Norman Rush - Mortals

He had to stop. His eyes were filling with tears. It was unusual. It was philosophical. It was a generic sorrow for human beings caught in situations like theirs, the three of them, humans making declarations they meant at the time and that got undone and swept away by perverse events, the perversity of the future as it arrived so clumsily, giantly, smashing things. That was what it was. Except for the part that was about self-pity, that was what it was.

He said, “Say something.”

“I can’t.” Morel was barely audible.

Ray said, “Look at it from my standpoint. I know the truth. You know I know. Do me the favor of letting me live in the world I have to face, once we get back, assuming we do. I am going to have to deal with this in detail. I need help to prepare. Because there is going to be an ending, a … what … an uprooting worse than anything I ever dreamed could happen to me. Arm me for that. Or if I die let me die in possession of the truth, in reality, as I go. Not to be too dramatic about it, but you see my point.

“And look, if you think I’m going to try to torture every minute particular out of you, don’t think it. All I need from you is confirmation that I’m in my right mind, so I can proceed. We all need to be in our right minds, am I correct? That’s your motto. People are drowning in false narratives, thus empire thus the papacy thus this and that, world wars, evil empires good empires, all the shit of history.

“Because I’ll tell you, the details are unimportant in comparison to the general fact of the thing and what that means. The details can’t make it worse.

“And also I’ll tell you this, I know the situation you’re in. I know what she told you. Don’t tell him , in the name of God, don’t. I can hear her. She said that whatever you do don’t tell him, it will kill him. I know what she said. She said she had to be the one to handle it, it was her right to handle it. She was fierce. I know her. I know how she would put it.

“Of course her problem was that she was giving a lying task to the wrong person, tasking someone to lie who wouldn’t lie. We both understand why she had no choice but to send you, but of course she was working from a bad model, myself, the person she formerly loved, a liar in several ways, a model that led her to expect something from you that shouldn’t have been expected. Because I was involved in an established lie, occupationally, my work, part of my work, and of course from that flowed other lies, white lies, which is probably what we should call them, in Africa. But that’s another story, another part of the forest …

“So, no of course she wanted to manage this with me herself. I would too. You would. And she’ll be furious for a while when she finds out. But she’ll get over it and forgive. She forgives people she loves. She forgave me for years. She forgave me as long as she could, which is all we should ask for, am I right?

“Don’t make my life impossible.”

Ray was thinking how impossible it would be, say, if he confronted Iris and she denied it and he had gotten nothing concrete out of Morel except his circumstantial silence. Where would he be then? Or, supposing for the sake of argument that she had done it with Morel and since then changed her mind and decided to creep back and reinstate with him because, because … for any reason, something unsatisfactory in the doctor, old acquaintance, fear of the less known, remorse, any old thing. And he would be in his normal position, weak, weak before her, unarmed, because of utter love, alas.

He had no regrets about his love for her up to now. She was on the verge of the change of life. So the idea that she was going for Morel so she could have a shot at motherhood was unlikely, taking a shot at his medical powers giving her motherhood. He was creating things in his mind that meant nothing. He had to stop. It was adieu.

He felt he had enough strength in his legs to stand up, even though his knee was still throbbing. He had to be upright for the finishing kick.

I will get my unholy grail, he thought.

He said, “Tell me now. Be me. Be me, asking.” He was willing the truth to come out of Morel.

He could feel Morel composing himself.

Morel said, “Okay then. It’s true, I love her. We are lovers, yes. So okay.” It was clear he had spoken slowly to keep his tone under control.

“I can’t believe it,” Ray heard himself say. He would have to explain why he had said it. It had to sound bad to Davis. It sounded bad to him. It made him sound to himself as though he had made everything up and then used it to trick Morel. But it wasn’t that way. It had been an expression about the point they had come to. He didn’t want to be misunderstood.

There was a feeling of hollowness around him. His voice rang oddly. He had the fleeting conviction that elements of his surroundings, the walls, the floor, were hollow.

Morel said, “She’ll hate me for this. She wanted to tell you herself. She insisted that that was the way it had to be. I agreed with her. She may never forgive me.”

“Yes she will.”

“I don’t know.”

“She forgives you if she loves you. Don’t worry. I’ll explain why it happened.”

Morel was worried. It was ridiculous, but he didn’t want him to worry.

“Don’t worry about it. I said I’d explain it.”

“You’re lovers, that’s all I have to know. I’m satisfied. I don’t care who moved first or any of that. I told you.

“That’s all. I guess my last question is about your intentions, going forward from here. Well, and her intentions, which she’ll tell me. She’s not here to speak, so …

“No, but your intentions. I mean, you want to have her, take her. That is, you’re looking at this as serious, a permanent thing.”

“That’s what I want,” Morel said.

It was difficult to keep talking. He made himself go on.

“You’d marry her, you’d like to. Once I’m on the other side of the horizon.”

“You know, we haven’t advanced to that. I don’t want to flatter myself and say I know more about what she wants than I really do. But, yes, of course I would, of course.”

“So you don’t have philosophical objections to marriage.”

“I thought I did. I thought I wouldn’t ever marry again and I thought I’d, I don’t know, reached conclusions about marriage, coming out of that. Let’s put it this way. I’m prepared to be inconsistent. I want to marry her. I think she has more questions about marriage as a concept than I do, at this point, to tell you the absolute truth.”

That hurts, Ray thought. He wanted the sickly lightness afflicting him to go away. Certain remarks of Morel’s seemed to make it worse.

Morel said, “I do have to say to you that I absolutely love your wife. It’s like nothing ever before, with me.”

Ray said, “So, well, good. This is what it is, I guess.”

Morel said, “I’m sorry.”

Ray said, “I don’t want to discuss this, the three of us sitting around a table, ever, please. It has to be between me and Iris, and then, if we need to, between you and me.”

“That’s fine,” Morel said.

The feeling of lightness was prompting Ray to swallow repeatedly, as though through swallowing he would ingest something from the air that would restore his normal solidity or center of gravity, whichever it was that needed restoring.

“I’m sorry,” Morel said again.

“Don’t mention it,” Ray answered.

“No. I am.”

“Of course you are. Don’t mention it.” What Ray didn’t like in Morel’s apology was even the merest shadow of the notion that his regret extended to having gotten involved, which suggested the specter of impermanence, which could mean Iris ending up out on a limb. He didn’t want that for her. And he wasn’t going to be around to rescue anybody, like the rejected lovers in teenage songs, waiting around forever. He was not going to hang around Gaborone. He would be gone. And there was nothing he could do to predetermine the future she would have with Morel, her happiness.