Wieslaw Mysliwski - A Treatise on Shelling Beans

I’d go to him after work, and not leave till night had fallen over the site. Afterwards I wouldn’t be able to sleep, I’d be playing things over in my mind, then often I’d dream about them. One time he told me I was holding the mouthpiece wrong, and it was making me blow more than I needed to. My lips weren’t in the right place, I was pressing them too hard to the mouthpiece and air was escaping out the sides of my mouth. We have to change that. Another time it was that I was fingering too heavily, my fingers were too stiff, they needed to be loose, I should only touch the keys with the very tips of my fingers. And my fingertips should be so sensitive that they’d feel a sunbeam if it touched them. Because when I played, I wasn’t supposed to touch the keys, I was supposed to touch the music. Those hands of yours are like turtles, your joints are clumsy. Keep practicing. See here, at the end they need to bend at a right angle. Practice at work as well. Though it was from work that my fingers were that way, because electricians don’t much need to move their hands.

Sometimes I used to doubt whether he really had been a saxophonist, or whether he just sat in that warehouse of his and out of boredom imagined that he’d played the sax, like he could have imagined that he was anything other than a warehouse keeper. Maybe he did play a bit at one time, hence the saxophone, but all the rest was wishful thinking. Someone like that can put themselves through hell, then try and drag other people into their hell with them.

He never once took the saxophone in his hands to show me how one thing or another should be played, since I was doing it wrong.

“I would show you, but how?” he would say. “With one hand? I can barely write chits. As you can see.”

But in that case, how could he know something was wrong? Not like that, play it again. Oh, he knew, he did. It was only years later that I came to understand.

I went to him every day for maybe eight months, then I got sick of it. I started coming every other day or so, though he would stay back in the warehouse every evening, waiting for me. Why didn’t you come yesterday, why didn’t you come the day before yesterday. It’s been four days. You haven’t been since last week, and I keep waiting here for you.

I would explain that there’d been an emergency, that we were having big problems with a repair, it’d be another few days yet. Or that they’d kept us later than usual on the site because of something or other. That the previous week we’d been doing contract work, because we were behind schedule. I made up excuses, and he seemed to understand.

“Yeah, that’s how things are on a building site. That’s how things are.” He would just ask a while later: “So, is the work back on schedule?”

“Not exactly,” I’d mumble.

“Your work might be, but getting yourself back on schedule won’t be so easy,” he’d say, a note of reproach in his voice.

Then one time, though I’d only skipped a single day, he said:

“Evidently I was mistaken.”

That stung, and I was on the verge of saying I wouldn’t be coming anymore when he spoke again:

“There’ll come a moment when you won’t be able to play and work on a building site at the same time. Not just yet, but at some point you’re going to have to make a choice. For now, just drop out of the band. At least let them stop ruining you.”

“What do you mean, drop out?” He’d actually made me jump.

He leaped up and started clumping around the warehouse. I’d never seen him so worked up.

“In that case, play all you want with them. Some people can’t see further than the tip of their nose. Play all you want. You all love the applause, that’s the fact of it, whoever’s doing the applauding and why. Plus you get overtime.”

That really needled me. I told you they gave us two hours of overtime each day. But that wasn’t why I was in the band. That wasn’t why I’d put in more effort than almost any other kid when I was in school. That wasn’t why I’d saved up for a saxophone, taking food out of my own mouth. He’d really touched a nerve. And I stopped going to him at all. I thought to myself, how long do I have to listen to him saying, Not like that, not like that. You’re not doing it right, not doing it right. Play it again, play it again. If he’d at least have praised me just one time. And on top of everything else he wants me to drop out of the band.

I left without a word, but let me tell you, I was clenching my fists so hard my hands bled. For several days nothing went right at work. I burned a transformer — myself, an electrician. He wants me to drop out of the band, kept running through my head. Drop out of the band. When that band was my only hope. Not to mention that we were more and more successful. Not long before, we’d been shifted half time to the band, we only worked half time on the site. Plus, in a few weeks we were supposed to play at a masked ball for some bigwigs. They chose us over who knew how many other bands. We all thought it was something to be proud of. Not just for the band but the whole site, management, and all that.

In preparation for our appearance the management got us new suits, dark, with a pinstripe, new shirts and ties, they even thought about having us wear bow ties, opinions were divided. This time everyone got black shoes, black socks, and a handkerchief. We heard they’d wanted to buy us matching overcoats as well, since it was autumn, but they ran out of funds. You have no idea how much we were looking forward to that ball. We were counting down the days. The night before they were going to pick us up I barely slept at all.

It was a Saturday. They sent a truck covered with a tarpaulin, but with benches along the sides. When we got in they told us not to look out from under the tarpaulin. In fact there were holes in it, but since we’d been told not to look, no one even dared so much as to peep through the holes. Besides, there were two soldiers sitting at the back watching us the whole time. They’d lowered the tarpaulin the moment we set off, and it was like riding in a dark box.

They told us it would take about two hours. It couldn’t have been all that far, but the road went up hill and down dale, we bounced in our seats, the benches kept sliding into the middle of the truck, and we had to keep a tight grip on our instruments. So when we got there it was already completely dark. I don’t know what kind of building it was. It was a big sprawling place, and it was in the woods, maybe a park. You couldn’t see any more. Besides, after we got out of the truck they didn’t let us look around. They hurried us to a kind of corridor in the left-hand wing, then from the corridor into a small hall. Here one of the soldiers who’d brought us reported to another soldier with two stars on his epaulette that the band had arrived and was ready to play. The second soldier told us to take off our overcoats and hats and hang them on pegs. I had a beret instead of a hat. I’d intended to buy a hat, and in fact I did. With those first wages, like I said, on the first building site I’d worked on after the electrification of the villages. But now I was working on maybe my fourth site, and I wore a beret.

We took off our hats and coats like he asked. Right away two civilians came through from the next room, one of them carrying a list. The one with the list checked our ID cards and marked them off on the list. The other guy went over to our hats and coats and he started feeling them, looking inside every hat, squeezing my beret in his hands. Then they patted us down to check we didn’t have anything. Exactly what I don’t know, they didn’t say. But the clarinetist had a pocket knife, a regular pocket knife. You know what a pocket knife looks like. It’s not a real knife, you can fit the whole thing in the palm of your hand. Two folding blades, one longer, one shorter, a folding corkscrew, a can opener, maybe a nail file, though I don’t recall whether pocket knives had nail files back then. They told him to leave the pocket knife, that he’d get it back after the ball.