Sergio De La Pava - A Naked Singularity

Interrogative expression because what was the relevance of all that to someone who had to get in a cab like that instant?

“The relevance is that the reason you’re so nervous is that a date, especially of the blind variety, crystallizes this normally diffused anxiety into a fixed space-time point. The pressure builds to enormous proportions as you realize your place on the display shelf. On the bright side, unlike a job interview, this audition is a mutual one. Meaning you have two people wanting to be liked, well liked is probably not the right terminology. What you have is two people who want the other person to be impressed by them. But there’s a self-defense element as well so one of the things they want the other person to be impressed by is how little they need that person’s validation. Look at me, they say nonverbally, I am one impressive, self-contained motherfucker who doesn’t really need your approval but please agree with this self-assessment or else I might start to doubt this perception of mine which deep down I don’t really believe. And therein lies the beautiful irony of it all. The beauty is that while these two people are expending tremendous effort, and considerable subterfuge, to create an impressive veneer they are actually subverting their chances of making a connection, the purported goal of the date.”

I really had to go, could he please stop talking so I wouldn’t feel rude?

“You see what I’m saying? The more you impress this doctor, which of course you do in part by feigning disinterest, the less likely it is that she’ll think you are in turn impressed by her, which of course is her paramount concern, whereas your impressiveness is like tenth on the list of things that matter to her. Notice I say tenth on the list. I don’t discount it entirely. The reason for this is that if she thinks you are a completely unimpressive individual then the fact that you are impressed by her is of limited value to her and therefore unlikely to ever sufficiently satisfy her psychic needs to the point that you two will connect. So that’s the very predictable equation at work here, one where, by avoiding the extremes, the less impressive you are to her the more impressed by her you better be and vice versa. Of course, remember that deep down she probably doesn’t think she’s all that impressive so if you mess up the equation and are disproportionately impressed by her then she’ll in turn view you as less impressive with all attendant consequences. Got that? We can state the equation and its impetus another way. What matters to the average person, vis-à-vis dating relationships and such, is not any particular quality the contender may or may not possess. What matters is how they feel when they’re around that person and whether they get sufficient stroking to offset, for those moments anyway, their insecurities. So you’ll hear a woman talk about her boyfriend and it becomes apparent that what most recommends him is his obsequiousness. He buys her flowers every day, tells her how beautiful she is. So even though yeah he’s a bit of a schlump, he’s just so good to her. And they, meaning she, have a lot of fun when they’re together. He’s romantic, that’s the quality he has if pressed. I know what you’re about to say about people seemingly attracted to those who treat them poorly but recall that the equation…”

A raised hand near a cab before an apology during an exit and how do you forget to ask someone whether it’s true they’re dying?

I liked about cabs mainly the abdication of responsibility so I always left it up to the driver to decide how to get somewhere. I suspended all judgment and opinion. That’s what I paid the big bucks for, to close my eyes.

If I thought about anything, it was how little I was thinking about things. Well that and how I had wanted to go home to shower and change but now it was too late. The shower I mostly craved, a shower almost always being welcome but especially under these circumstances.

Changing clothes would have been nice too. Instead I would be wearing a suit, which would make me look like the kind of person who has to wear a suit, which of course was exactly the kind of person I was. Still.

I wondered if she would be wearing those cool, light blue almost paper-like pajamas. Scrubs. Then the driver was looking at me like you planning on getting out buddy? Because we can’t get any more here than this.

And even though I was late I was early because she wasn’t there yet. Her greater sin wiped out mine and made it as if I’d been on time. But what if she wasn’t merely late, this stranger? What if she wasn’t coming at all? In that case it would certainly have been a mistake to sit at a table the portrait of expectation; said table being located in the precise 0,0 center of the square dining room with me half expecting a spotlight and a corny announcer. And I hadn’t wanted to sit at the table because I was perfectly content in the little waiting area they had, where I could pretend my fabulous companion was merely using the nearby restroom and where there seemed to be a sufficient turnover of customer personnel to keep this charade up for hours if need be. But, inexplicably, the bowtied guy with the burgundy leather portfolio seemed intent on getting me to abdicate this area and, with me all guilt-ridden about my late arrival in relation to the optimistic reservation time, I agreed.

I squirmed in my seat.

And the worst part was the way I now felt. Whereas I most certainly was not nervous when Dane asked me before, and in fact could not even truthfully envision being nervous in the near future, I now found that trying not to be nervous, in light of his confident proclamation, was akin to trying to follow someone’s directive to avoid thinking of a pink elephant. And like a fulfilled scriptural prophecy I found myself increasingly concerned with the kind of figure I would cut, where before I merely worried about her visage. After all, Marcela had raved about this woman’s beauty and Marcela herself looked ultrasharp making it unlikely she was easily impressed. And she was a doctor which at the very least seemed to ensure she would not be a blithering idiot.

What would she think of me? I cursed Dane for the fact I even cared. I started to feel actual dread at the thought of her appearing. But maybe this was misplaced. Was I an impressive individual? The first key would be the way I looked. But I truthfully couldn’t remember what I looked like being that my facial recognition weakness applied even to my own face. I could get up and look in the bathroom mirror but I was afraid that if the table was abdicated for even a second it would be immediately cleared by a member of what from all indications looked like an overly eager bus staff. Then I would have to call even greater attention to my plight in trying to retrieve the table from one of the current wait-listers. I pictured a microphone being used to announce that the table was already being used. By a single nervous-looking guy. Who had needed to use the bathroom!

Well I felt reasonably corporeally confident so I resolved to get a look at my face without exposing the table. What I did was take the knife I had been entrusted with, hold it up about eye level, and begin to spy the reflection. This was a bad idea as approximately three to five busboys immediately bum rushed me to replace what they assumed was a soiled utensil. Each seemed determined to be the first and within seconds three to five knives had formed a semicircle around my perfectly still face.

“A mirror sir? I don’t understand,” one said all confused as I took all the knives in the interest of a speedy resolution. I decided to avoid future sudden movements.

In college you waited a certain period of time and if the professor didn’t show you were free to split. The only problem was I couldn’t remember what this period of time was. But why was this a problem? Even if I could remember, who’s to say that would bear any relevance to my current predicament? Who was entitled to more time?