Nicholas Mosley - Hopeful Monsters

— What on earth is being sorted out?

I was waiting to hear from you, my beautiful German girl.

I had given you my address in the north of England. I had told you that it would surely not be difficult for you, with your Marxist group, to come to visit me in the place where there was the highest unemployment in England.

I tried to work out what it was that I felt about you at this time. Were you perhaps to me one of those ladies in the Middle Ages for whom knights went out to do heroic deeds: the knights could not stay except for moments with their beloved ladies, or where would be the heroic deeds?

I thought — But where are they anyway? And so, yes, I was waiting for you to visit me.

Peter Reece once said 'Have you ever been in love?'

I said 'I think so.'

He said 'I cannot imagine being loved by any human with whom one is in love.'

I thought — You mean, that is another reason for the use of the word 'God'?

Then one day there was a letter, yes, from you, my beautiful German girl. You said that you would certainly try to visit me when you came with your Marxist group to England. You added -

I have been discussing with Franz (you remember Franz?) what you say about Dirac. I am most interested in what is meant by 'chance'. Surely 'chance' is just a word for what cannot be explained by natural science. We call 'chance' what in our experiments is manifestly out of our control. But we still observe processes, patterns. One might as well use the word 'God'.

Oh I would dearly like to continue to bump into you just by chance! This would mean, Max, that we might imagine we could use the word 'God'. But then, of course, I might not bump into

you! And this does not mean that I will not take care to travel to the north of England.

Do you understand what I say? No one else does.

Elena

I thought — Yes I know what you say, my beautiful German girl.

— Oh but let us be careful about the use of the word 'God'!

Then one evening soon after I had got this letter (how could I have expected you so quickly? I didn't expect you for another two or three weeks) — one evening when I had been on one of my long walks along the estuary, perhaps to look for children again or for pieces of coloured glass, I found Peter Reece waiting for me when I got back. He was standing at the foot of the scaffolding around the Hall, on which perhaps I should have been working longer hours. He looked embarrassed. I thought — Why should he be embarrassed? It is I who have been out wondering if I might see children, or angels. He said 'There have been people asking for you.'

I said 'Asking for me?'

He said 'I think it's the family of the girl you were talking about: the girl who is deaf and dumb.'

I said 'But they don't know about me!'

I thought — He is embarrassed because he has heard something awful has happened?

He said 'I think they'd like to see you.'

I said 'I haven't seen her since the first day I arrived!'

He said 'I've talked to the girl's mother.'

I said 'What did she say?'

He said 'You'd better go and see them.'

I thought — Do they think I've assaulted their daughter? Murdered some baby on that wasteland?

I said 'Is anything wrong?'

Peter Reece looked distressed. He said 'I don't know: is there?'

I thought — Or is he just jealous?

I set off that evening to the house, the whereabouts of which Peter Reece had described to me, which was where the family of the deaf-and-dumb girl lived. I was still thinking — But if it is the family of the deaf-and-dumb girl, why should they want to see me? Or rather, why should I not simply be pleased? Underneath the railway lines it was as if there had been some Annunciation. But what could they want to see me about that was not a threat? However, surely this would be better than doing something boring

like continuing to try to find out about National Shipbuilders Security Limited. I was walking once more into the area of the houses that were like stitching. I was thinking — But of course, there seems to be some strange coincidence here: coincidence has to do with chance; with change? I was coming to the house of which Peter Reece had told me the number. There was the latrine on one side of the yard and the coal-shed on the other. There were no children visible as I went in. When I knocked at the door of the house it was opened by a dark thin woman in a pink flowered apron: she did look, yes, like a gypsy. She wiped her hands on her apron. She said something in the dialect I found difficult to understand. I followed her into the kitchen which had a stove and a dresser and two rocking-chairs and a chest with a piece of carpet over it by the window. In one of the rocking-chairs there was an old woman, or man, it was difficult to tell — grey hair straggled down from a woollen cap with a bobble on the top: he or she had a large rug, or shawl, over the knees. The woman in the apron leaned with her back against the stove; the stove was out: it seemed that I was just doing what I had to be doing, I did not know what it was. I thought — You influence what you observe, all right, but what if you have no idea what it is you are observing? I said 'Father Reece said you wanted to see me.' The woman said something again in the dialect that I found difficult to understand. I thought — I can put my own interpretation on it: it will still be just this that is happening. I said 'It was your daughter I came across some time ago, was it, when she was playing by the railway lines?' I sat down on the chest which was underneath the window. There was a door at the far side of the room through to what might have been a bedroom; the woman was looking towards this door: the house seemed to have just one more room on the top floor. The woman said something which sounded like 'The lady said you might do something for her.' I did not think I could have heard this right. I did not even bother to say — What lady? I said 'Do what sort of thing for her?' The woman said 'Will you take her then?' It seemed I should say — Of course I won't take her. Then I thought — You mean, you want me to take her? I could make out less than ever what was happening. But I thought — Why should it not be all right if I don't know what is happening! The woman was looking at the old person in the rocking-chair. This person seemed to be trying to lift herself up slightly from the seat, as if she were adjusting herself on a lavatory. The woman by the stove said 'Well she can't stay

here.' I thought — What do you mean, she can't stay here? The door at the back of the room opened and a man in shirtsleeves and braces came in. I said 'Hullo/ He said 'Hullo.' The woman said 'You stay out.' The man said 'I'm here.' I thought — It is not as if I were observing the situation, it is as if the situation were observing me. The man said something to the woman in the dialect that I found difficult to understand. The old person was still pushing herself up in the rocking-chair as if there were something underneath trying to get out: I thought — She is a woman, yes, and not a man: she seems to be trying to give birth. I said 'I came here because Father Reece said you wanted me to come; I understood it was something to do with your daughter.' The woman and the man were still talking between themselves. They were saying things like: 'You wanted him to take her' — 'Oh it's always me who wants things, is it!' — 'Well it is, isn't it?' — 'It was her as much as me!' — 'Your own child!' I thought — You mean, this man has been carrying on with his daughter? Then — Well that is not so strange, is it; in any old tribe. Then — You mean, they might be offering me their daughter? The woman was saying again to me 'Will you take her?' I said 'Take her where?' The woman said 'The lady told her you could get her help somewhere.' I said 'What lady?' I thought — What lady, yes, what lady? The man and woman were talking again between themselves. I thought — You mean there's something more here than even what I understand I don't understand: there is something playing like unheard, violent music. The woman was repeating 'Well she can't stay here!' Then — 'His own daughter!' The man said 'That's enough, mother, I've said I've agreed.' I said 'Who is this lady?' The man said 'The foreign lady.' I thought — This is ridiculous. I said 'What foreign lady?' The woman said 'The foreign lady who was looking for you at the same time she went up for you.' I thought — Who was looking for me? Who went up for me? The woman said 'She showed her the way.' I said 'Who showed who the way?' The woman said 'She told the foreign lady the way.' The man said 'She was asking for you.' I said 'Your daughter told the foreign lady the way?' Then — 'But I thought she couldn't speak.' The woman said 'Are you surprised after what he done to her!' The man said 'That's enough, mother!' The woman said yet again 'His own daughter!' I thought — There is too much happening here all at once. The foreign lady: she was looking for me? The girl was looking for me too? I said 'But when was this, when did they meet, she and the foreign lady?' The woman said 'They were both