psychology or alchemy that we have here at the university in Zurich!'